I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years now… and he’s never given me oral sex, although he expects me to give it to him. I have done it many times for him. Whenever I ask him to give me oral sex, he says he loves giving oral sex and that he’s good at it (his exes have told me too), but he told me he won’t do it for me and won’t tell me the reason why. I have been through so much crap with him and yet there still seems to be this thing that’s getting to him about going down on me. I can’t help him through it because he won’t tell me why he won’t do it, he just says, “I’m not telling you because you won’t like the answer.” What do I do? It’s killing me because I love receiving oral sex and he just refuses. I’ve tried everything. Please help me.
First, my congratulations — and condolences — on lasting five years without oral sex. That’s quite a long time to go without any mustached visitors down south.
It would seem to me that if a guy is truly that averse to performing oral sex, he’s likely plagued by some irrational reasoning that’s prevented him from ever doing it before (e.g. “I’m afraid it will bite me!”). However, since he claims to have previously done it for other girls (who also confirm this), I would have to guess that he had some sort of traumatic experience with a partner (maybe a vagina bit him?). In which case, he mostly has the right to keep the story to himself.
He does not, however, have the right to receive that which he refuses to do for you. If you enjoy performing oral sex as much as he enjoys accepting it, then by all means, girl, get down with it. But you are entirely not obligated to do so if he doesn’t wish you return the favor.
Additionally, you shouldn’t be afraid to keep the lines of communication open. Though you may have hit endless dead ends when asking him about why he’s avoiding oral, next time you have a discussion you can instead explain to him how his evasion makes you feel — especially given the fact that he’s had no problem doing it for others in the past.
Whether his issues are with you specifically or all women in general, assure him that you’d prefer to understand what’s going on no matter how difficult it may be to hear, rather than be left confused and assuming the worst. Many times a guy will build up anxiety over the consequences of revealing particular information to his partner, when really, keeping her in the dark is far more destructive than any revelation could ever be. A relationship can easily thrive without oral sex – but a relationship with unexplained secrets cannot.
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.