From The Message Boards: How Do I Tell My Friend She’s A Slut?

I’ve been called a slut before. It happened almost immediately after losing my virginity. One of my “friends” thought that my deflowering (ew) automatically made me a “huge whore.” We’re not friends anymore.

So how do you tell your friend she’s a slut? That’s what you’re talking about on the message boards this week. Let’s see what y’all had to say and then we can talk about it:

Slimz asked:
“This problem is LOL and serious at the same time! My friend who just turned 18 has had sex with more people than my 43 year old hair dresser! People talk crap about her all the time! Especially to me. I mean of course I defend her, being that’s one of my best friends, but oh man, I would be lying if I said I didn’t agree with some of the things they are saying! I really don’t know why she has such a hard time keeping her legs closed. I keep telling her it’s not that hard, I’ve been doing it for 18 years now. I guess everyone is different! But yea I’ve kinda hinted stuff like that, but I haven’t just said it straight to her face! I don’t wanna be a jerk, but what else am I supposed to do? I also think talking to her won’t change anything. I honestly think she’s a natural born whore! No joke. I even kinda sorta told her I think that. She got a little offended, but after I said some of the things she’s done, she shut up real fast. Anyways, how do I tell my friend she’s becoming sluttier by the week? Help!”

OmgItsRira said:
“Honestly, whatever she does with her sex life is her business, but you could start by telling her that she probably could look for better, more respectful partners than what she has now, especially if she doesn’t wasn’t her business out in the open.

Or, you could ask her why she’s having so many sexual partners (don’t call her a slut though, it’s labeled in the dictionary as offensive for a reason.) Maybe she’s using sex to suppress something, or she could simply just have turned into a nymphomaniac. You never really know.lucidkitty said:
“Her body, her rules.”

MatildaLove said:
“Talk to your friend. Tell her that you care about her and that she has earned a bad reputation. Maybe also talk to her about why she is so quick to jump into sex with men. See if there is something else going on, (is she looking for acceptance, love, or just a good time?). Her sex life is her business, but friendship also means that you sometimes have to hand out the hard truths: she’s earning a bad reputation and if she isn’t careful she could end up with an STD or STI.”

flamingoccm said:
“You don’t. You don’t ever call your FRIEND a slut. It goes to this quote that seems to be coming up a lot lately, to the effect of: I don’t want to know what they’re saying about me. I want to know why they feel comfortable saying those things to you.

Have you asked her? Have you honestly taken the time to stop being a judgmental prick and asked her why she’s doing what she’s doing? I mean, congrats on being the most virginal virgin to grace the world, but I don’t understand where you get off shaming this girl who is someone who you keep referring to as a friend. You may think that she’s a friend to you, but you’re being anything but a friend to her. There are any number of explanations for “hypersexuality,” which range anywhere from a history of sexual abuse to mental health conditions (such as bipolar disorder) to simply a high libido. Frankly, though, nothing about her sex life is your business.”

illusione said:
“You can’t tell your friend she’s a slut. Friends don’t say things like that. Is her behavior hurting people? Is she taking unnecessary risks? Is it making her unhappy? If not, then it’s really not your place to judge what she wants to do with her body. People can say whatever they like but that doesn’t mean it’s worth listening to, and as her friend you should support her regardless. If she is then talk to her about that, tell her what’s worrying you and why. But listen to her. Don’t judge her. There’s really no inherent virtue to keeping your legs closed.”

Here’s how to tell you’re friend she’s a slut: YOU DON’T.

It’s really that simple. You actually don’t call anyone a slut because it’s rude, offensive and mean. Let me tell you a little secret: no one’s sex life is anyone else’s business. The fact that your friend has slept with however many people is not your business. The fact that you are a virgin is not anyone’s business.

Just because you don’t agree with your friend’s sexual choices does not give you the right to tell her she’s a slut and tell her that she should “keep her legs closed.” That’s not being a good friend. A good friend does not pass judgement on their friends. A good friend is supportive and doesn’t call their friend a slut.

If you want to be a good friend, let her know that you’re there for her, that you don’t judge her and that you hope she’s being safe. That’s really the only concern you should have here because everyone should be having safe sex regardless of how much sex they’re having.
 
What do you think? Is it okay to call your friend a slut? Should you? Tell us in the comments!
 

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  • Julia

    It is very sexist because guys aren’t ever called whores of sluts and it is totally her buisiness if someone wants to be judgemental screw them.

  • Sara

    Does your friend’s sex life have ANYTHING to do with you? Does anybody’s else’s sex life who isn’t your partner’s have anything to do with you? Absolutely not. Stop judging people for something you have nothing to with.

    Also, if the tables were turned and these were men we were talking about, this wouldn’t even be a question. Delete this dumb, misogynistic article because this shouldn’t even be a question.

  • Cherrybombgal

    What’s worse is that more than half of these shameless bitches don’t even know where slut shaming comes from. Slut shaming was a tactic used by men in early Christian times to remind women that they *were NOT considered human*, therefore weren’t equal. It’s truly disappointing to see my fellow sister participating in such a sexist, misogynistic trend.

  • Taylor

    Who the hell calls their friend a slut!? This is just terrible, you shouldn’t shame your friend because she wants to do what she wants with her body. That’s HER CHOICE and no one else’s! You are definitely not a real friend if you call your friend a slut…. As a friend you should only help her if she’s in danger. Other than that, it’s none of your buisness

  • Sophia

    lol if you think someone’s a slut you need to quit being jealous and concerned with others’ sex lives. it has nothing to do with you and calling someone a slut shows you have internalized misogyny and shitty friendship skills.

  • Gicelle

    Hey, I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s normal to worry about a friend, and usually promiscuity does point to something deeper. It’s just really risky behavior-I just think you should be sensitive about how you talk to her about it. Just say that you’re concerned, and that you love her, and think she deserves a great relationship, and you’re there for you. Just don’t use the word slut, because that might cause her to shut down. If it’s bothering/affecting you, then you have the right to say something.

  • Artemis95

    Is her behavior wrong? In my opinion, yes. You may even want to talk to her about it to make sure everything is OK. But you just don’t call anybody a slut. She’s your friend, so you probably know more about what is going on than most people, but you don’t know everything. And those people spreading rumors know even less. On my floor in my dorm right now, the two girls who get called sluts most are myself and one of my good friends. And having people look down on you that way really hurts. Especially considering how many men we’ve both been with. 10? 25? 50? Actually, we’re both virgins waiting until marriage. At 18, the one and only time I’ve even been kissed was 5 years ago. So I highly recommend you stop thinking of her as a slut and start remembering you’re supposed to be her friend. And if you’re going to keep being her friend, that means supporting her.

  • Lauren

    Maybe if we stopped saying that slut shaming was bad, we’d have less teen pregnancy and STDs floating around! Tell the girl she’s a slut! You shouldn’t be having sex outside of marriage in the first place, and if you are, you DEFINITELY should not be having sex outside of a committed relationship. It’s not only unhealthy physically but also mentally. And if we, as a society, stopped telling people it was okay, we’d have more stable family structures, few teen pregnancies, and we’d be able to drastically lower the number of STD cases.

    • moondrawn

      actually, the same cultural issues that lead to slut-shaming can also be blamed for high teen pregnancy rates and STDs. the fact that girls are conditioned to view sex as a shameful thing is a huge reason why they are afraid to seek out sexual counseling, protection, birth control, etc.

      making people believe sex is wrong or only acceptable in certain ways does not prevent STDs and teen pregnancy. lack of comprehensive sex education does.

    • Sophia

      hahaha wow

  • Maren

    It’s okay to be worried about your friend if the cause of your worry is the fear that she might get hurt, get an STD or STI, or get pregnant. It’s NOT okay to call her a slut, because she’s not one. So long as she’s having safe, consensual sex, it really shouldn’t be a problem. It’s her life, her body, her choices. If you’re worried that the “reputation” she’s earning will hurt her in any way, don’t ADD to the rumors by agreeing with it, stand BY her and defend her! Really, she’ll be more hurt and offended if she hears that you, her friend, think she’s a slut than if she hears it from somebody she doesn’t know on the street one day. So just be a good friend and support her, stand up for her, and please just stop using the word “slut” in general.

  • Sophie

    Seriously I agree with all the comments in this article. If she got judged for being a virgin then I’m pretty sure she would feel bad.

  • Yoona

    Sure “her sex life is nobodies business. But what that girl is doing is REALLY WRONG. With so many sex partners she can get pregnant or get STD’s. Seriously! Now society is making sluts acceptable! Let’s make rape acceptable next!

    • Kirsten

      SERIOUSLY? You think the next step after allowing a girl to have consensual sex with more than one person is allowing RAPE? Rape is a horrifically violent crime, including to my own mother. How DARE you compare that to my consensual sex life!

    • Ellie5849

      Women should be building each other up and standing up for each other instead of tearing each other down based merely upon their sexual history. If people made fun of you or judged you mostly because if you were still a virgin, would that bother you? That people you don’t know care so much about how many people you have or have not slept with? And keep judging you for it instead of mainly for your personality, or your creativity, or your independence, or your inner strength, or your amazing talented singing voice, or your sense of humor, or your etc..
      Just because someone is sexually active does not mean that they automatically aren’t responsible and that they don’t use protection. Just because someone isn’t sexually active does not mean that they are automatically stuck-up, a prude, or not open-minded, or stubborn, or boring, or have no guys liking them, or have never dated anyone.
      If anything, I think less of people who call other people “sluts.” It shows that these people are very immature, shallow, gullible enough to turn against their own friends, not able to think for themselves instead of what they are told,
      People call each other “sluts” to make themselves feel more secure, like themselves more(, because they feel either jealous that guys aren’t giving them more attention or they are very shallow(good,and intelligent people always view others more for than just being a sexual object, & you don’t have to sleep with lots of guys in order for them to like you. The good guys out there will respect and accept you for YOU-your personality, your looks, etc.). Some guys care more about their possible future girlfriend’s sexual past than others-some don’t really care, some won’t go out with girls who have more of a sex history than the guy, while others will date girls who are virgins or haven’t done many physical things with guys. If a guy can’t get past how many people you have or have not slept with, then he isn’t a very good catch for you. Trust is the most important thing. The past is in the past. Or if people think someone is a “slut” or not, & the guy just bases his opinion of the person according to THAT, then the guy has no capacity to get to know someone else, over time, to get his OWN opinion of the person himself, not just what other people may say or think about the person. He is shallow, if he actually has never spoken to the person at all before to even form his own opinion of the person. Then the guy has no backbone or the ability to think for himself. Would you want to date a guy who just goes with whatever his friends are saying or other people are doing all the time?
      Plus, what happens when you date more guys than a friend of yours has dated or has slept with? Would you be fine with your friend calling you “a slut” because your sex or guy history isn’t the same as hers-if your sex history was more than hers?
      I don’t care about someone’s sexual past unless I am currently dating the person.
      Who cares how many people your hair dresser has slept with? Why is it your business? Why do you care? You shouldn’t be keeping score of how many people each person you meet has ever slept with-that is REALLY none of your business.
      If your friend’s sex life really bothers you(though I don’t understand how it would, since you are still her friend, and friends don’t easily give up on their friends), then maybe sit down with her privately, and ask her, “Why?” And maybe she likes sex. It’s not the end of the world. Plus some people might lie about how many people they’ve slept with-I’m sure some guys probably do it, say in front of their guy friends how many people they’ve slept with(even though they’re lying), just to “seem cool” or have their guy friends look up to them.
      Yoona: I don’t see how you can comment on someone’s sex history and somehow bring up rape right after. They are 2 VERY different things. Consentual sex isn’t a crime-rape is a crime. Rape is never acceptable-it’s a violation of someone’s privacy and of someone’s freedom physically. Slut shaming is a psychological violation-of someone’s perceived privacy(personal sex life/history) and of the person’s freedom to live how they choose to live(as long as the person obeys the laws).
      Why do you care so much about anyone’s sex history? Unless you are actually dating someone or actually sleeping with someone? Calling anyone a “slut” does not automatically make you a “better” or more “intelligent” or more “innocent” person than the person that is called a “slut”. It just makes you look like you are a mean and a very judgmental, insecure, and nosy person.

    • moondrawn

      actually, the whole “slut” myth is a huge contributing factor to rape culture. many people blame rape victims by accusing them of “sluttyness”.

      the word “slut” is sexist, demeaning and we just shouldn’t be calling anyone by it.

    • Really

      I agree, what she’s doing is horrible! Having consensual sex in which both partners are satisfied is WRONG. The fact that SHE is rash enough to STILL have sex while others rightously pry and disect into her private life, not to mention the fact that they graciously offer their help to her sick problem by calling her a SLUT (bless the strong virtue and morality of these people) it’s maddening! In this day and age, we must stick to the pure image of WOMEN! SLUTS are women who destroy our primary goal which is to LOOK and ACT presentable to the other sex! Women should NOT and I mean NOT be able to do as they please, ESPECIALLY when it comes to things as private as their sex life.

      She’s harming others around her, as you’ve mentioned, she can get pregnant and if a SLUT procreates, we all know what happens if its female! RESTRAIN WOMEN who are too SEXUALLY ACTIVE! If we control women- there will be less sluts!

      -STD’s are an honest danger. That’s one thing she really must look out for to ensure her general health and her partners health as well. – Stay safe!

  • denise

    you shouldnt call anyone a slut or think of anyone as a slut a woman has the right to do whatever she wants to. there shouldnt be a problem unless shes in danger. as long as its safe consensual sex its fine. as a friend you shouldnt be judging what shes doing its her body and her life, if thats what she wants to do let her dont say shes a born whore thats pretty awful to say about a best friend. seriously.