Okay, so I recently started dating this guy, and I feel like the whole relationship is about me. I know that sounds like a good thing, but I feel like I’m the man in the relationship and I really don’t want to be. We were really good friends before, and I thought I knew who he was. But he’s not fun anymore, he is too scared to do anything different or be himself because he says he doesn’t want to mess up and lose me. After a while it gets really annoying because our relationship is so predictable. Please help me. I love him for who he is, and I feel like I’m losing that person. I have spoken to him before and told him he can always be himself and that he’s not going to lose me, but he just keeps saying he is being himself. I just want him to open up!
First thing’s first: your friendship is over. It’s a thing of the past. You are in an intimate relationship now, and what you had as friends doesn’t really apply anymore.
The line between friends and more than friends is one of the thinnest and most dangerous to cross, as there’s really no coming back once you go for it. If an intimate relationship with a friend doesn’t succeed, it makes going back to being just friends very awkward and often impossible, and I rarely recommend that people date long-time or really close friends.
However, since you’re in it already, understand that trust is a very tricky thing, and when you changed your relationship type, that trust changed as well. Granted, he should be more free and open with you, and if you feel he’s holding back, the two of you need to discuss why he’s suddenly closed himself off because that’s not a good thing. But know that if you’re looking for the same exact insight and style you had before you got together, that’s not going to happen. He’s probably found someone else to confide in about your relationship and a few other things – and there’s nothing wrong with that.
All you can do there is encourage him to relax, and remind him that he won’t mess things up between you. If he keeps harping on that single point, then he might not have the confidence to be in a relationship,
At the same time, if you feel things are too predictable, make plans to shake things up. Put together an evening you’ll enjoy and sort of bring him along for the ride. Maybe if you show some suggestions and ideas, it will give him more to work with and he’ll get out of the rut he’s putting you two in.
There’s nothing wrong with being the more aggressive person in the relationship. It’s not the 50’s anymore, and the idea of the subservient female is thankfully in the past. However, if you don’t like how passive he is, chances are he’s not the right match for you. All guys are different, and maybe you just need someone who is a bit more take-charge than your current situation.
Be clear and forward about what you want, and if he can’t cut it, he’s not The One.
Best of luck!
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube.. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.