How To Deal When Your Friends Are Talking About You Behind Your Back

Hi Heather,

I kind of need help with my friends. They’re acting weird. They went behind my back and started talking about me and another friend to our other friends. They said a lot of mean things about us, and now they’ve been a little rude to my face too. They don’t know that I know they were talking about me. I just feel like they’re attacking me all the time. They probably still talk behind my back. I don’t know what to do. I really need help.

I’m sorry that your friends are being so crappy to you right now. It really hurts to find out that people you’re close to have been saying mean things behind your back. We’ve all been there, but that doesn’t make it sting any less. You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling right now.

Unfortunately, this sort of thing is quite common in friendships when a group is involved. One girl gets annoyed, vents a little, and then it becomes an all-out gossip session that spares no feelings. We all have to admit that we’ve found ourselves caught up in it at least once, but when we’re on the receiving end, we realize how much it stinks. That’s not to say you have to just accept it – you don’t! You can, and should, confront them about what you heard to get to the bottom of things.

I really think you should talk to them, because it sounds like there’s some sort of issue, especially if they’re being a little rude to your face too. The next time you’re with them and you feel uncomfortable with their comments, speak up. Say something like, “I don’t appreciate you talking to me that way,” or “You’re hurting my feelings, please stop.” You can also bring up what you heard. Talk to them together, or simply approach the one girl you’re most comfortable with and say something to her. Let them know you heard what they said, and you’re really upset about it. Ask them if they have a problem with you, and let them know you feel like you’re being picked on lately.

Just a warning: if you confront your friends, they may get defensive and either deny what you heard or try to blow it off. This behavior is normal, and it’s happening because they feel guilty and stupid, and they don’t know what to do. But you shouldn’t have to sit by quietly feeling sad just because they might get thrown off. If this is really bothering you, you have to say something.

In the end, remember this: a true friend will apologize and try to make things better. A toxic friend will roll her eyes and tell you you’re being ridiculous – then continue talking about you. If that happens, leave that friend behind. It hurts, and it’s hard, but you don’t need those kinds of people in your life.

take care,
Heather

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