Follow along with me through a conversation that we’ve all experienced at one point in our lives. Friend 1: “OMG, he is so hot! I would make out with him in a heartbeat!” Friend 2: “Really? He’s not my type. I like bigger muscles and beautiful brown eyes. Now him over there, he’s is way more my speed.” You: “Hmm. Neither of them is my type. I don’t really know what my ‘type’ is.”
We’re all drawn to different types of people whether it’s on a physical or emotional level. Some of us like tall muscular guys, while others are into girls with blue eyes and brown hair. Others are more interested in a person’s mentality and their unique characteristics. It’s totally normal to be physically attracted to someone without even meeting them. But what if you’ve never been attracted to anyone? What if you’ve never been lusted over a stranger, or a movie star that all your friends are totally into? Does that make you weird?
Of course not! It might mean that you are demisexual. Demisexuality lays in the middle of asexual and sexual spectrum. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a demisexual. In fact, it may explain a lot of things that you’ve wondered about yourself and how you feel about sex and relationships. Here is the run down on demisexuality.
What is a demisexual?
A demisexual is someone who can only be sexually attracted to someone on a secondary attraction level. Demisexuals have to have formed previous emotional connections with someone to be physically attracted to that person. Basically, demisexuals aren’t attracted to people’s physical appearances. There is no spike of lust or surge of attraction to someone they aren’t emotionally in tune with. Demisexuals can be sexually attracted to people that they are not romantically involved with because there is the emotional connection in that relationship, like a friend.
What the heck is primary and secondary attraction?
“Primary attraction is attraction to the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality” (LonerWolf.com). So, a demisexual person won’t get turned on by meeting someone new, there is no lust at first site, no, ” I would totally jump his bones!” for demisexual people. Instead, demisexuals, have secondary attraction which, “comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection”(LonerWolf.com). This means that a demisexual has to first really get to know someone before they have any sort of sexual attraction to them.
Is it different from asexual?
Yes. An asexual is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction – at all. They don’t have the sexual urges that others do when it comes to physical acts. If you’re interested in learning more about asexuality check out this and this.
How do demisexuals feel about sex?
Demisexuals have all different types of feelings towards sex, just like non-demisexuals, asexuals, and anyone else who wants/ doesn’t want to have sex. Being a demisexual has no bearing on views towards virginity, sex before marriage, and any other personal beliefs that differentiate us all. We all feel how we want to feel about sex. There can be people who are attracted to a bunch of people and have sex with them. There are people who feel attracted to others, but don’t want to have sex with them. Being demisexual has more to do with the emotional connection you need to feel before you can be sexually turned on by someone.
Can demisexuals have/enjoy sex?
Of course! Being demisexual has no physical barriers that stop them from having and enjoying sex. In fact, that’s kind of the basis of being demisexual. In order to want to have and enjoy sex, they have to form a connection with someone first. But once that connection is made, demisexuals can have as much – or as little- sex as they want.
How do I know if I am demisexual?
There is no definitive test to define someone as a demisexual. But there are a couple of questions you can ask yourself and do research on to see if you fall within the realms of being a demisexual. Do you feel that you live in a sexually-charged culture that you feel alienated from? Would you rather masturbate than do anything sexual with someone you do not have feelings for? Have you watched porn and felt zero sexual attraction to anything you see? These are the types of questions that can help you find out whether you are demisexual. There are also tests like this one, that can help you navigate your feelings and experiences and help you relate to possibly being demisexual. But please don’t take tests like these for more than they are. No matter how you identify sexually, you are your own person, and there is nothing wrong with thinking and feeling differently from others around you.
Is there anything wrong with being demisexual?
No! Just like there is nothing wrong with being asexual or gay or bi-curious, or any of the other sexual categories that we talk about. You are who you are. And you’re perfect. Don’t feel pressured to have to identify with any type of sexuality.
Is this something I can cure?
Being demisexual is not a disease or a flaw that you need to fix. Simply identifying as being demisexual may help you understand your feelings towards sex and attraction to other people. Again, there is nothing wrong with being you!
I think I might be demisexual, now what?
You keep on livin’! You are still you! You have the same amount of people who love and care about you. There is nothing that says that you need to come out to the world, and there is nothing holding you back if you do decide to tell others. This is your life and your body. You chose who and why you want to have any type of sexual relation with. You may not be able to choose how you feel about others sexually, but your feelings are your own. You do not need to change anything about yourself.
Do you think you might be demisexual? Have you identified as being demisexual? Let us know your experiences in the comments below!