Reader Submission: I’m Insecure About Not Having A Boyfriend

Contributing writer Kimberly Couzens submitted this post as a Reader Submission for Gurl. We love hearing your stories! If you’d like to submit your writing to Gurl, please send us an email at

If there’s one thing I’m not looking forward to during the holidays, it’s being asked repeatedly if I’m “seeing anyone special.” When I say that I’m not, the reaction is usually one of surprise or disappointment, like I’ve just told the person that I have a disease.

I hate these reactions, because the truth is, I’m a little insecure about not having a boyfriend. It’s not even like I’ve never had one because I have. I’ve had two serious boyfriends: one in high school and one in college. I’m not against relationships, but I haven’t met the right person, so I’ve been single for several years.

It bothers me that some people think being single is a problem that must be “fixed.” They’ll say something like, “I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon,” or “Have you tried online dating?” (I have and it was weird) What am I supposed to say in response to that? It’s awkward.

It’s weird when people I don’t know assume I have a boyfriend, because, of course, all young women should, and do, have boyfriends. More than once, I’ve been shopping for a gift for my brother or a guy friend and the salesperson has said, “Your boyfriend is going to love this.” At that point, I’m not sure whether I should clarify that no, this gift is not for my boyfriend, because I don’t have one.

The constant reminder that I’m not in a relationship makes me feel insecure, like there is something wrong with me for not having a boyfriend. But it’s not like you can just go to the store and pick one out! Some girls seem to go right from one boyfriend to the other. I’ve always wondered what it is they have that I don’t, but deep down, I don’t think I’m jealous of girls who are in relationships.

I’ve been single for so long that I’m comfortable with it most of the time. I’m used to spending a lot of time with girlfriends, managing my own money and wearing whatever I want around the house. I’m also used to buying groceries for one, going to parties without a date and celebrating platonic love on Valentine’s Day. I’ve learned that being single has some major perks. Anyone who has a friend with a boyfriend has felt the pain of having to listen to boyfriend drama over and over again. When you’re not in a relationship, you can enjoy the ability to go where you want, with whom you want, and not have to answer to anybody. You can spend all the time you want with your girlfriends, or pets, but most importantly, on the activities that are the most important to you. I know more than a few people who might be much happier if they took some time to be on their own.

Sure, it’s possible to balance your time between a boyfriend, family and friends, but flying solo means more time to dedicate to the things you enjoy. One of my favorite hobbies is shopping and every time I’m at the mall I see sad-looking boyfriends waiting for the ladies in their lives to finish shopping. (Seriously, when are stores going to figure out that they should build a miserable-boyfriend section with comfy couches and TVs showing football games?)

The way I see it, the best thing anyone can do for a future relationship is to spend as much time as possible on the things she enjoys and be as happy as she can be with her life the way it is now. Hobbies and interests are what make a person interesting, not boyfriend-hunting.

I think purposefully looking for a boyfriend is the wrong approach. Close relationships, like with best friends, develop over time. They can’t be forced. That’s not to say that I’m not open to the idea of having a boyfriend; I would be willing to make compromises in my life for the right guy. But until I meet someone great, I’m not buying into the idea that a girl is somehow less of a person unless she’s one-half of a couple.

Are you single? Do you ever feel this way? Can you relate to what Kimberly is saying? What do you think about not having a boyfriend? Tell us in the comments.


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  • Ria

    I can relate to this also. I am 29 years old and not only is it difficult when girls from your high school are married and have children, or work colleagues and close girlfriends are in a relationship, it also is hard when you attend family barbeques and you do get askedthose questions about any new potential man.

    I do get approached by a lot of men, I have been in two long term relationships and it has been over a year since my former boyfriend and I mutually split. The way I see it, is through pure blind faith that I will meet him. I don’t ponder on it and I always meet people but just coz I may be surrounded by men at work, gym or social events does not mean I will cling onto every one.

    I am comfortable with being single, yes it annoys me when I see anyone my age in a relationship but I am happy for them and for my own position too, because it means I am taking my time and being true to my self not to rush into some relationship jusy to feel secure and please others. F that. I believe it will happen. Right now I am enjoying my time to myself coz once the hubby n kids come I will thank God that I had this free time in my life I have now coz it will never be the same. Soo go ahead, love yourself and live alittle xx

  • Brooke

    It’s actually really nice to know that someone else feels the same way as I do, makes me feel a little better. It’s been years since my first boyfriend and I haven’t been with anyone else since. Also, now that all my friends are getting together I do feel insecure myself but I found this article very reassuring. 🙂

  • Fantasygirl425

    I feel like I really want a boyfriend and I cant find one. I don’t believe that if you wait the right person will come. When my parents met my mom made the first move, she thinks some guys are to scared to make the first move. I think if you don’t go looking for a boyfriend you will never have a boyfriend. The problem is I dont know where to look.

    • Rio

      Well, someone has to make the first move, don’t they? It’s true that a lot of guys don’t have the guts to ask a girl out on a date, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to go out and meet people for the sole purpose of starting a romantic relationship with them. Like the author said, any truly meaningful relationship will develop over time. Love at first sight isn’t real.

  • Jess

    I feel this way all of the time…

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