Last year, my friend lost her v-card to her boyfriend after one month of dating. To be honest, her boyfriend is such a tool. They broke up three months after having sex, but ever since then, he’s been stringing her along. My friend has been demeaned and used by him for the past year and a half – she knows that he doesn’t like her but continues to go back to him.
The thing is, she comes crying to me all the time. I have been giving her the same advice for a year and a half and she refuses to listen. I’m over it. It feels like our friendship is based on talking about him. It’s so stressful because I have my own shiz to deal with. Not to sound mean, but my family and school issues seem more important to me. I’m trying to be a good friend, but I’m really getting fed up. I don’t know what to do about my friend anymore. She has made me afraid to get intimate with a guy now and never seems to care about my issues – but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Please help!
Girl… I completely understand how you feel. I also have a friend who does nothing but complain about her boyfriend and no matter what I tell her, she just doesn’t listen. At a certain point you start wondering, why are you even bothering to talk to me about it? You shouldn’t feel bad about getting annoyed about this - in fact, you’re not alone. A recent study says that complaining about a guy too much pushes friends away. Your friend is stuck in a crappy situation, which is party her fault, and she’s making it your problem also.
It sounds like your friend just really needs someone to talk to and she feels comfortable talking to you about it for whatever reason. Since she’s completely disregarding your advice, it sounds like she just wants someone to listen to her complain and nothing more. While that’s fine to do to friends once in a while, it’s not fair for her to do this to you all the time. I totally get that you don’t want to hurt her and you want to be a good friend, but the fact of the matter is that she isn’t being a great friend to you – and you definitely need to speak up.
The next time your friend comes to you to complain about this guy, say something like this: “I’ve already told you how I feel about him and I’ve already given you the same advice I’ve been giving you for a year and a half. If you’re not going to listen to me, I can’t keep talking about it because it’s frustrating for me.” Let her know how much you love and care about her and how much you hate seeing her get treated this way. Tell her that you’re a little insulted that she completely ignores your advice and if she’s not going to listen to you, you can’t keep listening to her. It’s called tough love, baby, and it sounds like your friend needs it.
I think it’s also worth mentioning that you feel like she’s neglecting you. Tell her that you’re upset that she never seems to care about your problems, only her problems. Let her know that while you wish you could be there for her like she needs, you just can’t. Tell her that you have your own stuff to deal with and she can’t expect you to be there 24/7 if she’s going to continue to do the same thing with this guy.
Maybe this will inspire her to make some changes – or maybe it will make her angry and push you away. Either way, this talk needs to happen. It’s fine to let your friends vent to you once in a while, but a true friendship is not about just one person being there for the other one. Your friend needs to realize that she’s doing the wrong thing. And don’t feel like you’re being selfish – of course being a good friend is important, but you also need to focus on you. If that means getting rid of the toxic people in your life, so be it.
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