My Older Teacher Is Flirting With Me – Should I Go For It?

Dear Heather,

I recently started attending a dance class. After my first lesson, my teacher (who is really hot) added me on Facebook. Soon after, he started messaging me. Now we always have these flirty conversations online and he sends me kiss-face smileys all the time. Once he even told me he liked the shorts I was wearing. I’m 15-years-old and I think he’s about 25. Now he wants to meet up to hang out… I think it’s pretty weird, but I like him and he’s cute. I don’t know what to do because I don’t understand what he wants from me. Should I go for it or not? Help please!

Girl. You DEFINITELY should not go for it. I cannot stress that enough right now. This guy is about 10 years older than you. Not only is his flirting with you creepy, weird and shady, it’s also illegal. A 25-year-old man having sex with a 15-year-old girl is considered statutory rape.

I know that getting the attention of an older guy, especially one who is cute and also a figure of authority, is very flattering, but in this situation, it’s just not acceptable. And I know that some people would probably think, “25 isn’t even that old! It’s not a big deal!” but it IS a big deal. I also know that some people would say that a 10 year age difference isn’t a big deal when it comes to love – and, yes, that’s true. It wouldn’t be a big deal if you were of legal age and a relationship between you two wasn’t considered illegal. But at the moment, it would be, so it’s not okay.

Here’s the thing: this guy is older than you, and so he knows that he is in a position to take advantage of you. He most likely sees you as a young, innocent target. He probably considers this pretty easy. The honest truth is that he’s being manipulative: he is in a position of power here and he should not be using that to try to flirt or hook up with you. What he’s doing is disgusting. He knows that he’s doing the wrong thing, but he’s doing it anyway.

There are a few other things to think about. At 25-years-old, this guy should know how to try to talk to a girl he is seriously interested in… and that way isn’t by flirting with you through Facebook messages. He has the opportunity to do this in person, so why isn’t he? I’m guessing it’s because he knows he’ll get in trouble if anyone sees him doing that and it’s also a sign he’s just looking to hook up.

That also makes me wonder if he’s doing this to other girls in your class. If he acts normally around you in person, it could be because he’s flirting with other girls as well and doesn’t want anyone to find out what he’s doing. Either way, he’s being secretive and shady and it’s not cool.

What I’m basically trying to say is this: stop talking to this guy through Facebook. Stop flirting with him. He’s your teacher and the fact that he’s trying to be anything else means he’s abusing his position. He can get fired for flirting with you and if anything sexual happened between you two, he could get arrested. It sounds like he is trying to take advantage of you and this situation, and that is NOT someone you want to be involved with. If a few years pass and you’re both still interested, go for it. But as of right now, take my word for it: this guy is a creep and he’s not someone you want to date.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

Is THIS how a statutory rapist should be punished?

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • where is she now??????

    hey im chill with age gaps and all but i am NOT OK with how inexperienced and young she is. i know age doesnt equal emotional maturity and i have no idea about her past but i do agree with the writer about there being a possibility of manipulation. but that can be said to any relationship where one has more power in the relationship than their partner, like where one of them has a lower self esteem.

    I’m fifteen myself and i’ll admit this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. reading the comments make me cringe. i also realize that this post is 2 years old but i’d like to add my input.

    call me old-fashioned but she’s too young to be in a relationship. she’s in the age of hormonal activity and puberty, all kinds of things are going through her head. relations often escalate sexually and if she were to want it to slow down would she be able to? the answer would depend completely on the guy. he would be completely in power. it’s difficult to advise her because we have no idea about this guy except from what she told us. and the writer points out all the shady characteristics he holds. how is she to tell if he’s sincere? i’d rather have her fool around with an immature guy who she has a connection with than this dude. but who are we to tell if she even desires sex.

    ((for the record id b totes cool w this if she were a bit more experienced. or if she clarified what kind of relationship she wanted with this dick. ALSO god dammit the only reason im against this would b because im all for women being women and being for themselves. its cool if she wants older dudes but only when shes sure she wont b screwed over by them. LIKE SHIT THIS SCREAMS PREDATOR :(((((. i hope this bb’s safe) )

  • heather

    I would go for it if you really like him and he likes you. Explore it and most importantly talk to him. Discuss all the possible issues and work out how you both can have a relationship without creating any issues or problems and without anyone knowing. This is your life, your emotions, your affair. This is NOT for anyone else to sort out but YOU alone.
    Believe me you will get mostly negative comments because somehow when an older guy and a younger girl get involved, everyone thinks there is something devious and perverse about the relationship. Why should it be? Why cant it be normal and healthy? Is sex within such a relationship a bad thing? I dont think anyone knows but everyone will say it is terrible and give advice.
    There will also suddenly appear these do gooders who will try and brainwash you into believing you have been raped or taken advantage of and that you were manipulated. Little do they realise that by doing things like this they are implicitly making you an idiot and making you sound like someone who has no mind of your own and as someone who cannot make up their own minds. Do you feel that way at 15? I bet you don’t but everyone will try and make you feel like a little innocent flower who’s life has been destroyed by this horrible male teacher. Trust me, you will start believing that crap only to regret it later when you look back and see how manipulative those people, who were supposed to protect you, actually are. Their agenda is more important than your emotions and feelings. They have to prove that the guy is a predator and a fiend. This is what will destroy your life. Once they unleash their mayhem on you, in the name of protecting you, they will leave you to fend for yourself. You will be left with a horrible void created within your soul, your heart and emotions destroyed and depression and despondency sets in. This is not because of your relationship but because of those who pretended to protect you but would not see your relationship in a more broadminded way.
    Remember such relationships fail only because the media and society set out to destroy and vilify those in the relationsip. They make something so beautiful into something dirty and horrible.
    You need to make up your mind yourself.

    • A girl

      Wow. I know this is from a few months ago, but I really like this comment.
      It’s ridiculous how everyone tends to think that a guy who’s ten years is a perverted predator for going after a 15 year old who likes him back. Since I’m 15 and have found myself liking a guy about 9 years older, it’s unfortunate to see so many people trying to tell someone why this is so wrong.

  • georgina

    thts so cool. He prolly likes u a lot.
    I am 14 and have this huge crush on my teacher. I try so much to get his attention. We have pashed a lot, many times nd I kno he is horny. we’ve almost gone all the way but he stops nd I hate it wen he does tht. I so wanna lose my verginity to him. I kno he wanna do it too.
    I thnk if u like him go 4 it.

    • Rebecca

      Wow wow wow… I’m sorry but you’re comment AND you’re situation is totally not healthy!!! Do your parents know about this??? On this article I agree that the girl should DEFINITELY NOT go for it! I don’t care how mature you think you are but how does anyone think that this is appropriate! How come if he is so “hot and amazing” he can’t get a woman his own age? I think everyone who thinks this is a good idea should seriously rethink their thoughts and “Georgina” please talk to an adult about this, it’s totally not ok!

  • pwettyBabe

    do you think its wrong or are you okay with it. If you are okay with it then go for it. I dont think theres anything wrong with goin with a 25 yr old guy. Arent you 15? Then why are you scared? Cant you think for yourself? Why do you need someone else to make up your mind for you? Everyone will tell you he is bad and that you should not go out with him. But no one knows what your heart feels. This is your personal experience. Enjoy it. Why do you need others to spoil it? I am your age too and I have been with a couple of guys who were older than 25. It is such fun and I will never go out with a guy my age. Yes I did have a lot of sex. They wanted it and they didnt hide the act that they enjoyed it more because I was young. But I liked it too and I wanted to do it all the time. It was a very special feeling. It wasn’t ‘dirty’ and it didnt feel bad. They did not take advantage and they took utmost care not to get me in any trouble.

  • emma

    Go for it, have fun and just make sure no one finds out. Older guys are fun. They want to have sex but whats wrong with that if you want to have sex too. Older guys are tolerant, gentle, mature, patient and better at sex than a 15 yr old guy with no experience or sexual etiquette. I have been in exactly the same position and it was real fun. My guy was a few years older than your teacher friend. Nothing wrong and if you have a healthy attitude you will not only enjoy it but also not regret it. Not once was I scared or worried about anything. He took care of me and made sure I was not hurt or harmed in any way. He knew so much and the sex, the foreplay and the oral sex would just go on for hours. Unfortunately he got another job overseas teaching English as a foreign language. He was so attractive and a real gentleman. I think it is real cool that he is attracted to you.

  • alenka

    I dont know why you want to ask opinion from others. What did you think the response would be?
    If you like him and you want to go with him do it. Just becareful so you dont get him or yourself in any trouble.

    It is your life. It is for you to decide. I think asking people their opinion will only make you more confused.
    Just go for it. Do it and enjoy life. It may not last but life is not permanent. Life is about experiences. If you always ask people to decide for you, you will never get anywhere.

    Good Luck. Nothing wrong with him being 25. I have a guy who is many years older too. My parents do not know as yet. I may tell them when I am 17 in a couple of years. He is just an awesome guy and it is so unfair that older guys get such a bad name unnecessarily.

  • Katarina

    I am swedish and 15 yrs old. I think there is much preoccupation with sex and how bad it is for a younger girl to go with an older guy. I think it is her decision and such prescriptive advice is so old fashioned and narrow minded.
    How can you tell a 15 yr old girl what is good for her and what is a bad thing. I think you underestimate the thought processes of 15 yr old girls. Everyone is so paternalistic or maternalistic here wanting to force their advice on the 15 yr old girl and tell her not to have the relationship. This is so stupid. Why do you think it is wrong? Just using the age is so small minded and then to accuse the guy of being a creep and a pervert or already deciding, because of his age, that he is going to take advantage of her is extremely small minded and blinkered. You think 25 yrs is old?? I am 15 and I like guys who are of that age group. Many of my guy friends are around 25. They are in University and some work. We have a great time and so many healthy discussions including those of a sexual nature. Why are people so preoccupied about sex I dont know. It is normal part of life and will happen whether you like it or not. So get used to it and accept it because you cannot stop it and society is changing.
    I think if you keep telling your 15 yr old girls in your country that such relationships are bad and labelling all 25 yr olds as pervs you will generate a bad complex in these girls minds. They will then find it really difficult to relate to older guys when the time comes. Cant you see how detrimental such negative publicity is? Let them grow up normally. Some girls will like to go out with older guys. That is their choice. This is not the norm but more and more girls find the company of older guys a lot more fulfilling. I think they should be allowed to do that and not be given bad advice like this article. If they want to have sex that is their choice irrespective of the law. I was sexually active when I was 14 and my bfs have been guys in their mid to late 20s. Many of my other girl friends are the same too. I had a pregnancy scare twice. I was just turning 14 then but my mom was okay with that and explained to me about condoms and got me on the pill soon after. We have a more broadminded view of life. The world is changing. Get on board or be left behind in your small, isolated, narrowminded world.

    • A girl

      I’m 15 and I agree. 25 isn’t old at all to me, and I find I’ve always related to adults more than I have with kids my age. I simply wouldn’t enjoy dating a guy my age, since I’ve always liked older guys.

  • carys

    Why do people always think that a guy who is older is dating a much younger girl “for the wrong reasons”
    And, what is so worng even if he is sexually attracted to her? You think guys our own age have more noble thoughts?? Do you think guys our age dont think that way? What is wrong with the world I dont know.
    Why is there so much prejudice, fear, paranoia, negative thoughts, expectations of bad outcomes when such relationships happen? WHY WHY WHY??
    Such relationships are not new. They happened in the days of our grandparents. Then society started this “mind altering” “mental reprogramming” craze and now slowly over few decades have come to make us believe that somehow a younger girl with a much older guy is bad, inappropriate, a crime, and that the guy is manipulative and using the girl for sex. This is so stupid. What amazes me is that people are such fools to accept such a dogma and continue to practice this without even questioning if, what has typically been a brain washing strategy, is true or not. Dont we have some common sense, intelligence and logic to decide for ourselves if this is true or not? Shouldnt that be the decision of the girl and the guy alone rather than everyone throwing in their two cents worth?
    There is nothing wrong with such relationships. Attraction is a very complex thing. Why 2 people are attracted to each other will never be known. Some call it chemistry, some will talk about love. But no people will be able to give a real answer.
    I think the 15 yr old realises what is in it for her. There is nothing wrong with experimentation. Just give her the means to deal with her first relationship. At some stage she needs to “fly from the nest” and explore the world for herself. Let her be.

  • Amelia

    I’m not sure what my opinions on this are yet; I mean, I can see where Heather is coming from, and I wouldn’t want to encourage a teenage girl to date a man that could be interested for the wrong reasons, and I do understand that it’s legally not right seeing as he is older and her teacher.
    However, is this girl young and inexperienced or does she know what she might be getting herself into? Probably the latter, seeing as she’s 15, but even still, I know a good few 15 year olds who could get themselves into problems because they aren’t mature. From the way she has worded it, she has thought it over, but still she says she thinks it’s pretty weird. Myself, I wouldn’t go, if this happened, but I’m very apprehensive when it comes to dating anyway.
    I think it’s her decision, but she should still be cautious.

  • Charlotte

    Poor move on the staff of GURLs part to respond in petty arguments with the other comments…Not everybody is going to see eye to eye, so just agree to disagree…yes those comments are insulting you but that doesn’t mean you have to wield your weapons and don your battle armor. Continue to be mature (As I once thought you were) and ignore it. People think what they want. These arguments are being held very childishly (on both parties) and what is “right” and what is “wrong” doesn’t matter here, because bickering about it on the internet won’t change anything. As staff of a website you should be the responsible one. Yes, controversial posts are made and I know I can’t stop people from arguing about them but that’s just my two cents. No hate to anyone here.