What To Do When You Want A Relationship, But He Doesn’t

Hi Heather,

Well, I need advice on love. I’m so confused. I like this guy I work with, we have gone on a few dates, he has met my family, and we’ve even had sex! I have told him that I like him, and he says he likes me too, but… he does not want a serious relationship anytime soon because he just got out of one. It has been a few months since we had that conversation, and I feel like I’ve reached a dead end. I don’t know what to do, because I feel like if we keep doing this, he’s going to get comfortable and never want to date me. And I want a relationship! What do I do? Please help.

When two people aren’t on the same page, relationships become hard – sometimes even impossible – to deal with. You did the right thing by being open and honest about your feelings from the beginning, and it’s great that he was honest with you also. However, it sounds like you both need to be having another conversation like this very soon. You’re right: you can’t continue to casually date him like this if you don’t know where things are going.

The next time you’re hanging out with him, bring up the fact that you need to talk. Doing this in person is best because if he’s already with you at that moment, he can’t avoid the conversation. Be completely honest with him: tell him you really like him, and you’re at a point where you want to be in a relationship. Then ask him what he wants. If he still says that he’s not ready for anything serious, then you need to cut him loose and move on.

I don’t know this guy, so I don’t know what’s going on in his head. But what I do know is this: typically, if a guy really likes you, nothing will stop him from dating you, even the fact that he recently got out of a long relationship. If he says he doesn’t want anything serious, it’s because he doesn’t! He wants to do whatever he wants without being tied down. Right now, he’s having his cake and eating it too: he gets to hang out with you, and experience some of the perks of having a girlfriend, without actually having to act like a boyfriend. That’s a pretty great situation for him, but for you? Not so much. 

Basically, this relationship isn’t fair for you, and it can’t continue this way. If it’s been a while since his last relationship ended, and he’s still insisting he doesn’t want anything serious, then consider him a lost cause. He isn’t going to commit to you anytime soon. If he tells you that, end things immediately. I know it hurts, but one of two things will happen: either he’ll realize he wants you in his life and come back, or you’ll move on and meet someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Either way, things will eventually be better for you.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com


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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Shae Maree

    He obviously just wants to be friends with benefits, I’m sort of in the same position except he likes me and just says he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment but still wants to do stuff, boys are confusing

  • cristal

    hi I need help with something that’s really bothering me I met this guy at work and we started hanging out and I told him if he wanted to be a little more than friends he said yes but that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he got out of one that hurt him he said we could be more than friends and I would long with it but it seemed that that was all he wanted we did have sex and we acted like we were going out in the beginning he told me he was not a jealous person and I do admit my personality is very flirtatious one day we were hanging out with our friends and he said I was flirting with one of my friends which I wasn’tbut he said he didn’t want to ever be in a relationship even though we weren’t in one but he told me he just wanted me as a friend it broke my heart because I gave him everything I could to make him like me and he just wants to be friends it really hurt me and I told him I would wait for him tell he likes me so we could go out .he said it would never happen I don’t know what to do if I really messed up. Should I wait he says he like me more then friends so that gives me hope I don’t know what to do please help
    oh and sorry about my typing im doing this on my phone

  • sandy

    I am in a same situation. I like this guy very much. I have told him that. He says he likes me too. But he doesn’t believe in commitments. When I denied physical intimacy with him, he respected my decision and wants us to remain as at-least friends. But to me, I like him so much that its getting difficult to just stay as friends.

  • victoria

    I think the same advice would apply. Its best to be honest with the guy. Tell him you’re only interested in friendship and not a relationship. If he’s a true friend he would respect that. Its no need to mislead anyone just to protect their feelings.

  • Kayla

    I feel like the advice given is always what to do when you want a relationship but he doesn’t, but there isn’t enough advice on the reverse situation. It was be nice to get some advice on what to do if he wants a relationship but you don’t