Let’s rewind to a couple of years ago, when I met one of the only guys that I’ve ever really liked. He was the cousin of my best friend’s boyfriend and four years older than I was. One night, we ended up on his front steps talking and laughing. I felt something, like a flutter of some sort, but I ignored it. I heard that he had a girlfriend and knew I couldn’t do anything with him. I woke up the next morning to a text from him saying, “What would you have done if I kissed you last night?”
I couldn’t believe it. I was so conflicted. I liked him so much, but he had a girlfriend! I asked about her, and he told me not to worry, that they were on the verge of breaking up. So, I believed him. I started a semi-physical/semi-emotional relationship with him. We would text throughout the day and see each other on weekends. We hooked up countless times and I really started to fall for him. This relationship (or whatever you want to call it) spanned over nine blissful months. The longer we were together, the deeper my feelings for him became. And then, it all came shattering down.
His girlfriend surprised him by showing up to a party he threw. I was there, she was there, he was there, all of us in one room. She had no clue about what was going on between us, but everyone else did. I had been hanging out with all of them for months. It was really awkward for me and I made my best friend leave early because I was so hurt and utterly embarrassed of how dumb I had acted. I actually thought that he had broken up with her.
Later, I found out that they were on a “break” but weren’t officially broken up for the entire time we had been seeing each other. I was the side girl. I helped a guy cheat on his girlfriend. But the messed up thing was, I still liked him and wanted to be with him. We continued to see each other for a couple of months after that. I knew he had a girlfriend, and I didn’t care. I liked him so much that I couldn’t stop seeing him. We finally stopped hanging out as much and went our separate ways. We were “together” for a little over a year when all was said and done. It was the longest relationship I’ve ever had, but in reality, it wasn’t real. It was a lie. We were a lie. We tried to justify our behavior and actions, but in the end it was too much. Here’s what I learned from being in a relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend:
1. Make sure he is completely single before you develop more feelings for him.
You need confirmation that they are completely over. He needs to tell you straight up that they are broken up. If you need to do a little online research to make sure that things are removed from profiles and that it is public knowledge, then do it. Knowing is so much better than assuming.
2. Liking him more won’t make him break up with her.
I convinced myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because I liked him so much and we were supposed to be together. Liking him more than he likes you never ends well. He liked me but not enough to leave his girlfriend. That was a hard pill to swallow.
3. If things seem shady, it’s because they are.
I didn’t think about it until after we were done, but we never went out in public. He never took me on any dates or showed affection towards me when we were out with our group. If it seems like he’s hiding you from others, then he most likely is.
4. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement on what’s right and wrong.
Once I found out that he was still with her I should have ended it. But I didn’t. I thought that if I just waited long enough that he would eventually choose me. I also became attracted to the idea of being caught and having her finally find out about us. It made the hook-ups hotter, which only made me want him more.
5. Don’t be afraid to call him out.
If you have some reservations about how things are going down, tell him. I assumed that he told me the truth and never questioned the situation. Huge mistake. Be on top of the things that he says he will do. If you notice that he’s giving you the runaround or making up excuses, then get out of there.
6. Put yourself in her shoes.
I never put myself into his girlfriend’s mindset. I never thought about her, off at college, thinking that her boyfriend was home waiting for her. They were together for a really long time and I was the girl that came in and messed things up. Make sure you stop and think about how you would feel if you were the one that was being cheated on.
7. Know your worth.
Know how great of a catch you are. Any guy would be lucky to call you his girlfriend and don’t settle for anything less. I thought he was the only one that would ever like me. I was wrong. There are so many people out there who will appreciate how lucky they are to be with you and not put you in second place.
At the end of the day, I wouldn’t take back what I did because my feelings for him were real, but I wish I had been smarter about my choices. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away, it just makes you a coward. I never found out if she knew about us or if she even suspected anything. It’s almost like our relationship never really existed.
Have you ever been the other girl? Why did you choice to stay in the relationship? Let’s chat in the comments below!