Ask A Guy: Why Won’t My Boyfriend Give Me Oral Sex?

Dear Ethan,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years now… and he’s never given me oral sex, although he expects me to give it to him. I have done it many times for him. Whenever I ask him to give me oral sex, he says he loves giving oral sex and that he’s good at it (his exes have told me too), but he told me he won’t do it for me and won’t tell me the reason why. I have been through so much crap with him and yet there still seems to be this thing that’s getting to him about going down on me. I can’t help him through it because he won’t tell me why he won’t do it, he just says, “I’m not telling you because you won’t like the answer.” What do I do? It’s killing me because I love receiving oral sex and he just refuses. I’ve tried everything. Please help me.

First, my congratulations — and condolences — on lasting five years without oral sex. That’s quite a long time to go without any mustached visitors down south.

It would seem to me that if a guy is truly that averse to performing oral sex, he’s likely plagued by some irrational reasoning that’s prevented him from ever doing it before (e.g. “I’m afraid it will bite me!”). However, since he claims to have previously done it for other girls (who also confirm this), I would have to guess that he had some sort of traumatic experience with a partner (maybe a vagina bit him?). In which case, he mostly has the right to keep the story to himself.

He does not, however, have the right to receive that which he refuses to do for you. If you enjoy performing oral sex as much as he enjoys accepting it, then by all means, girl, get down with it. But you are entirely not obligated to do so if he doesn’t wish you return the favor.

Additionally, you shouldn’t be afraid to keep the lines of communication open. Though you may have hit endless dead ends when asking him about why he’s avoiding oral, next time you have a discussion you can instead explain to him how his evasion makes you feel — especially given the fact that he’s had no problem doing it for others in the past.

Whether his issues are with you specifically or all women in general, assure him that you’d prefer to understand what’s going on no matter how difficult it may be to hear, rather than be left confused and assuming the worst. Many times a guy will build up anxiety over the consequences of revealing particular information to his partner, when really, keeping her in the dark is far more destructive than any revelation could ever be. A relationship can easily thrive without oral sex – but a relationship with unexplained secrets cannot.

Good luck!

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of For more on Ethan, visit…or call his mom, Robin.

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Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
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  • Meredith

    I would say, don’t give him any until he can man up and learn to communicate with you. Him not telling you why is selfish on his part and he needs to know how you feel (not receiving), because then maybe he’ll learn to be a little empathetic and tell you!!

  • Tim

    What the heck is wrong with you? This is a sight for teen girls, and you have topics like this on here?! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Topics like this have only one place, and that’s between husband and wife! Just like sex is for the marriage bed.
    Your disgusting morals are sad!

    • Cakes

      Listen, Tim, EVERYONE (well most but you know what i mean) is having premarital sex now as not a lot of TEEN GIRLS have the same morals as you. Especially since having sex is not at all immoral and is completely natural. Why don’t you just leave this site because obviously it is not for you and get over yourself.

    • Victoria

      yes, TEEN GIRLS. Teen girls have sex. Get over yourself. And stop rubbing your “morals” in our faces.

      • Phillip

        Well obviously I’m not a teen girl lol this article came up in a web search and I was intrigued. Anyway, although your comment about teen girls having sex is unfortunately true, its also rather disturbing how easily you stated it and chastized someone else for their morals. If your not into morals, how about some common sense? Teen girls also have babies. It’s children having children and yes a teenager is still a child whether u like it or not, even if u call them a young adult, its the same difference. Just fyi, condoms break and sometimes BC fails. So when a teen girl has a baby, what usually happens? More often than not, the father which is likely still just a boy wants nothing to do with it, either because he’s scared or he’s just a jerk. Either way the girl’s life as she knew it is over. Even if she decides to “fix it” as if a baby were like any other problem to fix, she’ll have to live with that decision that rest of her life. Now obviously I don’t expect to change the world with my comment here but my point, is that young people who think that sex is a toy to play with, with various partners and bj’s are no different than a goodnight kiss. Well even if they don’t get prego, when they get older and more mature, and she looks back on her days of promiscuity, she may come to regret it. Most guys don’t really wanna know a girl’s number but very stupidly they may ask and what will u say? 10? 15? 20? Its kinda disturbing to most guys thinking how many other guys have been inside, ie sharing the same body of the girl they wanna be with. If its a larger number than what they’re comfortable with, they’ll likely not want anything to do with u. And its usually the same if a guy’s number is too high. Also the vagina, after getting alotta use, tends to stretch and thus becomes loose, maybe too loose. So sometimes a guy can just tell if a girl has seen alotta action down there. If its too loose for us to get off, then we’ll just get out. Teenagers, both male and female, are just not mature enough to be having sex yet, plain and simple. I’m not saying u can never have sex pre-marriage, just only in a serious committed relationship is the best way to go. As a guy, I know for a fact what they say about guys not respecting u if u just give it up willy nilly is so very true. U make a guy wait and work for it, not to play games, but to show him u have more respect for yourself than that and either he’ll respect u for that and be ok with it, in which case he may actually be a good one… or if not, then he wasn’t worth your time anyway. Personally, I like morals, but common sense is pretty good too

  • Jeff

    Samantha, I’m sorry but dumping someone you have been with 5 years for not giving you oral sex and doesn’t want to tell you the reason in fear she wouldn’t like that answer is the dumbest reason I have ever heard. Being a Male myself, he means either odor or he rather have it shaved/not shaved. So, instead of telling someone something You would do, may be a reason why you are probably single, it’s better to resolve the issue, and if its that important to her to get oral sex, then she should deny him oral until he decides to tell this so called “you won’t like it” secret. If he leave her, then he wasn’t worth it, if he actually tells her why, then go from there.

    • suzanneaudley

      Jeff I agree with in regards to cleanliness, grooming of the pubic hair and a big deal breaker for anyone would be odor. Take care of your lady parts and he will take care of you.

  • Samantha

    To me, saying you won’t like the answer means that its about you personally. But that’s a womans perspective coming through. Which to me says he doesn’t like the way you groom yourself (either you smell too natural or too unnatural and/or he doesn’t like the way you tame or don’t tame your lady garden.) All of this, especially him expecting to be only on the receiving end for FIVE YEARS tells me DEALBREAKER ladies (in the words of Liz Lemon). dump that turd. he isn’t worth your time, you may love him but you know what? I GUARANTEE there are men out there who will be more open with you about sex, and who will be more than happy to reciprocate any sexual favors you see fit to give them. and the better the communication, the happier you will be in all things related to your relationship, not just the sex.