I Dated My Best Friend’s Ex-Boyfriend & Now She Hates Me

Dear Heather,

I need advice about my old best friend. Last year, I went through a really bad breakup and my best friend at the time was there to support me. Even though she was amazing, I did the wrong thing. Out of loneliness, I turned to my male friend (who also happened to be her ex) and we became friends with benefits and sort of dated. But after a little bit, I realized I was being stupid and put a stop to it. I also told my best friend the truth out of guilt. She was extremely hurt, but after a couple of months, things seemed more normal… until he told me he really liked me and she found out.

It’s been over eight months since this happened and we have barely spoken. Even worse, she has replaced me with her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who she used to hate. It breaks my heart to look at her and know how stupid I was and how awful I treated someone I considered my sister. I’m so scared of talking to her since now she’s so cold towards me, but how do I try to fix our friendship? I’m lonely and desperate.

Losing a best friend is never easy, so I can understand how difficult this is for you to go through. However, I can also understand your friend’s side of the story. Even though you feel really guilty about what happened, she probably still feels very hurt and betrayed. 

As someone who has been on the other side of this story (my best friend dated my ex a while ago), I probably have a good idea of what your old BFF is going through. I don’t want to make you feel any worse than you already do, but in order to get through this, it’s important for you to put yourself in her shoes and understand what she’s feeling.

Your friend probably feels very betrayed, hurt and confused. A person she really trusted (you) betrayed her even when she was trying to be a good friend. Something like that is really difficult to forget about. Then, after you apologized and she was just starting to feel better about it, her ex brought the whole thing up again. Even though what he said wasn’t your fault, it probably brought up a lot of bad memories for her. Since her trust was already betrayed, it was probably very difficult for her to believe anything else you said. She probably figured she should move on from both of you in order to feel better.

So, honestly, I can’t really blame her for acting the way she’s acting now. This was probably very tough for her and in her pain, she turned to someone else who she felt like she could relate to (she could talk trash about her ex with HIS ex, you know? They probably bonded over their mutual hatred of him). Sometimes when people get very hurt, they choose to move on rather than try to fix things. You can’t always blame them for that.

That being said, you need to stop beating yourself up for this. You made a mistake – it’s okay. Mistakes happen, especially when it comes to emotionally messy world of relationships. You need to forgive yourself and now you need to move on, with or without your old friend.

If you’re really intent on trying to fix your friendship, consider writing her a letter and telling her exactly how you feel. You can try talking face-to-face if you want, but that might not work. Sometimes it’s easier to write things down so your friend can process your feelings on her own time. Let her know how genuinely sorry you are and how much you miss her and then give her time. Don’t push her – she needs time to deal with this, maybe even a really long time. One day she might come around, but until then, all you can do is tell her how you feel. Begging for her forgiveness is not going to win her back. Let her take the time she needs to heal and maybe one day you guys can be friends again.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com


What to do when your two best friends start dating

Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter

Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
Tags: , ,
  • cami

    I’m going through the same thing. I want to be her friend but I am in love with my boyfriend (who is her ex). I d k what to do.

  • Karmen

    Sad try to make a new best friend then you will feel better