Ask A Guy: Why Is He Keeping Your Relationship A Secret?

Hi Joel,

Okay, so there’s a guy that I’ve been crushing on for two years now, and this year we’ve begun to talk more and even start to text. We found out through texting that we both like each other. A day after that, he asked me out and I said yes. The problem is, he doesn’t want me to tell my friends that he even likes me. Do I keep lying to my friends to keep him, or should I confront him and say we should tell them? If so, how should I go about doing this?

There are a number of reasons why he might be doing his best to keep your relationship a secret. Sadly however, none of them are good in terms of a future with this guy.

The first possibility is that you’re not the only girl he’s going out with. Society has a ton of names for this situation, but if he is going so far as to ask you to hide your feelings and status from your friends, it’s likely because he doesn’t want them to know. There could very well be another girl in the picture, and he doesn’t want the news getting back to her.

Another reason could be that he just sees you as temporary, and doesn’t want to spoil his chances with someone else. He may be into one of your friends, and by keeping them in the dark about being with you, he can still pursue them (or anyone else) when you’re not around. This is the same idea as having a “safety net” relationship, where you know if nothing better comes along, there is a person you kept hanging to go back to.

Finally, and sorry to be so harsh, he could just be emotionally or physically using you. It’s like Michael Stipe from REM said, “a simple prop to occupy my time.” Many people just want someone so they can feel wanted, even if they don’t feel any emotions whatsoever. This is about as unhealthy as it gets, but it’s still a possibility.

Regardless of which of those categories he falls into, or even if he falls into another, the fact that he is basically making you stay silent about things is about as big a red flag as you can get. If you are into someone, let alone dating them exclusively, there is absolutely no reason to keep it a secret. The fact that he’s asking you to lie to your friends makes things even worse. NOTHING should come before your friends. Ever. Especially not a guy!

My advice is to tell him either you go public with your relationship or it’s over. Any other option is unhealthy and unfair to you.

Best of luck!

Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube.. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.


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Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
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  • Izzy Worley

    Im dating someone and he tells his friends that im a friend… he doesnt talk to me on social media sites but he says we are more than friends and that he wants a relationship… the only thing i can think of is that he doesnt want his son to know unless its serious… but im so fed up of my friends trying to set me up with men and i just want to tell all my friends about him. Its so frustrating as i really feel this guy is someone special

  • Anoymous

    Maybe or maybe not.. Fine„ I agree with most of ur points but… I am a guy and non of these are the reason to why I keep my relationship a secret…. Some guys just have a GOOD reason to why they keep it a secret„ to be honest I keep mine a secret because I dont want her parents to know about us.. Neither does she 🙂