Last week, I chatted with you all about how to politely turn down someone if you are straight. Well, it’s time to turn that conversation around, and deal with another queer conundrum. Of course, I’m talking about what you should do if you have a crush on a straight girl.
Every queer girl has a story about a straight girl crush. My most memorable straight girl crush was in elementary school. While a lot of girls were first starting to notice boys, I was noticing Chelsea. But Chelsea was noticing boys, too. And today, Chelsea isn’t even the slightest bit queer. She was my first star-crossed straight lover.
One reader, Maria, illustrates this heartbreaking problem perfectly:
“I recently came out as bisexual and, lucky me, I’m head over heels in love with my straight girl friend. I feel the need to tell her, but I’m afraid it’ll ruin our relationship. What should I do?”
You probably want me to say, “Tell her! Give it a go! Maybe she will be totally into it!”
Well, there’s a problem with that. Imagine a straight guy writing in and saying that they want to date their lesbian friend. If I told them to go for it because the girl might be into it, I would be completely disregarding the right of their lesbian friend to self-identify as someone who does not like men. That would be all kinds of icky grossness that I’m totally not about! You have the right to self-identify as a queer girl, and you also have the right to have that identity respected.
Now, I’m sure you can agree that you want your queer identity respected, am I right? Well, that means you need to respect the identity of your straight friend. And, sadly for you, this means you need to recognize that your friend probably doesn’t want to be pursued by you. Because they are straight. And like boys.
So, now we need to decided whether or not to tell your straight crush about your admiration. On one hand, the appeal of telling your friend is probably taken away once you realize that this is a crush that can never be. Why tell them if nothing will come of it?
But, if you are having a really hard time realizing the limitations of your crush, then it might not be a bad thing to let your friend know. Especially if they can tell you are acting a little weird around them. But remember: It’s important to tell them with no expectations of a relationship whatsoever!
Saying something like, “Hey, I know that I’ve been acting kind of strange lately. Truth is, I have a crush on you. But I know that you are straight and this can’t work out, so I’m trying to get over it. I don’t want things to become weird between us because of this. But I just wanted you to know because I care about you and think you deserve to know what’s been up with me.”
By telling them what’s up in this way, you recognize their right to self-identify as straight, and to have that identity respected. But you also let them know why they are catching strange vibes from you. Will it be a little awkward? Maybe. But, by saying something like this, you have honesty and respect on your side. Which is major.
What they say is true: A straight girl crush is the worst kind of crush. But it’s important to know that there are lots of queer girls out there who are just waiting for you to crush on them…even if they may be a little hard to find. So, while crushing on a straight girl is tempting, keep your eyes peeled for the fantastic, smart, sassy, and beautiful queer ladies all around you. Then, ask one of them out.
Got an LGBTQ question you want Katie to answer? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org with your queer conundrums so she can work her advice-giving magic!