Does Your First Time Having Sex Really Hurt That Badly?

Hi Heather,

I want to have sex with my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for a while. We’re both virgins. The only thing is, I’m kind of scared to do it. The reason I’m scared isn’t because I don’t feel ready, it’s because people keep telling me that your first time hurts really badly. I don’t use tampons because even those hurt me, so I feel like this will be even worse. So now I’m terrified to have sex. Please help me!

Okay, I’ll be honest with you here: having sex for the first time usually hurts… but that pain is different for everybody. It might hurt a lot for some people, while others will only feel a little bit of pain. The best way to describe the feeling is as sort of pressure down there. But while the pain you experience when you lose your virginity is definitely a little scary to think about, it’s nothing that should make you feel super terrified. It’s not that bad!

How much pain you feel when you have sex for the first time depends on a lot of different things, like how big your partner is, how fast or slow he’s going, how wet or dry you are down there and how nervous you are. This is a good thing, because that means that you can control things at least a little bit. The first thing to know is that the more nervous you are, the harder it’s going to be and the more it’s going to hurt. That’s because when you’re nervous, your body tenses up (including your down there area), even if you don’t realize it’s happening. That obviously would make it harder to squeeze something in there, you know what I mean?

If you’re really worried about the pain, you should also ask your boyfriend to take things slow and to be really careful. Another way to make things easier is to make sure you’re lubricated down there – sometimes being nervous can make you dry, so try using a little lube. You can buy that separately or you can get condoms that have lube on them.

I would also recommend putting a tampon in before you try having sex. Use a light tampon, which is small and should be easier to get in. Do it carefully and slowly, using a mirror. I know it’s uncomfortable, but you just need to relax and push through the pain. Once you start using tampons, you’ll start to stretch yourself out a little, making it easier to have sex.

However, there’s really no getting around the fact that sex for your first time is probably going to hurt a little bit. You can make it better, but you can’t take it away completely. You just sort of have to push through the pain (although if it’s KILLING you, that’s a problem and you should stop) and get past it. It won’t hurt forever and in the worst case, you may just feel a little sore for a few hours afterwards. Don’t let that fear ruing your excitement over your first time! Think of it this way: everyone who has had sex has all experienced it and we all seem okay, right? Right.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at


10 signs you’re not ready to have sex yet

Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter

Posted in: Help Me Heather
Tags: , ,
  • Neha

    is there bleeding while having sex. ?

    • km. urvashi saxena

      Yes it is true that ist time every girls have bleed when her virginty when his paertner penic head pushes and hammer on her softlayer of virginty skin. I also feel it when my boy frienddo with me as his cock were cut and broken my virginty when I was 18yrs old and his age was 20yrs but his cock were 6^ plus after errection and a wave of pleasure runs into my body when his cock in side me. And the pain feeling were full in pleasure.

  • Sarah

    Wow, our society is so screwed up. You girls are losing yourselves to what men WANT. Seriously? Women should empower each other. Life isn’t about sex especially not when you’re 13 or 14. Pleasurable or not, have some self control. If you want to explore yourself, great, you should. Get to know yourself and your sexuality, but having sex at such a young age with boys or men is not the answer. Have some dignity. It’s no wonder we have so many unwanted births in the world and so many cases of HIV/AIDS. It’s because these younger generations are coming fourth with the intention to speed through life. Take a second and realize that women are the bane of existence. Don’t let men’s arousal pressure any one of you to have sex. At 13 or 14 or WHATEVER, you don’t even know the first thing about sex or protecting yourself. These men you think care about you, really don’t. They’re probably telling you all sweet little lies about what you want to hear to get you in bed. Seriously, wake up. Center your attention on things that matter like your education, health, and well-being. When you understand that, many things will come into perspective. Sex will come later, no reason to rush.

    • curlyLocks

      Sarah, you can do all of that and still have great enjoyable fulfilling sex even at 13 or 14!
      Just because a girl has sex at 13 does not mean she has less self worth or has lost her dignity. Sex is about instinct, attraction, pleasure, intimacy and many more things. The only time self worth becomes a problem is when society tells those girls that what they did was filthy, bad and amoral. This then leads to doubts in that young girls mind about herself. You see how absurd your arguments are!
      Sex by itself is very pleasurable and enjoyable. Girls are made to think that just because they enjoyed sex they are sluts and loose and have no self worth and dignity. When there is a constant barrage with this kind of stupid advice and labelling, of course there will be psychological issues and the girl then feels guilty of doing something “bad”
      Sex by itself has never caused any psychological issues. The psychological issues are a result of what society does to the individual by making the girl feel like she is a slut.
      There are many girls who are very attractive, pretty and have boyfriends because of their attractiveness. Those girls seem to find bfs much earlier than the many other unattractive girls. Having a bf does lead to sex because of the mutual need for intimacy. I know many girls who even though are engaging in regular sex still do well in school and get great grades. So your advice is a tad unreasonable.

      • Anonymous

        Curlylocks, there are so many things wrong with a 13 year old having sex, guys and girls. There is not a single 13 or 14 year old who is ready to have sex. They think they want to because they are told that it feels so good. It’s their choice regardless of what anyone of us thinks but I will guarantee that most people wish they would have waited. I’m not saying necessarily wait until marriage to have sex but at least wait until they can process life a little better. How many girls have sex for the first time and then the guy leaves here for someone else. Are you telling me that girls are happy to have this happen? It’s pretty rare for a guy and girl thats 13 or 14 to stay together for a long time. It happens but not as much as they don’t. You can say that they love each other and want to show their love to each other. That’s called being there for each other and getting to know each other better. Then maybe, but to say that they’re ready after a couple months of dating is ridiculous!

    • skye

      so Sarah, according to you, just because girls are having sex early makes our society screwed up. Also, how does having sex make a girl lose her power?
      Since when did submitting to instinctive behaviour and wanting to have sex = losing dignity??
      These girls have had sex willingly and have enjoyed it. When did they say that they were pressured?
      These are all your assumptions Sarah and reflects so poory on your intellect and ability to understand behaviour.

  • Zoliswa

    For me it was too painful guyz but l dont mean to scare you guyz.It happens to the guy who is now my husband by that time l was 19 it 3dayz for us coz he feel pity for me.he did’nt use any lube for me or any oil l thinbk thats why it took long for us but at last l lost my virginty it wz so fantastic l feel lyc he wont leavew and do it again but he was suppose to go to work.oh guyz try it ,it so fantastic and it wont hurt if you have experience.

    • jamie lee

      My name is Jamie and am 14 and am about to lose my virginity for the 1st time tomorrow night but the boy am losing it with is not my boyfriend were just friends and am scared what should i do

      • MJ

        Honey, there is no need for you to be rushing into having sex at such an early age, even if the guy you’re going to do it with is your friend. Take it from a woman who has been a virgin for a while and didn’t lose it until my early 20’s. Trust me, if it isn’t with someone you really care about, it can wait. At 14 you should be worrying about other things like your education. Don’t let someone coerce you into something you may not be ready for.



      • Nicole

        You’re 13, keep your legs closed and have some self control.

  • Karisma

    No does NOT hurt in the least bit.
    Girls listen to all the rubbish from girls who have never experienced sex who claim that first time sex is painful. That is such false information.
    The problem is that we get fed with all this rubbish and then we get very preoccupied and anxious that something hurtful, painful and harmful is going to happen to you. Being anxious itself makes you nervous. Being self conscious can make you uptight too. The important thing is that you need to relax and find out for yourself if your experience actually was a bad one or not. It wont be bad provided you take a few precautions to prepare you for that wonderful, thrilling and exciting first time. The sensations are just mind blowing and achieving an orgasm is just such a fulfilling experience.
    Make sure you engage in a lot of foreplay. Get him to rub your clitoris and to use his tongue on it. Fingering, oral sex, cuddling, using toys, asking him to stretch your vagina with his fingers while he fingers you, trying out 69, watching porn, mutual masturbating, experimenting with lube and importantly to have a place with the privacy and time so you can do things as fast or as slowly as you want with no hurry or haste.
    Make sure you are having an orgasm and that you are wet and moist. The sliminess is so important for penetration. Also get him to use some lube on his penis and inside your vagina. You will find that this will give you the best experience and will hardly hurt. Girls dont prepare well enough and thats why all this rubbish about pain and bleeding gets publicised. Just enjoy your first experience. It will only get better with experience.
    Just make sure you both wash and clean yourselves. Clean thoroughly around the anal area, just in case he likes to play with your anal area.
    When he penetrates you.. try to open your legs wide so he can go in all the way. The deeper he penetrates you the better and the stronger the orgasm. While he is doing this rub your clitoris so you are constantly orgasming while he is penetrating you. You wont regret the experience, trust me. πŸ˜› πŸ˜‰

    • Elina

      Karisma, It’s not a false claim. When I lost my virginity I experienced so much pain and some blood my first time, it’s different for everyone. I lost it yesterday and I’m still bleeding when I use the bathroom but it’s not that much blood. We prepped before he put it in by having him lick me down there and I also lubed him up, yet it was still so painful I was literally shaking because of it. So you should just speak for yourself instead of making these false claims and speaking for everyone else.

  • Abigail

    L hav’t try it before but day says it painful and l fear alot

  • km. urvashi saxena

    My boy friend is elder to me to whome I sleep ist time as virgin girl. His penis is circumised with big penis head I fear when saw his errect penis ist time and thought how it load ma y be bear in my tight hole.after long fore play and fingering and licking my pussy was wet. And tell my friend that it is my first time and ur cock is to fat and long +6” as think and it hurt me,please behave like a gentlemen and use oil on ur penis head ,he do it as I advice and some oil uses on my vigina and its sourrending areas. When my friend insert his penis feel pain and crying in loud sound and my eyes were full of tears. After his slow motion his penis goes and raptured my virginty and when he start in and out I feel divine pleasure and grabed his body tightly,he tell ready to cum outi say do it on my breast. I think cut penis head if big it hurt after using lub also because virgin girls hole always tighty till she is not pregent. I like my boyfriend cut penisspecially in my two hole known as mouth hole and cunt hole.

    • kumari

      Mr.Saxena, you are a real pervert. You are gross and have no sophistication in the way you speak. You are sexually frustrated because you come from that kind of background that looks down on women and rape them in the streets. In Delhi so many women are raped by men like you. Sexually starved idiots like you should be publicly flogged and humiliated, possibly castrated so your perverted mind is subdued.

    • Ronda

      LOL wtf, WEAK!

  • Vivian

    I’m surprised “vaginismus” wasn’t brought up. It’s a very real and debilitating biological structural disorder where the hymen is thicker than usual and thus very difficult to break. Hence, the woman will experience extreme pain upon any penetration — tampons, fingers, or anything else. There is a surgical procedure which can break the hymen for you, curing the condition.

    Sometimes, it’s not about lofty “psychological” anxiety and nervousness, and everything to do with actual legitimate physical conditions.

    • arjana

      isn’t that the condition called imperforate hymen? that is when the hymen has no opening an it can be very painful during sex.
      For sex not to be painful I think it is importnt for the guy to stretch you out with his fingers a few times. It is so easy when the guy uses lube. That stuff is magic!

  • lucy adams

    I really wanna have sex but im afraid it will hurt

    • amaline

      No wont hurt. Take time, let him finger you and eat you out till you are having an orgasm and keep enjoying foreplay for as long as you can. Use lube and just relax. Remember dont freeze up or tighten or close your legs while he is entering you. The more you relax the better. Also if he stretches you out with his fingers it makes it so much more easy.
      Sex is not painful. It is immensely pleasurable.

  • rachel

    why are all these 13 & 14 year olds having sex

    • saraLee

      I dont know why you think it is so wrong for 13 and 14 yr olds to be having sex.
      This is none of your business.

    • milagres

      because Rachel, the moment you hit puberty which is at 13 or 14 you start get sexually aroused, your hormones are working overtime, and you start exploring your self sexually and then you want to have sex. It is normal and natural to want to have sex when puberty hits.

    • amaline

      because Rachel, sex is normal and really is no big deal. And, BTW it is also very very pleasurable. Try it and you will see why the 13 yr olds are having sex. Have you even masturbated?

    • emmie boo

      because Rachel, guys like younger girls a lot. I am 14 and have a bf who is 8 yrs older. My brother who is 24 is dating my close friend and I know for sure hes been having sex with her ever since Ive known her for the last 2 years.

      • angie

        isnt sex about individual choice? 13 may be too young for some but surely if a 13 yr old wants to have sex and she is careful and taking all the right precautions then why is it anyone else’s business? A 13 yr old girl has sexual needs and desires too.

        • Anna Lynn

          You could not be more wrong Angie, if a 13 year old has desires of sex she was clearly raised wrong. If I would have even mention the idea I wouldn’t have been allowed to date until I was 18. Not that my parents didn’t teach me about it, but they also taught me self respect, you shouldn’t even be THINKING about sex at 13. What’s wrong with you people? SMH.

          • alex

            Hey , if a 13 year old wanna have sex they can. I’m 19 and I have a 13 year old girlfriend , and her mother accepts it . we had sex lastnite , in her mothers room , and her mother told us just don’t be loud , I kissed her , then ssucked on her neck , then she started rubbing my inner thigh , and kissed me and I got a Bonner , she took off my pants and she sucked my cock , and then I laid her in the bed , and sucked on her pussy lips , for like 30 mins , then licked my 2fingers and fingered her , and she was a virgin , so I stretched her hole out with my fingers , then I made her lay face down ass up , and I put lub on my dick , and I’m her vagina and I stuck the head in slowly , and she moaned , and then I stuck the rest in ,and also I kept taking my penis in and out of her pussy hole to stretch it out. And I cummed in her , and were having a boy .

  • Wise15yroldGurl

    If you are well lubricated and really aroused it will NOT hurt. Just let the guy explore you wih his tongue, let him finger you, encourage him to use his tongue in your vagina and just focus on reaching an orgasm. It doesnt hurt if you are well lubricated!

  • Clara

    HURT??? why should it hurt? I would be the first one to say it hurt if it did. I was 14 when I lost my virginity and my then bf who was 12 yrs older than me, was huge. He used a lot of lube and it worked a treat. Even though I was terrified, nervous and scared my first time, I enjoyed it so much and I hoped like hell he wouldnt stop. He kept going down on me a lot and he kept making me cum repeatedly. When he thought it was okay he said to me ” You are so ready and I can see you are very horny. I am going to take you now, just relax when I enter you and dont resist” and he opened me wide and off he went. I was so stunned and all I did was hold me breath as he pushed in harder and started thrusting. It was the best feeling and I just let him take me. I had the hugest orgasm almost instantly when he penetrated me.
    All I can say is, don’t go in with preconceived ideas. Just enjoy the feeling. It doesnt hurt and should not if you are really well lubricated and horny.

  • Ruby

    Nope doesnt hurt. Maybe a bit uncomfortable if you are not well lubricated. Girls go into sex believing it will hurt. It doesn’t have to hurt if you are well prepared, relaxed, comfortable with the guy, engage in a whole load of foreplay, make sure you have numerous orgasms before he penetrates you, engage in a lot of foreplay and oral sex. Try and do it when you have privacy and plenty of time. Also it helps to have an older bf who knows and understands your needs and can bring you to an explosive orgasm.
    I was extremely young when I started and I preferred to have an older bf who gave me the best time. He was really attentive to my needs and he took care of me knwoing I was so young. It was mutual. He liked me because I was young and I liked his confidence and patience and maturity. I adored the way he hugged and caressed me. I loved his kisses and cuddles. I was so comfortable with him. He let me be me.

  • Jodie-anne

    My first time was awesome and as every girl is, I was a bit nervous too, worried and anxious. I am not sure if I was “ready” or not and I dont think anyone will ever be 100% ready. There is no such thing as emotional or physical readiness.
    What I know was that I was prepared. My older bf prepared me well. He would go down on me several times and finger me till I had an orgasm. He would tell me that this was what it would feel like. He stretched my vagina with his fingers everytime he fingered me and said that he was preparing me for when he f***s me. This happened for several weeks and we would have prolonged foreplay. He would let me play and suck his erect penis and I can see now why he wanted to prepare me well before we f****d. Being so young, anything to me, was huge. But his penis when erect, was really thick, so thick that when I held it I could not get my fingers round it completely. He explained that it would feel really good for me if he f****d me but he explained to me that if I kept shutting my legs together while he was trying to enter me that it would slip and would be frustrating. He said that I had to keep my legs open to let him in and to relax and enjoy the whole feeling while he was forcing it into me.
    The week before my 14th birthday I confided in one of my best friends and told her what was going to happen. She was so good she covered for me and would answer the phone everytime my mom called. I was at his place all day and it was the most awesome experience. It went as planned. He used a lot of lube. It didnt hurt and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had numerous orgasms and even the bleeding wasnt a big deal. I think it was because I was prepared and he did a good job preparing me.
    So just chill and dont work yourself up. The important thing is to relax and enjoy the experience and not to feel any guilt. Nothing bad will happen if you take the right precautions and you know the guy well and feel secure with him. What you do and what age you are when you first have sex is only your business and no one else’s. If you are sensible and cool and if you make sure you take precautions then you will thoroughly enjoy the experience. Sex is enjoyable. Nothing to be ashamed of.

  • Jenn

    My first time having sex was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life.. Seriously. He almost couldn’t get it in. We were both virgins. After a bit, it gets better, and after a few times it doesn’t hurt at all. You just need to relax all your muscles and make sure you’re ready. If not, it’s gonna hurt a lot..
    It isn’t unbearable though πŸ™‚ have fun!

  • anka

    How stupid. If you are relaxed and well lubricated and prepared and you are having an orgasm when he is penetrating you there is never any pain. NEVER. There is the most tiny amount of bleeding. You wont even know you bled.
    Just let him finger you a lot. Let him lick you out till you are having an orgasm. You dont need to rush in to do it when having an orgasm. Just let him continue making you orgasm till you get that big continuous one. You will be thoroughly wet and moist when this happens. This is the best time to have him inside you. It will slip in so very very easily. It doesnt hurt but you must make sure you reach this point.
    Whe he starts penetrating you just let him go in all the way and deep into you. You will start having those orgasms all over again and spread your legs wide. He will love whan you do that because that will be a indication for him that you are enjoying it and want him to penatrate you harder and deeper and you will enjoy this when he does go in deep. The thrusting will make you moan and bring out the most intense sensations and orgasms it is mind blowing.
    Have fun πŸ˜›

    • sweetkitty

      I agree with anka. My first time was awesome. Never hurt. Had the hugest orgasm when he entered me. I was already very wet and ready for him. He went down on me several times and made me cum a lot before he entered me. I didnt even realised I bled a bit. It wasnt obvious just when I wiped it showed a bit. My bf was a lot older and more experienced and thats why I think he knew what to do and how to prepare me for sex. I stayed with him the whole weekend. I felt a bit bruised and sore on Monday and while at school I could tell that things had happened. My undies were a bit stained for a few days after that. But I cannot believe how much we did it that weekend. Even though I was very ready he used a lot of lube to penetrate me each time he entered me. I think I needed the lube so he could thrust deep and hard. My best friends knew what had happened and they kept asking me how it all went and if it hurt. They were surprised that I had the best time and it never hurt. I told them that the fact he was older and a lot more experienced might have had something to do with the best experience I have ever had. No regrets. I was a very satisfied customer at 13. LOL. πŸ˜›

  • Marshmallow

    My first time was pretty sore at the beginning. My bf and I were both virgins so he needed some guiding into the right spot

  • sam

    have him finger you lots b4 having sex take times and go slowly start with one finger and eventually work your way up fingering may hurt a bit but goin slow and stretching your vagina slowly helps a ton iwas in the same position you are and now sex like never hurts the first time never even really hurt just get really wet lots of foreplay and then go for it the small amount of pressure at the beginning is so worth the end πŸ˜‰

  • Gina

    Hey girls!
    I wanted to leave some advice I thought might be helpful. I’m a senior in high school, incredibly petite, and I lost my virginity this month with my boyfriend. Because I had never used a tampon before, sex hurt–a lot–for me. Many things affected my experience, such as the friction of the condom, lack of lubrication, and my anxiety over the pain. It took a few tries for my hymen to ‘break’ and for me to bleed, but it hurt a lot for me. I even cried. I don’t mean to scare you guys, because everyone’s experiences are different. Just be patient, use lube, and relax. Relax relax relax! And enjoy πŸ™‚

  • Pingback: Tyra Banks Models In Whiteface To Pay Tribute And More Liks()

  • Cutebloom

    Gurl my advice- dont jump right into sex
    My first time dint hurt at all-and mind you my boyfriend is big
    My boo was really patient with me
    For a few months,hed rub me and finger me-first one then two with time and we’d dry hump even when in bed. He’d only get into me as much as i’d feel comfortable and take it deeper every next time.
    I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. So once he was just asking me if I was feeling any pain. BUt I was already “Oh god ,don’t stop “. YAy !
    After that, there was him going in and out and we have a great sex life.
    The key word is- patience and understanding πŸ™‚