What To Do If You Hook Up With Your Friend’s Crush

Dear Heather,

A few days ago, I lost my virginity to my best friend’s crush. She really likes him and I feel like an awful friend. Me and him were hanging out with a group of mutual friends when it happened. We were drinking, and I started talking to a friend about some pretty sad stuff I had gone through a few months before. I started to get really sad, and when my friend’s crush started flirting with me, I just went along with it.

The worst part is that I initiated it. I told him I was ready to lose my virginity. He asked if I was sure a bunch of times and I said yes. And it was actually amazing – it didn’t hurt, it felt good, and I had so much fun. Afterwards, we fell asleep cuddling. I can’t lie, I’m really glad my first time was with him, because a lot of people have bad experiences.

I know him and my BFF aren’t together, but I still feel so guilty because she likes him so much. I don’t want her to hate me. We decided to keep it a secret so she wouldn’t get hurt. We both agreed it was a one-time thing. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my best friend, but I feel so bad. Please help me.

I’m not going to lie to you: hooking up with your best friend’s crush wasn’t a nice thing to do. You did something knowing the whole time that it would hurt her, and now you’re keeping it a secret from her. I know you feel really guilty, and I’m not saying you’re a bad person. We all make mistakes. But this isn’t fair for your friend, and I think you owe her the truth… and an apology.

I understand that you don’t want to tell your BFF because you don’t want to lose her. And while it’s very possible that you might lose her if you come clean, it’s also way more possible that you will definitely lose her if she finds out you lied about this. Telling her the truth yourself and giving her a genuine apology shows much more respect for her than never telling her at all. Being honest shows that you’re taking accountability for your actions, which in turn shows that you care, and that you know you did something wrong. It will also probably help you feel a little less guilty.

This won’t be an easy conversation, as I’m sure you know. But imagine your BFF finding out about this on her own, and also realizing that you’ve been lying to her for however long. What do you think her reaction will be? She won’t only be angry at you for losing your virginity to her crush, she’ll be furious that you lied for so long. She’ll be hurt, confused, embarrassed, and completely betrayed. She’s way more likely to never forgive you in that scenario. If you come clean on your own, things might have a better outcome.

Tell her the truth (without telling her how great the sex was), apologize profusely, and let her know how much you love and care about her. Give her time and space to get over this. Show her that you want to still be friends. If you do all of that, you have a much better chance at keeping her as your best friend.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com


What to do if you have an embarrassing hookup

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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