After that breakup, I was a bit of a mess. But I’ve casually dated some guys since or gotten as close as I could manage to someone without the pressure of a relationship. I dated an old friend who moved away, which was just enough to get me feeling happy again. I dated a guy who was very sweet but afraid of “feelings” so it was really just someone to talk to a lot. And more recently, I had a non-relationship-relationship with a guy who was “not ready to be serious with anyone for at least two years.”
My pattern for the past two years has been: casually date until actual feelings develop and then run as fast as possible in the other direction. I’m aware that this isn’t healthy at all, but that’s been my defense mechanism. In the words of Danity Kane,
“My heart is damaged, damaged, so damaged, so damaged,
And you can blame the one before.”
I’ve gone on a lot of first dates in the past year and have essentially found something wrong with every single guy I have encountered. Why? Because I look for flaws. I look for a reason, any reason, to run. Sometimes they’re legitimate, like the penis pic guy or the guy who had the nerve to ask “So you’re a feminist, huh?” Sometimes they’re stupid, like he doesn’t have Facebook. (Although, these days that is really weird.)
I will find any reason to sabotage getting too close to someone because I don’t want to get hurt. And that is dumb.
I’ve been seeing someone for a little over a month now, and I’m the happiest I’ve been in forever. Seriously, ask anyone in this office. I NEVER like people. Even the last guy I casually dated, I liked but I was never that excited or actually happy. I even blush. I’m Caitlin Corsetti, I don’t blush. And yet here we are.
Last night I was lying awake in bed, racking my brain for a reason to run. I was trying to pick out flaws or reasons this thing isn’t going to work. I was trying to come up with literally anything I could to end it because I’m a big baby and I’m scared. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t come up with a single reason to remove this person from my life.
I feel like a total jerk. Here is this guy who is nice to me, who calls me “babe” and “sweetheart,” who gives the best hugs, who literally lights me up just by looking at me, who actually likes me and wants to spend time with me. And I’m just trying to make excuses to not let myself be happy.
I’m not doing it anymore. One of our lovely newlyweds in the office told me the other day, “If it’s easy, don’t question it.” So I’m done with that nonsense, and I’m going to just let whatever happens with this guy happen. And I think it will be great.
Don’t be me. Don’t do this to yourself. Yeah, you might get hurt again, but you also might not. It’s okay to fall and to just let it happen. Stop trying to find flaws in something where there might not be any because you deserve to be happy.
Do you ever search for flaws when you’re seeing someone? Are you afraid of getting hurt? How did you stop yourself from doing this? Tell us in the comments!