I Snooped Through His Phone and Found Something – Now What Do I Do?

Hi Heather,

I know I’m not supposed to snoop through my boyfriend’s stuff – but I also have a serious issue with trust. One day when he left his phone unattended in my room, I looked through it. I found some texts with another girl that I think are inappropriate. There was nothing there that indicated they were actually having a relationship, but the texts were really flirty and sexual. She was even asking about me! I know these texts could be inside jokes or something, but I’m freaking out. He’s never mentioned this girl to me at all, so why is he sexting with her?

Now I don’t know what to do. When he’s with me, he’s so sweet and kind and caring. Besides those texts, he has never done anything wrong and always says I’m the only girl in his life. But I can’t stop thinking about those text messages, they’re driving me crazy. If I confront him, he’ll get mad at me for snooping and what if this is nothing? If I don’t confront him, I don’t know if I can stay with him. Please help me.

Ugh. This situation stinks. I am not trying to sound judgmental at all, but this is the issue with snooping: you might find something and then you have to admit you were snooping. Or you might find nothing, but convince yourself it’s something. Then you’re stuck in this weird place where you don’t know what to do.

Here’s my opinion: your boyfriend definitely shouldn’t be sexting another girl while he’s with you. It may not be physical cheating, but it’s emotional cheating, which is just as bad (if not worse). Yes, you should have left his phone alone, but that doesn’t mean that what he’s doing isn’t wrong.

In this case, I think you need to confront your boyfriend. Yes, this means you’ll be admitting that you snooped, but this doesn’t seem like something you can ignore. Not only do you have the right to know what’s going on with him and this girl, but you will also drive yourself crazy if you try to ignore it.

Be honest with your BF when you confront him. Don’t try to make up a story or make things seem more innocent. Say something like, “I know I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy, but I did. I looked through your text messages and I’m really sorry about that, but I felt like something was up. I don’t like what I found. What is going on?” Beware: he’ll probably get pretty angry at you, because you looked through his phone and he also feels guilty. Give him a chance to explain, but pay attention to your own gut feeling.

I also think you need to ask yourself why you went through his phone in the first place. You say that he’s sweet, caring, loving and seems completely devoted to you – so why did you feel the need to check up on him on your own? There has to be some reason, whether it’s your own trust issues or it’s a gut feeling you were getting about him. If you truly feel like you can’t trust this guy, you shouldn’t be with him. And if you feel like you can’t get past this text message incident, let the relationship go. If you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, it’s not worth it.

In the future, avoid looking through anyone’s phone. If you really feel like something is going on behind your back, confront that person and be honest. If you feel the need to snoop, maybe you’re not ready to be in a relationship.

take care,
Heather

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  • Beth

    I went through my boyfriends phone one morning and seen that he had been sending these explicit texts to another girl, even talking about him going to her house to have sex with her. soon as I seen the messages I asked him straight away about her and told him I read the whole conversation, he said that It didn’t mean anything and he was sorry. I believe he didn’t go to her house and he promises that it will never happened again, he seems like the most kindest, caring boyfriend you could have, but if hes done it once he can sure do it again, we don’t live together so I have no clue what hes doing when hes not with me and now I don’t know if I can trust him not to do this again. I don’t mind him having friends that are girls because I have friends that are boys and he knows about them, but sexting and talking about meeting up isn’t a ‘friend’ now im confused and don’t know what to do, because I do still love him. :(

  • canapetrois

    My wife encouraged us to move to a different country for a different life. I was first to move and she followed six months later with the kids. I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her. I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and was sorry about it and that it had a negative impact on our relationship. After that I didn’t trust her and kept monitoring her phone, which she put a password on. I found that she still kept the sexy talk with this former work-mate. I also found that she’s also exchanging these flirty messages with her ex-boyfriend…even sending each other pornographic pictures and videos. I used to hold her in so much trust but now I don’t. We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much. I feel like I can’t tell her and I’m not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.

    • Coco

      My husband is doing that to me now. He keeps telling me it’s over but then I find more conversations. With kids in the picture it’s so hard to decide what to do.

  • JollyJalala

    That’s why people should choose to be with someone they can trust. I mean, why get into a relationship with a guy if you don’t trust him? That’ll just make you miserable.
    Sad, but true, most guys can’t be trusted.

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  • Lilja

    I feel like I could have written this question. My boyfriend told me that I could check his phone if I wished to so I did a few months later, and I saw that he had been talking to his ex behind my back, and he also said that he never talked to any of his exes and he wouldn’t ever do it, so I was pretty hurt! (they had been talking for about a year, I had known him for two years at that time) When he came back, I told him to open his phone and his text messages and I asked who that girl was, and he lied and told me that it was a friend (stammering, of course…) and then he admitted it was his ex and he got super mad at me but he refused to explain why he hid her from me… it was pretty intense and I don’t know if he’s talking to her again, he only deleted her number (meaning she can still contact him). I think that if you feel like there’s something you need to know, ask him if you can borrow his phone sometime, or ask him to open his inbox next to you, just try not to do it when he doesn’t know about it, it will only bring you problems.

    And Heather, I really don’t think that feeling like you need to check your boyfriends/girlfriends phone means that you’re not ready for a relationship, it just means you need to see what he does when you’re not around and I think everyone has a right to see that, you shouldn’t be hiding anything from your partner, meaning you shouldn’t mind if they go through your phone. I totally wouldn’t mind if my boyfriend checked my texts or facebook or whatever, it wouldn’t offend me at all since I trust him and if I need to show him that I’m not hiding anything, I’m happy to do so.