How Do I Know Who Wears The Pants In My Girl-On-Girl Relationship?

“So, who wears the pants?”

It’s an age-old, super annoying question that makes every girl who is dating a girl roll her eyes. Basically, it is someone’s way of asking who is the “boy” in the relationship — dominant, in control, the one who takes charge in hard situations. And then, using process of elimination, they figure out who is the “girl” — the passive one, a.k.a. the follower.

One girl reader asked:  “I recently came out as a lesbian, but there is one problem. I feel like I can’t figure out my gender in a lesbian situation because I’m not too girly, but I’m also not too boyish either. Please help!”

But here’s the thing: In a girl-on-girl relationship, the point is that you are both girls!


Let’s be real. This isn’t really a problem at all! Want to know why? You don’t have to be girlish or boyish in your relationship! Period. Trust me, the success of your relationship isn’t riding on gender roles whatsoever. And let me tell you why.

Sure, we are use to seeing someone in a passive role and dominate role in a relationship. Why? Well, mostly because men historically have held a lot of power over women, which is totally uncool and unnecessary. But I don’t have to tell you all that. Feminism, y’all! Get with it!

Anyway, point is we are use to the idea of dominant and passive roles. And usually the dominant one is the dude. And usually the dude wears pants…well, you get it.

But none of this means that girls should be passive or that boys should be dominant. Or that a successful relationship even has to have a dominant and passive role at all! In fact, I’d argue that two partners working together to be equals in a relationship is something to strive for in all relationships — straight and queer alike. Egalitarianism, yeah!


Point is, I promise your entire relationship will not crumble if you don’t fit into traditional gender roles. After all, us queer ladies are made to break the heterosexual mold we all know and (are supposed to) love. Which means throwing gender roles out the window once and for all!

No matter your sexuality, we can all agree on the most important thing in any relationship. That thing? Obviously it’s being yourself! And that self should be enhanced when you are with a partner who is also being who they are!

The most successful couples I’ve seen are ones who communicate effectively, take time for one another, and stay committed to making things work. None of which has to do with this pants mumbo jumbo people are trying to force on your happy queer life!


All in all, the best relationships aren’t about who is wearing pants or dresses or other articles of clothing. They are all about committed people being who they are. Only together.

So, next time someone wants to know who wears the pants, tell them you both do. But sometimes you wear skirts. Or dresses.

Good luck!

Got an LGBTQ question you want Katie to answer? Email her at with your queer conundrums so she can work her advice-giving magic!


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