I want to have sex with my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for a while. We’re both virgins. The only thing is, I’m kind of scared to do it. The reason I’m scared isn’t because I don’t feel ready, it’s because people keep telling me that your first time hurts really badly. I don’t use tampons because even those hurt me, so I feel like this will be even worse. So now I’m terrified to have sex. Please help me!
Okay, I’ll be honest with you here: having sex for the first time usually hurts… but that pain is different for everybody. It might hurt a lot for some people, while others will only feel a little bit of pain. The best way to describe the feeling is as sort of pressure down there. But while the pain you experience when you lose your virginity is definitely a little scary to think about, it’s nothing that should make you feel super terrified. It’s not that bad!
How much pain you feel when you have sex for the first time depends on a lot of different things, like how big your partner is, how fast or slow he’s going, how wet or dry you are down there and how nervous you are. This is a good thing, because that means that you can control things at least a little bit. The first thing to know is that the more nervous you are, the harder it’s going to be and the more it’s going to hurt. That’s because when you’re nervous, your body tenses up (including your down there area), even if you don’t realize it’s happening. That obviously would make it harder to squeeze something in there, you know what I mean?
If you’re really worried about the pain, you should also ask your boyfriend to take things slow and to be really careful. Another way to make things easier is to make sure you’re lubricated down there – sometimes being nervous can make you dry, so try using a little lube. You can buy that separately or you can get condoms that have lube on them.
I would also recommend putting a tampon in before you try having sex. Use a light tampon, which is small and should be easier to get in. Do it carefully and slowly, using a mirror. I know it’s uncomfortable, but you just need to relax and push through the pain. Once you start using tampons, you’ll start to stretch yourself out a little, making it easier to have sex.
However, there’s really no getting around the fact that sex for your first time is probably going to hurt a little bit. You can make it better, but you can’t take it away completely. You just sort of have to push through the pain (although if it’s KILLING you, that’s a problem and you should stop) and get past it. It won’t hurt forever and in the worst case, you may just feel a little sore for a few hours afterwards. Don’t let that fear ruing your excitement over your first time! Think of it this way: everyone who has had sex has all experienced it and we all seem okay, right? Right.
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org