What Should You Do If You Think Your Sister or Friend Is Acting Like A Slut?

Hi Heather,

Okay, I admit it, I read my big sister’s diary. But only for a good reason – I wanted to see what she was up to because she’s always out and doesn’t tell me anything! What I found out is that she’s been acting like a slut. I found out that she’s been drinking and going to parties. She had a boyfriend and they had sex. I kept reading her diary and found out that she also had sex with five other guys who are her friends! She even dirty talked with some other guy! I’m starting to get worried about her. Please tell me how I can stop her from being a slut without letting her know that I read her diary. Thanks 🙂

Before we go any further, I need to say something: we don’t believe in the word “slut” here at Gurl. Having sex doesn’t make a girl a slut, regardless of the number of people she’s had sex with. It’s not fair of you to say that your sister has been acting like a slut just because she’s hooked up with a few people – in fact, it’s not just unfair, it’s also pretty mean. Remove that word from your vocabulary, and – there! Now we can chat.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it: reading your sister’s diary was pretty messed up. A diary is a really, really private thing. It was wrong of you to invade your sister’s privacy simply because you wanted to see what she’s been up to. If you really wanted to know what she’s been doing, you should have asked her. And if she didn’t want to tell you, that’s her right. She doesn’t have to spill on the intimate details of her life just because you want to know about them. I understand that it’s frustrating to feel like you’re left out of what she’s doing, but it’s her life, and she doesn’t have to tell you everything if she doesn’t want to.

I can also understand why you’re concerned about her. It sounds like your sister is in the middle of growing up, and she’s probably changing a lot – maybe she’s even been distancing herself from you. I get that you want to make sure she’s okay. I don’t know your sister, but the truth is, she’s probably fine. It seems like your sister is trying to figure things out, and people do that by experimenting with new things. Your sister is allowed to have sex with different guys while she explores her sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with that! And while it’s illegal for her to be drinking alcohol if she’s underage, partying is also a normal part of growing up.

The bottom line is this: this is your sister’s life, and she’s allowed to do what she wants. It’s her business, not yours. Not only can you not tell her to stop being a slut without revealing that you read her diary, but you can’t say it at all because it’s not your choice to make. This goes for a friend who may end up doing this as well. Try not to judge your sister for what she is doing, even if it’s foreign to you. Instead, if you’re worried, focus on staying close to her by trying to have open communication. Ask her to hang out and do sister things together, like get ice cream or watch a movie. But you need to realize that your sister needs room to grow, without you invading her privacy. If things seem to get very out of control (like if she starts doing drugs or something like that), you can speak up. Until then, let her live!

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

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  • Tara

    I find it really crazy that the people in the comments are giving better advice than the writer at gurl.com. I seriously think that someone should rewrite this answer because this one is actually disgusting. You are basically telling this person that underage drinking and being promiscuous is okay because she is ‘discovering herself’
    I know how you feel and if you think that your sister is on a destructive path then you should really talk to a parent or trusted adult about it or she could carry on in this downward spiral.

  • BNR

    Wow this is horrible advice. I totally understand that slut shaming is not okay, but to completely dismiss this girl’s concern is a little ridiculous. There is such a thing as being too PC. If these two girls are still living together, then it’s probably likely that one is underage. So first of all, she should be worried that her sister is out drinking and partying. Maybe her sister is responsible enough to handle herself, maybe she isn’t. You don’t know enough of the details so discount that. So I would have AT LEAST said that if this girl’s sister is exhibiting other behavior like lying to her parents regularly, etc she should intervene. And you say nothing about the fact that it’s ok to experiment IF you are taking necessary safety precautions like using protection, only sleeping with people you trust, getting screened for STDs if necessary. When you’re just dishing out advice on the internet, you should take your job a little more seriously than just giving out the packaged statement about not slut-shaming and not reading people’s diaries. Someone asks you for advice about a subject that is clearly causing them duress and you just turn around and tell her everything that’s wrong with her.

  • Jenna

    That was really not right at all. First you read her diary, then you slut-shame her, and you put it out on the internet and publicly humiliated her under the guise of “caring”. What a bitch!

  • szeya

    ” I need to say something: we don’t believe in the word “slut” here. Having sex doesn’t make a girl a slut, regardless of the number of people she’s had sex with”

    In fact it makes her unreliable and unfaithful, not a good candidate for a long-term relationship and also not suitable for marriage.

    ” Your sister is allowed to have sex with different guys while she explores her sexuality.”

    Normally they would become pregnant the first time without all these contraceptive nowadays, which makes the sexual life of women very confusing and ill and this would get them a child in the first place. And should you not be married when having a child?

    Also try to feel how it would be like the sister would be a girlfriend or a wife in every example, sounds reliable and faithful, right?

    I mean… “It’s not fair of you to say that your sister(girlfriend/wife) has been acting like a slut just because she’s hooked up with a few people.”

    Is that so?

  • Titanium

    First of all, I have no idea how everyone decided that this girl’s sister is supposedly underage. I think Heather’s advice was perfect! She is right to emphasis that slut is not an acceptable word that can be used to refer to girls who have plenty of sex. The girl who read her sister’s diary does not say if her sister had sex with 5 different people in a single day or in five years. Who are we to judge? Heather is perfectly right! The girl did not have the right to read her ELDER sister’s diary. I wish all of you reading this would get the picture.

  • Lil-b

    Was there any mention of how old this girl is? I feel like saying that a 15-17 year old should sleep with whoever she wants is going too far. At that age you don’t know who you are or what you want and sleeping around isn’t the way to “discover yourself”. Honestly, Gurl, I thought you were better than saying underage girls shouldn’t have boundaries when it comes to sex and partying. This is setting a REALLY bad example.

    • Foreverawesome

      It’s good to have boundaries, but her life is her decision. You should not shame her for her life choices, because they are HER life choices. We don’t know how old she is, but if she wants to do these things, it’s HER choice.

  • Jordan

    Bad decisions can ruin a person’s life. Interfere if you feel the need.

  • Olivia

    First of all, go Heather!!!!! I love what you said about not believing in the word ‘slut.’

    I would say the best thing to do is let your sister make her own decisions, and be there to listen to her. Let her know that you love her. Friends can be a lot more judgemental than family sometimes, and if her friends leave her because of her choices, make sure that she knows you are there for her.
    Otherwise, stay out of your sisters diary. Everyone has their demons darling, and we keep them locked up for a reason.

  • natalya

    I think the girl was just worried that her sister was making bad choices and would do things she would regret. She was probably scared for her sister and was worried. Also her sister was drinking which I’m thinking is not the best thing especially if her sister is underage. And if her sister was sleeping with those other guys while she had a boyfriend, I can see why she would be upset. I can understand how this girl would feel like what her sister was doing was wrong.

  • ashia

    i feel like this article wasn’t really helpful. sometimes i think the writers on gurl.com get so caught up in their beliefs that they start being close minded with them. You don’t know if the way Heather’s sister is being raunchy is at the “it’s okay level” or the “whoa she is going overboard level”. i understand advising Heather to leave her sister’s decisions alone,but i imagine this girl is close to her sister in the way that im close to mine and when you have that relationship, you don’t just leave them alone. Whenever my sis get’s into business that worries me, if i show that im not going to judge her for her choices (cuz hey i ‘d probably make them too) and just want to make sure that she has a grip on reality,she opens up to me.:) the desire to sleep with alot of guys and get intoxicated is cool with me ,but lacking in the will power to hold back from some opportunities to do so is what i have no respect for. Her sis sounds like a horny teen that need to learn to hold back.

    • Holz

      couldnt agree more

  • Adam

    This is great advice to me! Having sex is perfectly normal and our natural way of life. We need to move past seeing sex as taboo and slut shaming. As long as women continue to call each other sluts, men will continue to call women sluts and treat them like one. We don’t know this person’s sister, so we cannot assume she’s having unprotected sex and we cannot prove that she is consuming alcohol underage. However, if she is, it isn’t your job to consult her, but it is her parents and if necessary, the law. No woman to be called a slut, no matter her actions.

  • Tianna

    I thought it was also bad advice!! Sure you shouldn’t have read her diary but your sister is acting out and you should talk to her or your parents properly. Experimenting is a great part of growing up but not with too many guys and not like that.

  • Jade

    Okay, i agree, The advice wasnt the best, but what else should Heather had said? ” Go tell your parents on your sister “? It will unfold in time. Best wishes, Me.

  • alexa

    I personally think this was terrible advice! While I agree invading privacy is a little out of hand it’s also a part of growing up. She’s just looking out for her sister to help prevent her from contracting STDs or having an unwanted pregnancy. I think western society is way too sensitive and the word slut, in fact, does mean promiscuous- though I respect your decision not to use the word.

  • Abby

    Technically, alcohol is a drug and can really mess you up (especially when it’s not yet legal for you to drink!). While partying and all that may seem like a normal thing to do while growing up, a lot of teenagers don’t. Don’t ‘sugar coat’ her sister’s actions as the norm. While she’s allowed to live her life the way she wants, her little sister shouldn’t be told that it’s ok and that she could follow in her footsteps because it is the normal part of growing up. Maybe it wasn’t right of her to read her sister’s diary, but your ending saying that to only take action if she begins to take drugs (or something if that nature) would probably only be found out if she once again read her diary. Please try to revise this.

    • Jessica Booth

      There is no advice here saying that she should follow in her sister’s footsteps. And it IS okay for her sister to experiment sexually.

      • Tianna

        She should not be experimenting to that extent, I think she is taking it a bit too far…

        • Liz

          “She should not be experimenting to that extent”
          Her sister is the only judge here, she alone can decide what’s “too far” in that matter. Even if you personally wouldn’t do it, it’s your opinion, not hers. Personally, I think experience in sex is always good, as long as she takes all the necessary precautions and doesn’t break anyone’s heart.
          My advice to Heather would be to explain to her sister that she is worried about her distancing herself.

  • Ali

    Please don’t listen to this advice. Although it might be wrong to refer to your sister as a slut or read her diary, the fact that she is underaged and drinking/sleeping around just isn’t really okay for her.

    • Jessica Booth

      Actually, it’s her decision to sleep with whoever she wants. It’s not up to you to say it’s not okay.