We talk a lot about sex and crushes here at Gurl. Why? Well, it’s obviously a major part of girl life to be interested in gettin’ down with a cutie. Right?
Well, not always…
That’s right. Not everyone is into having — or thinking about having — sex with a cutie. And yes, before you ask, it’s totally normal and okay, and it even has a name: asexuality.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines an asexual person as “someone who does not experience sexual attraction.” That sounds like a pretty solid definition to me, so let’s stick with that as a basis for this little chat.
Now that you know what i’m talking about, let’s get into a super awesome question from a Gurl reader:
“I’ve been very confused by my sexuality. I feel like I identify the most with asexuality. I’ve never had a crush and, although I find certain people aesthetically attractive, I have never felt any sexual feelings towards anyone. I don’t mind the idea of kissing or cuddling, but sex repulses me. I’m pretty mature, but is it too early to call my sexuality? What if I just haven’t ‘blossomed’ into a sexual person yet?”
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you for certain if you are asexual. That would be foolish of me to do because you have the right to identify your own sexuality. And I would never, ever, EVER take that away from you!
But, if you’re asking the question, then it’s totally worth exploring! I personally think it’s never too early to call your sexuality, no matter how you identify. That being said, I also think it’s never too late. With any label you are claiming, it’s important to feel confident and secure in the label. Otherwise, why do it? A 5-year-old can come out as gay just like a 89-year-old can come out as bisexual. Labels have no age restriction.
But also know that you don’t need a label if it’s just going to cause you 99 problems you don’t want or need. My philosophy? Labels that you claim should enhance who you are. And if you feel like they are doing anything BUT enhancing your fab self, forget all about them and go with the flow for a little while. Figure things out, then start placing labels where they fit. If you even feel the need to!
Here’s another thing about claiming labels: There should be no shame in getting it wrong! Does claiming the label of asexual feel good right now? Is your behavior in line with what asexuality is all about? Do you find comfort in that community? If so, do it!
And if you happen to later blossom into a sexual person, there’s no shame in saying, “Okay, this label fits me better at this point in my life,” and changing how you identify! Trust me. No. Shame.
I called in some reinforcements on this one, because one of my best friends is asexual. Her name is Katherine and she’s probably the coolest person I know. Seriously. She said this:
“I had that feeling [of questioning what if I haven’t blossomed into a sexual person yet]. I mean, in high school I use to tell people, ‘I’m a robot. I don’t understand.’ Like when people would ever ask me if I had crushes. I would be like, ‘Oh, not really.’ I didn’t feel like it was important at all. It was never a priority.
“For a while, I felt like it would happen. I was like, ‘Oh, maybe one day I will get sexual or have that feeling.’ But I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I guess it’s possible that it could change in the future, but for now it hasn’t happened. That’s why I feel like I’m asexual.”
Katherine and I both agree that it sounds like you are making sense of your sexuality via the label “asexual” already. You say it describes you best. You say you think your mature enough to label your sexuality. So, if it makes you feel good, go for it! Get down with your asexy self. Not because I say it’s okay, but because you say it’s okay!
Got an LGBTQ question you want Katie to answer? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org with your queer conundrums so she can work her advice-giving magic!