Ask A Guy: If You Have Sex With A Guy Too Soon, Does That Ruin The Chance Of A Relationship?

Dear Ethan,

If you have sex with a guy REALLY early into the relationship, will he think less of you and only break up or cheat on you? Is it true that if you have sex with a guy too soon it ruins the chance of a relationship? Help!

While sleeping with a guy on the second, or even – gasp! – first date might not send the message that you’re looking to take things especially slow, there’s no reason it should make a guy “think less of you.” Sure, going all the way might confirm a casual vibe for a guy who wasn’t looking for anything serious in the first place and perhaps a Puritan will pass on your offer and walk away. But a typically good guy who also happens to really like you shouldn’t judge you for wanting to have sex. If he really has a problem with it when it comes up, a mature gentleman will simply ask if you wouldn’t mind postponing for a bit. Problem solved.

Once you’ve embarked on a relationship, no guy will break up with or cheat on you because of how soon you began having sex. At that point, your man will focus more on how awesome it is to be getting laid, rather than on how quickly it began happening! Of course, a guy with less than serious intentions from the get-go might bugger off after having slept with you – but that type of dude would have left soon after whether your first time together was a day or a year into the relationship. He’s the type suited for casual flings, or best avoided altogether.

The best reason to delay sex isn’t to keep a guy from making assumptions or cheating on you – it’s to give the relationship the best chance of surviving in the long run. When you intentionally, thoughtfully pace out sexual exploration with a partner, it not only gives you both a chance to learn more about one another without the complications that sex can often bring, but it helps build passion and makes going “all the way” that much more explosive and gratifying when you finally get there. Ladies are just as susceptible to boredom as guys are, so take your time in the bedroom for both of your sakes, not just for his!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. When not touring the country, Ethan gives weekly advice in the video series “Dude Seriously?”. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com.

 

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6 Comments

  1. avatarManda says:

    Cody above says that there will always be judgement. Bull.

    As a woman I know that sex can complicate things. I’m divorced and dating all over again… for me, I know sex is just physical at this moment. It’s a release that I enjoy and I like to get it from men I want to be close to, but does it mean that I don’t respect myself? Absolutely not.

    It’s nice because it helps me weed out the men who only want sex. Men who are just “dating” for fun want to have sex and it’s okay for me to want to have sex with them. I’m also okay with it never getting serious.

    I know, as a single mom, I keep all relationships away from my kid and I enjoy myself. If a relationship eventually develops into something serious or long-term, then I’m happy. But so far I’ve met great friends who both want to go fishing with me and have sex, what’s not to love?

    The trick is to know that unless the guy’s said he loves you, don’t take sex too seriously. It’s a very personal recreational activity that is a lot of fun and can teach you a lot about a guy too.

    I’ll never marry a guy who doesn’t care about my orgasm or who doesn’t offer certain types of foreplay.

  2. avatarCandy says:

    While what Ethan says is also true, I unfortunately was used by someone, repeatedly. I waited a few months and then we did it, I didn’t hear from him for days and then he popped up and had an excuse. That’s how it was repeatedly, he’d disappear for weeks, even a couple of months at a time and then had some sorry excuse. He dragged me out and I guess it was because I was the only one who he could get or the fact that he knew he was my drug, he also happened to be my first. Don’t let anyone do that to you.

  3. avatarCody says:

    I do not agree with this article. Unfortunately it really does matter how soon sex comes in to a new relationship. Liberalizing sex relations in the modern age has not eliminated all vestiges of the male-female duality.

    Everybody is different, but for many many men a ladys behavior here sends a signal about what she thinks of herself and how she expects men to treat her.

    The “easy” accusation is not culturally limited to the West, but is replete throughout the world. Men will always judge women on certain things.

    Conversely, young ladies can be secure that their greatest tool in separating their suitors in to men vs boys is in exercising their power as the gateway to sex.

    In the dance of the chase women withhold sex, men withhold commitment. With the exception of some boys’ first relationships, for which love is too new and brashly unprotected, most men will see no reason to commit to a lady who has given it up so easily.

    There’s a psychological element here. All that is worthy is worth waiting for, and is not easily had.

    It would be great if judgement did not need to exist in this world, but it does exist. The work needed to put in before a lady freely gives her heart and body away, or even her body before her heart, indicates possible future behavior. She reveals both her fidelity and her self-respect, wherein she has answered herself the question “How careful should I be to place my heart in the right hands?”

    Be careful, young ladies — young men in America can now see the reason for these views in the increasing sexual restlessness of experienced young women. There is a “rule” of sorts being bandied about. The rule of 5. If your girlfriend has had more previous lovers than you have fingers on one hand then she must not be considered long term relationship material.

    There is a ruthless logic of self-preservation in the love game, you see. For all is fair.

  4. avatarHailey Norris says:

    Hi, I’ve been dating my boyfriend James and he wanted to have sex about a week ago and u told him I wasn’t ready. He understood that. So I finally had sex with him about 2 days ago. And he hasn’t broke up with me. So no it won’t ruin a relationship. And I’m 13 and he’s 14.

  5. avatarElizabeth says:

    My boyfriend and I got together and knew we both wanted a serious, long-term relationship. We had sex less than a month into our relationship. If anything, it made us become closer way, way faster than I would have ever imagined. It’s like being that close physically made us that close emotionally. It’s been almost a year and a half since then, and we’re still going strong :) It’s not about the timing of sex–it’s about finding a nice guy that’s good to you and that you can be good to. Do whatever the hell you want–if he doesn’t “approve,” forget him.

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