Are You A Demisexual? Facts, Myths, And Advice

confusedFollow along with me through a conversation that we’ve all experienced at one point in our lives. Friend 1: “OMG, he is so hot! I would make out with him in a heartbeat!” Friend 2: “Really? He’s not my type. I like bigger muscles and beautiful brown eyes. Now him over there, he’s is way more my speed.” You: “Hmm. Neither of them is my type. I don’t really know what my ‘type’ is.”

We’re all drawn to different types of people whether it’s on a physical or emotional level. Some of us like tall muscular guys, while others are into girls with blue eyes and brown hair. Others are more interested in a person’s mentality and their unique characteristics. It’s totally normal to be physically attracted to someone without even meeting them. But what if you’ve never been attracted to anyone? What if you’ve never been lusted over a stranger, or a movie star that all your friends are totally into? Does that make you weird?

Of course not! It might mean that you are demisexual. Demisexuality lays in the middle of asexual and sexual spectrum. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a demisexual. In fact, it may explain a lot of things that you’ve wondered about yourself and how you feel about sex and relationships. Here is the run down on demisexuality.

What is a demisexual?

A demisexual is someone who can only be sexually attracted to someone on a secondary attraction level. Demisexuals have to have formed previous emotional connections with someone to be physically attracted to that person. Basically, demisexuals aren’t attracted to people’s physical appearances. There is no spike of lust or surge of attraction to someone they aren’t emotionally in tune with. Demisexuals can be sexually attracted to people that they are not romantically involved with because there is the emotional connection in that relationship, like a friend.

What the heck is primary and secondary attraction?

Primary attraction is attraction to the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality” (LonerWolf.com). So, a demisexual person won’t get turned on by meeting someone new, there is no lust at first site, no, ” I would totally jump his bones!” for demisexual people. Instead, demisexuals, have secondary attraction which, “comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection”(LonerWolf.com). This means that a demisexual has to first really get to know someone before they have any sort of sexual attraction to them.

Is it different from asexual?

Yes. An asexual is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction – at all. They don’t have the sexual urges that others do when it comes to physical acts. If you’re interested in learning more about asexuality check out this and this.

How do demisexuals feel about sex?

Demisexuals have all different types of feelings towards sex, just like non-demisexuals, asexuals, and anyone else who wants/ doesn’t want to have sex. Being a demisexual has no bearing on views towards virginity, sex before marriage, and any other personal beliefs that differentiate us all. We all feel how we want to feel about sex. There can be people who are attracted to a bunch of people and have sex with them. There are people who feel attracted to others, but don’t want to have sex with them. Being demisexual has more to do with the emotional connection you need to feel before you can be sexually turned on by someone.

Can demisexuals have/enjoy sex?

Of course! Being demisexual has no physical barriers that stop them from having and enjoying sex. In fact, that’s kind of the basis of being demisexual. In order to want to have and enjoy sex, they have to form a connection with someone first. But once that connection is made, demisexuals can have as much – or as little- sex as they want.

How do I know if I am demisexual?

There is no definitive test to define someone as a demisexual. But there are a couple of questions you can ask yourself and do research on to see if you fall within the realms of being a demisexual. Do you feel that you live in a sexually-charged culture that you feel alienated from?  Would you rather masturbate than do anything sexual with someone you do not have feelings for? Have you watched porn and felt zero sexual attraction to anything you see? These are the types of questions that can help you find out whether you are demisexual. There are also tests like this one, that can help you navigate your feelings and experiences and help you relate to possibly being demisexual. But please don’t take tests like these for more than they are. No matter how you identify sexually, you are your own person, and there is nothing wrong with thinking and feeling differently from others around you.

Is there anything wrong with being demisexual?

No! Just like there is nothing wrong with being asexual or gay or bi-curious, or any of the other sexual categories that we talk about. You are who you are. And you’re perfect. Don’t feel pressured to have to identify with any type of sexuality.

Is this something I can cure?

Being demisexual is not a disease or a flaw that you need to fix. Simply identifying as being demisexual may help you understand your feelings towards sex and attraction to other people. Again, there is nothing wrong with being you!

I think I might be demisexual, now what? 

You keep on livin’! You are still you! You have the same amount of people who love and care about you. There is nothing that says that you need to come out to the world, and there is nothing holding you back if you do decide to tell others. This is your life and your body. You chose who and why you want to have any type of sexual relation with. You may not be able to choose how you feel about others sexually, but your feelings are your own. You do not need to change anything about yourself.

Do you think you might be demisexual? Have you identified as being demisexual? Let us know your experiences in the comments below! 

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  • Montserrat Vergara

    hey!
    Well, after reading this article and comments I still very confused. I hope someone there who can help me understand my self

    I haven´t felt in love with someone but l did have few crushes, and all of them are close friends; the last one was my actual best friend but like 2 years ago. Nevethless I can know if someone is hot or not but just that, like “oh he´s hot, but i don´t want to have anything sexual with him”.

    also I´m 18 and I haven´t had the nesecity of masturbate or watch porn. Moreover, I fell a little bit awkward when my friends are talking about it (my friends are boys and they don´t have shame to talk about anything with me, I think it is because I´m an opened mind)

    And you would ask if I´m a freak or nerd but no, well, I like comics and books but I am very friendly person and I love to talk about anything, fashion, sports, pilitics, history, I even can talk about sex but inside of me I fell weird.

    So please help me to understand if I´m really a demisexual or just a girl with a inmature mind who takes this topics.

    bye

  • I’m kinda confused on what exactly I am (I currently identify as a demisexual but I’m still a little unsure).
    I can look at someone, anyone, and think “wowie they’re hot”, and that’s it. I think a character on a show I watch is really attractive but I have no desire to actually be in a relationship with him, and I ship him with another character (like, really hard omf) so there’s that.
    The only person I’ve ever truly felt love for is my best friend and even then I don’t wanna actually do the do with him (but it might be because I’m kinda young, I only know him online and/or he has a bf already. He was in love with me at one point but I turned him down for the first two reasons, and like right after that I fell for him.). I just don’t understand who I am but I really want to. Help?

    • Leontien H

      Maybe try googling “aesthetic attraction”?
      For example, when I feel aesthetically attracted to someone, I also think “wowie they’re hot” 😉 I would, however, like to go further (dating, talking a lot, relationship…. etc. – I didn’t mean sex haha)
      I found this article about aesthetic attraction (https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/aesthetic-attraction/) and I think your feelings might be what the writer of this article describes as “aesthetic recognition”
      So kinda 1) seeing a person 2) thinking “they look very nice” 3) continue living your life
      I hope this helped a bit 🙂

  • Moon

    Are demisexuals attracted to the opposite sex or the same?

  • kayte

    I don’t think demisexual should be classified as some class all its own– I think you can be gay or straight and be demisexual (requiring an emotion connection before physical attraction can occur)

  • Map2

    I am confused if I could identify with being demisexual.
    I have never understood the “wow, that celebrity is hot” or even that guy over there is hot. I could see that “technically” they are good looking, but then “so what?”. I would never give it a second thought. On the other hand, I find certain features attractive, like it if a guy has a nice back etc.
    Yet, the only person I want to have sex with is my current bf. I have a very high libido when Im with him and I enjoy having sex. I do not see anyone else the same way as i do him, and I am not saying this because Im in a relationship, but because I am just not interested or “excited” the same way about anyone else. And I only find him handsome and attractive.
    I have been in relationships before and once before been in love. And I just felt attraction to them. Also, I have found that the person Im dating has a great effect on my perception of beauty. The only people I could see being handsome or attractive outside of my relationship would be people, who highly resembled them physically. I have asked some of my friends if their perception of beauty ever changed with the person they were dating and all said “no”. That they chose a partner, who amongst other people they find attractive. For example a person likes brunettes and blondes their current gf is brunette, they would like their gf and be attracted to them, but they would still have the same overall general preferences. While for me about 90-95% of my perception of who is attractive is based on the person Im dating (aka, if someone has black hair, I would from then on find black haired people more attractive). This liking also goes away when I stop dating. Then Id say my slate goes to “zero” and I could pick anyone. However, as mentioned before, I have had crushes and can see why people would say he or she is good looking, but I wouldnt be attracted in the sexual sense.
    So Im confused whether or not I am demisexual or not, thoughts?

    • Kay

      I feel absolutely exactly the same way. I personally identify as hetero-demisexual if that helps any 🙂 So nice to know I’m not the only one, idk I always kinda freaked myself out 🙂

    • Kaori

      THIS!! THIS is exactly how I feel!! :’) . When someone says “wow, that guy is hot” or something like that and I don’t react the same, people makes fun of me. I have a boyfriend and people says he’s ugly, but not for me, and only he has been attractive to me since I knew him better, time after I met him. Knowing now that I’m demisexual is a good relief. I’m not a “broken person” how I used to belief.

      (Sorry for my bad english)

  • Ashley

    Wow, this article nailed it! Thanks for doing such a great job!
    If you’re thinking “but this is how attraction works with everyone. They’re just trying to be special” think about this: If everyone was like this, sexual advertisements wouldn’t work and nobody would be worried about being sexually attractive.
    I’m actually an 18 year old in college that identifies as demisexual (which is how I found this article) and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person. Ever. That person was my best friend of 4 years. Other than that one person, I’ve never looked at someone and thought “wow, they’re sexy”.
    So to any of you that identify as demisexual (or really any other orientation), I’d like to tell you that your orientation is completely valid. 🙂

  • This is the best article on demisexuality I read until the moment. Thank you for putting it into words, and ignore those rude comments.
    People usually have trouble believing in what they don’t have any contact with.
    Again, thank you for this little spark of representation and wonderful informative article that I hope will help people understand.
    Carry on!

  • Misty

    Can you do something on Sapiosexuals please

  • mi

    omg i understand heterosexuality, homosexuality ,bisexuality, and even asexuality. but this has gone too far. it seems as if people want to feel ‘special’ or something. I guarantee someone will laugh if you tell them that you’re ‘demisexual’ in real life. why do you have to come up with all these weird names. like just shut up nobody cares

    • mzMelanin

      I’ve told people in real life and guess what, no laughs or judgments. And I also don’t find myself some special little flower either. And I love the “nobody cares” statement even though you made a comment, thus proving you care!

    • Mikayla VanDerske

      Actually I like this because my friend actually thinks I’m very weird because I won’t look at someone and want to have sex with them honestly if people try to even kiss me I hide my face and it scares the shit out of me. I have only wanted to kiss or have sex with one person so having a name for how I feel makes it a lot easier for me to feel comfortable cuz I know other people feel this way too

    • Emily Rose

      It’s not like these new terms are new sexualities. They have always been around but guess what. People like you have always kept them silent about it. It’s not that they are new things made up to feel “special.” It’s that people are finally feeling comfortable and confident enough to speak up about their differences, put them into words, own them and acknowledge them. And yes, celebrate them because you should be able to celebrate who you are. Us speaking up is not to seem special to others. We don’t care what hateful strangers like you think. It’s for us because it makes us feel happy to finally put into words what our sexuality is. We are different, and that’s okay.

  • bab

    can u stop using sexualities as nouns please