What To Do If Your First Time Having Sex Was Terrible

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for five months and we were both virgins. We finally decided to go to the next level and have sex. I don’t have a lot of confidence, so it took a lot for me to get to that point and to feel prepared enough to have sex for the first time. When we started, he wasn’t hard enough because he was so nervous. It kept slipping out and the condom wasn’t helping. I really was ready to do it, but the situation got awkward because of that. He felt really awful about it because he screwed it up. Now I feel like I’m not ready to take that step again. Why do I feel like I don’t really want to have sex again for a while? I think that experience really put me off it, and I don’t know why? 

I’m sorry your first time wasn’t as great as you wanted it to be, and I’m sorry you feel this way now. It’s totally understandable how an awkward experience like this one could make you want to give up altogether. However, it’s also important to know that a lot of people don’t have a good first time – it’s not just you two.

It sounds like what messed you guys up was a whole lot of nerves, which is normal. It seems like you were both over-thinking things, and maybe you two weren’t as ready as you thought you were. It’s okay that things didn’t work out. Sex in general is awkward, and the first time is usually the most awkward. Movies, TV shows, and books like to romanticize when you lose your virginity, but in real life, it often doesn’t play out so perfectly. Many people have experiences more similar to yours, believe it or not. It’s just not something everyone wants to talk about. If you’re hesitant to try again because you feel embarrassed or you think every time will be that bad, you shouldn’t let that hold you back. Practice makes perfect!

That being said, it’s totally fine if you want to wait a while before you try doing it again. Just because you already had sex doesn’t mean you immediately have to do it again. You can do it whenever you feel comfortable doing it! Maybe you need some more time to get used to the idea of that level of intimacy – that’s okay! It sounds like your boyfriend may need some time too.

What I think you absolutely should do is talk to your boyfriend. Open and honest communication is very important and an essential part of a good sex life. You guys had some issues, but that’s okay. Now it’s something you need to move past in order to have a good sex life in the future. Let him know that you don’t blame him for what happened and tell him what you’re thinking. If you want to wait, you have to tell him that. See what he’s thinking too.

You guys can try again whenever you feel comfortable doing so – there’s no timeline you have to follow. The next time you try, take things slow, calm down, don’t focus on making things perfect, and just have fun. It may take some time, but I promise it will get better.

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Michel Pells

    Just try again. Everybody learns it. Some guys just do it always since they have nothing else to do(in African countries for example). Heehe. Cheers