7 Lessons I Learned From Dating A Guy With A Girlfriend

messed-upLet’s rewind to a couple of years ago, when I met one of the only guys that I’ve ever really liked. He was the cousin of my best friend’s boyfriend and four years older than I was. One night, we ended up on his front steps talking and laughing. I felt something, like a flutter of some sort, but I ignored it. I heard that he had a girlfriend and knew I couldn’t do anything with him. I woke up the next morning to a text from him saying, “What would you have done if I kissed you last night?”

I couldn’t believe it. I was so conflicted. I liked him so much, but he had a girlfriend! I asked about her, and he told me not to worry, that they were on the verge of breaking up. So, I believed him. I started a semi-physical/semi-emotional relationship with him. We would text throughout the day and see each other on weekends. We hooked up countless times and I really started to fall for him. This relationship (or whatever you want to call it) spanned over nine blissful months. The longer we were together, the deeper my feelings for him became. And then, it all came shattering down.

His girlfriend surprised him by showing up to a party he threw. I was there, she was there, he was there, all of us in one room. She had no clue about what was going on between us, but everyone else did. I had been hanging out with all of them for months. It was really awkward for me and I made my best friend leave early because I was so hurt and utterly embarrassed of how dumb I had acted. I actually thought that he had broken up with her.

Later, I found out that they were on a “break” but weren’t officially broken up for the entire time we had been seeing each other. I was the side girl. I helped a guy cheat on his girlfriend. But the messed up thing was, I still liked him and wanted to be with him. We continued to see each other for a couple of months after that. I knew he had a girlfriend, and I didn’t care. I liked him so much that I couldn’t stop seeing him. We finally stopped hanging out as much and went our separate ways. We were “together” for a little over a year when all was said and done. It was the longest relationship I’ve ever had, but in reality, it wasn’t real. It was a lie. We were a lie. We tried to justify our behavior and actions, but in the end it was too much. Here’s what I learned from being in a relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend:

1. Make sure he is completely single before you develop more feelings for him. 

You need confirmation that they are completely over. He needs to tell you straight up that they are broken up. If you need to do a little online research to make sure that things are removed from profiles and that it is public knowledge, then do it. Knowing is so much better than assuming.

2. Liking him more won’t make him break up with her. 

I convinced myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because I liked him so much and we were supposed to be together. Liking him more than he likes you never ends well. He liked me but not enough to leave his girlfriend. That was a hard pill to swallow.

3. If things seem shady, it’s because they are. 

I didn’t think about it until after we were done, but we never went out in public. He never took me on any dates or showed affection towards me when we were out with our group. If it seems like he’s hiding you from others, then he most likely is.

4. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement on what’s right and wrong. 

Once I found out that he was still with her I should have ended it. But I didn’t. I thought that if I just waited long enough that he would eventually choose me. I also became attracted to the idea of being caught and having her finally find out about us. It made the hook-ups hotter, which only made me want him more.

5. Don’t be afraid to call him out. 

If you have some reservations about how things are going down, tell him. I assumed that he told me the truth and never questioned the situation. Huge mistake. Be on top of the things that he says he will do. If you notice that he’s giving you the runaround or making up excuses, then get out of there.

6. Put yourself in her shoes. 

I never put myself into his girlfriend’s mindset. I never thought about her, off at college, thinking that her boyfriend was home waiting for her. They were together for a really long time and I was the girl that came in and messed things up. Make sure you stop and think about how you would feel if you were the one that was being cheated on.

7. Know your worth. 

Know how great of a catch you are. Any guy would be lucky to call you his girlfriend and don’t settle for anything less. I thought he was the only one that would ever like me. I was wrong. There are so many people out there who will appreciate how lucky they are to be with you and not put you in second place.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t take back what I did because my feelings for him were real, but I wish I had been smarter about my choices. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away, it just makes you a coward. I never found out if she knew about us or if she even suspected anything. It’s almost like our relationship never really existed.

 

Have you ever been the other girl? Why did you choice to stay in the relationship? Let’s chat in the comments below! 

Are You A Side Girl? What Should You Do If A Guy Wants To See You When He’s Seeing Someone Else?

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  • esther fresh

    My boyfriend answers another girls call when am with him for over 1rh what should I do

  • Chevalier

    He was technically not with her. He was single the time he was with you and he wanted to try other women than her before he makes up his mind what he wants to do in future. If he wanted a break from her, she would have known he could be sleeping with other women in the meantime. Please, don;t blame or put yourself down. It was a real relationship. It just didn;t last. The guy wasn;t ready for anything serious. He didn’t invite her to the party. She turned up uninvited=she was chasing him even when he wanted a break from her. My guess is they are not together any more. Unless it was her who wanted the break?

  • Cosita

    I have recently started dating a guy who is married and he and his wife have been separated for a year and a half. I think he is relunctant to divorce because of child custody issues. Not sure what to think.

    • Chevalier

      If he doesn’t get his divorce within 6 months of dating you, it is time to move on.

  • Vicki Wabnik

    It’s hard being the other woman.I’m that right now and i know i shouldn’t be.He tells me when he is with her so i remember not to call him.We wete caught at one point and she told him to change his phone number etc which he did.I still contact him though but he wont call me as she checks his bill.Social media is how he contacts me.She made him delete the apps from his phone but he re installs them to contact me.Then deletes when he is at her place.We love each other but he also loves her still.I will bide my time to get what i want.Wrong yes but feelings have taken over.

    • Chevalier

      I wouldn’t bother with a guy that wants to hide me. I also wouldn;t bother telling him how to act so as to look like he’s in love with me… delete the apps? Crazy.

  • Pablo Nicolas Fernandez

    I was played by girl that had a boyfriend, cheated on him with me and she acted like she was in love and both developed feelings for each other, we were planning on being together, known her as a friend for 2 and a half years (never met the boyfriend) so after like 2 and a half months of seeing each other I told her to make a decision, she got offended and shit went downhill after that. I know I should probably let it go but Im really close to sending his boyfriend all the conversations I had with her, and the pictures she sent me so that he knows the piece of shit he is dealing with. Would this be a good way to give it closure with a bang lol or should I just let it go, Im quite on the ledge here

  • Alejandra

    I’ve always been an overachiever… So, in comparison, here’s my story: I’ve moved to another country last year, at first I was staying at my best friend’s house but eventually I had to move to my own place. (Let’s make clear the fact that I sorta had a boyfriend back home, we broke up and got back together as soon as I got to my new “home” and were in long-distance relationship), so I met this new guy here… he’s awesome, we both have an amazing time together and, he also has a girlfriend back home… So I thought: THIS IS JUST FOR FUN. When the time to move from my friend’s house came, he also had to move from his place, so we rented a place for the two of us (at first it was an ugly room on a department we shared with 8 other people, then we got ourselves a beautiful department). Time passed and my bf and I broke up. The guy I live with constantly tells me how crappy his relationship is and how he only cares about what we have here, cause I know his struggle and we have shared a lot of hard and good times being strangers in this other culture. Lately I’ve been feeling really attached to him, he has pointed out he gets jealous when I speak with other boys, and all… We have a crazy sex life, it is mind blowing. But he stills talks with his girl back home, he even post pictures on instagram as a constant reminder for her. I dont know what the fuck I should do at this point. I feel pathetic. Please help.

  • Belinda

    He was my ex we are back together but he has someone else in his life what should I do pls?

  • Christina Pena

    I’m sorry but I don’t feel bad for any of the “other woman” posting here. These men have girlfriends and what right do u ha even to step in and ruin a relationship? What if you were the gf and ur boyfriend was out cheating on you.
    You all get what u deserve; nothing.

    • Jaynie Darby

      Really rude, it is also the man’s fault. If he is letting it happen to his so-called-serious-girlfriend, he shouldn’t get anything either. It is never completely the other woman’s fault, and I say that because once I was the “main woman” and I blamed the end of the relationship on the other woman.

    • Chevalier

      It takes two to tango. The other woman is not the one ruining the relationship. It’s the guy that doesn;t care about it. There is no substance to the relationship and there will not be by people making rules and asking him to change numbers. He will just find another one to do the same thing with. Face it, he is just not that much in to you…

  • badgirl

    my boyfriend has a gf but we fall in love this year, although i know my bf has a gf but I love my bf so muchand my bf love me too… i do not know that why my bf will love 2 girls in the same time, my bf will tell me everything…should i continue with my bf?

  • El

    I have been the other girl before and it is absolutely horrible, i was on and off with my boyfriend for the past four years to only just find out his been seeing another girl, then coming home to me. It made me feel sick and now I cannot stop thinking about it and thinking where I went wrong, it constantly felt like my fault. It’s been a month and all i can do is think about what he done to me, he would text me saying he had shit to sort out and all this bollocks, fair play the girl might have liked him but she knew we were together, she saw us together loads, everyone knew we were together. So why the f*ck did she even start talking to him. So here is so advice stay away from people’s boyfriend because it breaks the other girls heart.

  • Red Rose

    I’m in a flirtationship with a guy that has a gf. He says things are rough, they are constantly on the verge of breaking up. I think about how terrible I am all the time for doing this to this poor girl. The feelings are real but our relationship is a ghost of something I deserve with someone deserving of my time and affection. He’s so loveable and the thought of being caught is so exciting/hot. But it’s honestly not real. I have to end things. Thanks For The Wake up call.

  • Noelle

    Thank you for this article. I was in an almost identical situation and I’m glad it’s over but also glad that I’m not alone. You also had some great insight.

    • Maame Esi Bella

      Hmmmm I am also in a similar situation right now and I don’t know what to do…..I love this guy and he tells me he does to but I feel bad for being a side chick and and also for helping him cheat on her girlfriend… please tell me what to do…I need your help

  • noir10

    This article perfectly pertains to my current situation. I’m just glad I didn’t develop many feelings for him.