I rarely think it’s a good idea to start a friends-with-benefits relationship. Everyone always starts out being super pumped about the idea of getting physical with someone without being in a committed relationship, but it never lasts. It may seem like you are able to have your cake and eat it too, but in reality, things can get messy, fast. I know firsthand how emotions can develop and start to muddle the lines that the two of you drew before you guys started getting physical.
Now, I’m not saying that having a FWB relationship will always end in a broken heart. It’s just important to realize that it takes two people who are on the EXACT same page in order for this situation to work. If you’ve ever been in a friends-with-benefits relationship you know how hard it is to keep your feelings hidden. And you also know how hard it is to try and end things when you’re in too deep. Here are five readers’ questions about what to do when you’re stuck in a FWB relationship, answered.
He Broke Up With Me But Asked To Be FWB
My ex broke up with me and days later he texted me saying he missed our physical relationship and that he missed me. He will text me asking how I am doing and stuff like that on a regular basis. He constantly asks me to hang out and one day I accepted. We talked and had sex. He was very affectionate and sweet, and I could tell by the way he looked at me that he still has feelings for me. Then, he asked if we could be friends with benefits. I don’t know why he’s doing this, he is the one who dumped me and keeps contacting me. We have good chemistry and enjoy each other’s company, but it is very obvious this FWB thing isn’t good for us. It’s bound to hurt one of us. But it’s very hard to let go of my feelings and passion towards my ex. I’m so confused. What should I do? – Gaby
I totally understand how confused you are with this situation. It sounds like your ex isn’t ready to give up the physical aspect of your relationship, but he obviously doesn’t want to commit. He wants to get everything he wants without having to do much work, and that’s not fair to you. You said that you know an FWB relationship won’t work with you guys because you know one of you will get hurt, and I think you should follow your gut. You need to end this before it gets too complicated. Talk to him and let him know that if he wants to be with you sexually, he’ll have to be in a full relationship with you. Let him know that he has to make up his mind here. If he really wants to get back together with you, he will. If he says he only wants to hook up, you should end it. To put it bluntly, that means he wants to hook up with you while also being able to talk to other people. If you’re okay with that, go for it. But it doesn’t really sound like you are. Be fair to yourself!
I Fell For Him, What Should I Do?
I don’t know what to do. I’ve fallen in love with my FWB! At first, I told myself that I could handle this type of relationship and that I would never catch feelings for him. But suddenly, I’m in love with him. The sad part is, I know he just wants sex and that we would never have a real relationship. I don’t want to have feelings for him anymore, but I don’t know how I can continue to be FWBs without losing him altogether. Help! – Lil Mama
Hey Lil Mama,
I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. You need to start by being honest with this guy, and then doing what’s right for you. If you know for sure that he doesn’t want a real relationship, than you probably already know you need to end things. Talk to him and let him know that you’ve started to develop feelings for him. Say something like, “if this isn’t going to get any more serious, then I can’t do it anymore.” If he says he definitely doesn’t want to seriously date, then cut things off. It will be hard, but settling for only a physical relationship is just going to leave you heartbroken. You’re better off ending things and trying to move on.
Should I Be Content With Our FWB Relationship Even Though I Want More?
I have found myself in a FWB relationship, although I didn’t know we would be FWB when we started seeing each other. We’ve been seeing each other for nine months now, and we’re best friends. We spend most of every day together, we practically live together, and I’m closer with him than anyone else. I’m in love with him and I wish we could start a real relationship, but I’m resigned that we’ll never be together. Should I be content with what we have even if I want more? – Alice
I never like the words content and relationship in the same sentence. If you want more, tell him! You guys are super close, right? You should be able to tell him how you feel. I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by holding in your feelings for him. Falling for someone you’re in a FWB relationship with is hard, trust me I know. But you shouldn’t be content with being something that you don’t want. Best case scenario, he likes to that way too and wants to me more. Worst case, he isn’t ready for a relationship. Either way, it’s better to know and figure things out from there, than to always wonder. Go with your feelings, they’ll never let you down. Good luck!
I Want More, But He’s Not Ready, Should I Wait?
I met this guy at work and we started hanging out. I asked him if he wanted to be a little more than friends, and he said yes. But he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he had just got out of one that he got really hurt in. So, we started to hang out and have sex and everything seemed to be going well. Until, one day, when we were hanging out with some other friends and he accused me of flirting with this other guy. I didn’t know how to react. My personality is flirty by nature, but I wasn’t doing it to make him jealous. He told me that he wanted to stop hooking up and to just be friends. But now my heart is broken. I really did like him and wanted our FWB relationship to turn into a real one. Did I mess up everything? We could have been together. Should I wait for him? He says he still likes me more than just friends, but I’m not sure what to do. – Cristal
Don’t blame yourself for the way this guy reacted. He made it clear from the beginning that he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, meaning you were free to flirt with other guys. If he didn’t want you talking to anyone else, he should have been honest and told you that. His jealousy could mean one of two things: either he’s getting possessive of you (which isn’t okay or fair), or he has real feelings for you and is actually jealous. You need to have an honest discussion with him. Tell him you like him and you want a relationship, and find out how he feels. If he says he’s ready to start dating, take it slow. If he says he doesn’t want a relationship but doesn’t want you talking to anyone else, let him know that’s not fair to you. Don’t wait for him if he seems clueless about what he wants. If he really wanted to date you, he would.
I Don’t Want This Type Of Relationship Anymore
I am currently in a FWB relationship, just without the sex. We’ve known each other for four years and I know he’s a very sexual guy who hooks up with whomever he wants. That’s the main reason why I won’t have sex with him. Also, because I’m a virgin and I want to give up my V-card until I am in a solid monogamous relationship. My parents approve of him, but only my mom knows we are fooling around. I just learned that I’m Demisexual. I want to keep being friends with him, but I also want to keep the touching, teasing, kissing and handwork. But I want to end our FWB relationship and only do things with someone I am in a serious relationship with. I don’t know what to do, or how to end it with him. –Bella
You should pretty strong about your sexuality, so I’m not sure why you’re so afraid to be upfront with this guy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait until marriage to have sex, or not wanting to hook up with someone without being in a serious relationship. You have to tell your friend how you feel. Let him know that you’re looking for a relationship, and if he’s not, you need to end things. Good luck.
Are you stuck in a FWB relationship? Were you able to end your physical relationship and still remain friends with your ex-FWB? Let me know in the comments below!