So, one of my boyfriends best friends in the entire world is his ex-girlfriend. They recently got close because they work at the same job. At first, I didn’t have a problem with this because he told me she has a serious girlfriend (she’s bisexual). But they recently broke up, and she’s gone back to hooking up with guys. I still don’t really have a problem with it, but now her and my boyfriend spent a lot more time together. He spends more time with her than me, and it really hurts my feelings.
Sometimes I even get wrapped up in thinking that maybe they’re starting to have feelings for each other again, and maybe he’s cheating on me. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him, but for some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve talked to him about how I want him to spend more time with me, since he only sees me once a week and her and his other friends multiple times, but nothing has changed. I just don’t know what I should do anymore. Any ideas?
Honestly, I don’t blame you for feeling confused and upset about this. It can be hard enough to deal with your boyfriend having a girl BFF… but when that BFF is also his ex, things get even more complicated. It’s understandable for you to feel a little uncomfortable with this situation, but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing you can do to try to make things better.
First, you need to talk to your boyfriend. Every relationship is different, and there is no specified amount of time a couple has to hang out together. But if you’re unhappy with the amount of time you two are seeing each other, you need to talk about it again. You should both have your own friends and lives, but your BF should still be working on making time for you.
The next time you guys are alone, calmly approach him about this to have a serious conversation about everything that’s been bugging you. Let him know that you’re okay with him being close with his ex (if you really are), but you feel like he puts her before you too often. Explain that you like spending time with him, and it hurts your feelings when he doesn’t make an effort to see you more often, and instead spends that time with his ex. Try to compromise, if possible: figure out which days work best for both of you to hang out, and maybe make a little schedule.
Have you tried becoming friends with his ex also? Maybe you could hang out with them and his other friends sometimes. Try being friends with his ex to get to know her more and give her a chance.
The other issue here seems to be trust. You’re saying you’re okay with them being so close, but it doesn’t really seem like you are… and that’s okay! But you need to admit that to yourself and your BF. You also need to seriously think about the trust you have in him. If you’re going to trust him, commit to that. If you’re not, it’s something you need to talk to him about.
If nothing gets accomplished from talking to your boyfriend, maybe you need to reevaluate this relationship. It’s not fair for him to put an ex-girlfriend before a current girlfriend – that shows that there may still be unresolved feelings there. If he’s not willing to put aside more time for you, or to try to work things out, maybe he’s not taking your relationship seriously enough. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re second best – remember that.
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org