This past weekend, with no intentions of doing so, I somehow ended up in a viscous online stalking spiral that resulted in me feeling miserable, pathetic, and angry. And when I say somehow, I really mean that I did this to myself. I am an expert Facebook stalker, and while I usually manage to get that under control, this weekend, I was weak.
It started innocently enough when I looked at the Facebook page of a girl I really can’t stand (for many valid reasons that I don’t want to get into right now). I hadn’t looked at her page in a while, but I was suddenly overcome with an urge to see what she had been doing since I had last Facebook stalked her. Looking at her page turned into looking at her Instagram, which turned into looking at her Tumblr, which turned into searching for her on Twitter. This turned into me finally slamming my phone down in disgust while wondering why I obviously hated myself enough to do something so destructive, pointless, immature, and ridiculous.
Then I did it again the next day.
Guys, I don’t know. Don’t judge me. We’ve all found ourselves in a terrible Facebook stalking cycle of someone we hate. Even though we don’t want to look at their profiles and we don’t want to know what’s happening in their lives, we really, really want to know all of that. Even though we’d rather hear nails on a chalkboard than look at their face in 8,000 selfies, we look at them. We don’t always talk about it, but we’ve done it, whether it’s with a significant other’s ex, our ex, or someone we just don’t get along with… and it’s always the same. Here are 20 real things that happen when you Facebook stalk someone you hate:
1. You look at their page and feel weirdly thrilled when you notice they’ve posted something new.
2. A whole new photo album on Facebook is basically like a gift from the gods.
3. But even if there is nothing new, you’ll still look through a million things you’ve already looked at 20 times before.
4. You text your best friend to make fun of everything about this person, even if you know you sound petty.
5. You analyze their every social media move to find out everything you can about them.
Yes, you read every little comment on their wall and pictures.
6. Even when you’re done stalking, you spend hours stressing about whether or not you just accidentally liked something.
7. You feel irrationally angry when they change their privacy settings, and you can no longer see anything…
8. …But you feel uncomfortably happy when they change their settings so that you can see things you never could before.
9. You consider asking a friend to add them so you can see more, but then you realize that is a horrible idea.
10. You click out of the page immediately whenever you even think someone else is behind you.
God forbid you get caught!
11. When you see them in person, you try not to act like you know details about their life, but you feel like it’s written all over your face.
12. You start on one social media site, then stalk them on every social media site possible.
So they didn’t have a Twitter last week, but maybe they do now! Oh, wait, maybe they have a Vine too.
13. You start to worry and wonder if there is actually something wrong with you.
No, no, you’re totally normal. Carry on.
14. When someone else logs onto your account without you being there, you have a mini panic attack wondering if they’re going to see your recent searches in your activity log.
15. You’re hesitant to search for anyone in front of someone else, because you know if you type in a certain letter, the stalkee’s name could come up in your recent searches.
16. You randomly get freaked out and imagine that you accidentally friend requested them.
17. Eventually you start stalking their friends to see if there are any picture you might have missed, and then you end up on their cousin’s girlfriend’s best friend’s page somehow.
18. You start comparing your life to their life.
19. Even if their profile is private, you click on literally everything to see what will pop up.
20. You can’t stop even though you hate yourself in that moment.
Which of these things can you relate to the most? Do you ever Facebook stalk someone you hate? Tell me in the comments.