I’ve been with my boyfriend for about ten months now. At the start of our relationship, we were having sex almost six times a week. Now, it’s barely happening and I feel like I’m always the one initiating it. I’ve asked what’s wrong and he said he’s just “not in the mood.” I don’t know what else to do and it’s really taking it’s toll on me and making me feel really insecure within the relationship. What do you think is going on?
I’m not going to sugar coat this: if he’s barely ever “in the mood,” something’s definitely up with your boyfriend. Of course, not all guys are sex-crazed fiends (though most are). Due to certain factors, some guys simply have a lower sex drive than women (though not many). But what’s much more indicative of a problem is the frequency with which you were having sex in the beginning of the relationship compared to now.
No matter what the starting point, the amount of sex a couple has is bound to decrease in any relationship – especially once the honeymoon period is over and the one year-mark is fast approaching. On the other hand, when the drop-off is dramatic and either partner isn’t alright with the change, it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.
The reason behind his recent lack of interest could really be almost anything. But rather than work yourself up about him falling out of love or having feelings for another woman, start by addressing the fact that you’re about to hit a pretty big checkpoint in your relationship. Romances often get especially serious around the time of their first anniversary, when a “state of the union” discussion is almost always necessary.
Talk to your boyfriend openly, explaining how you feel. Don’t drill him for information, put any pressure on him, or make him feel like he’s at fault – make the chat about yourself. Once he begins to let his guard down, you can sympathetically emphasize your readiness to do what it takes to make him feel more comfortable in the relationship. If you hit a dead end, drop the conversation and give him space for a few days. If he’s not willing to open up to you after a couple of attempts to have a sensitive, supportive dialogue, then you might just have to part ways and find someone who can provide you with what you need both emotionally and physically.
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.