Why I Don’t Think You Should Have Sex On The First Date

When it comes to dating, there are some rules that we’ve all heard of and maybe even try to follow. One of the biggest dating rules seems to be this: don’t have sex on the first date. There are tons of studies on the subject, people are always debating whether it’s a good idea or not and sometimes, it actually does seem to have an effect on how the relationship is going to turn out. 

Maybe I’m being a little bit old-fashioned about this and maybe a lot of you will disagree with me, but here goes: personally, I don’t think you should have sex on the first date.

Let me make this clear before we go any further: I am not trying to shame anyone who has sex on the first date. If you want to do that, go for it. Sex is a really personal thing and anyone else’s sex life is none of my business. You should have sex when you feel comfortable and ready and if that happens to be on the first date? Okay. I’m just saying that, personally, I wouldn’t have sex on the first date – and I would never advise anyone else to. Here’s why. 

For me, first dates are about getting to know each other – and personally, I like to really get to know someone before I hit the sack with them. I like to find out more about them – who they are, who they’ve dated, what they want, what they’re doing with the life. In general, I like to get a better sense of who they are as a person. And, unless it’s the best first date in the history of the world, it’s hard for me to find out all of this after just one date.

Personally, I need to feel super comfortable with someone before I can have sex with them. I’m a shy and awkward girl and so it can take me a little while to feel that level of comfort with a guy, especially a guy I have a crush on. This is why I like to wait a few dates before I get into bed with someone. There are some people in this world who are outgoing, friendly and instantly become best friends with everyone. I am not one of these people. How am I supposed to get naked with someone I’m so nervous about? Not only is it hard for me to do, but it also pretty much ensures that the hookup will be awkward because I will be so freaked out.

I’ve found that as soon as sex gets involved, things tend to get a little messier. I’m generally a big, moody mess… and once I have sex with someone, my emotions get a little out of whack. Suddenly, the relationship is on another level – and if I’m not on that level mentally, things get seriously confusing.

I want to like a guy because he’s nice to me, he’s funny, we have some common interests, etc. I don’t want to like a guy just because I had sex with him and now I’m feeling a little emotionally attached. On the flip side, I want a guy to like me because he likes me for the person I am. I don’t want him to just like me for sexual reasons. Basically what I’m trying to say is this: I like to develop a deeper connection with someone before I sleep with them. Sometimes, I feel like a lot of other girls feel this way too – but for various reasons, whether it’s pressure or just an attempt to feel loved, they give in and do it before they’re ready.

The one time I did give in and have sex right away, before I was ready, I ended up regretting it for a long, long time. Before it happened, he was so sweet and nice and perfect that I thought maybe things could work out, even if we did it right away. I was wrong. After it happened, he immediately turned into a huge jerk. He blew me off and made me feel incrediby stupid. After that experience, I swore to myself that it would never happen again. It wasn’t about the fact that the guy didn’t seem to respect me – it was more about the fact that I didn’t respect myself for that decision. I knew I should have waited and I didn’t. I put myself out of my comfort zone and, for once, it didn’t feel good at all.

Yes, this is just my experience. There are millions of other peope out there and I’m sure a bunch of them have experienced something different. I’m completely aware that there are studies that conclude that sex on the first date can lead to a stable, happy relationship. That’s so great for those people! I just know that it would probably never work that way for me. I need to give myself time to decide if I really want to take that step with a person. That might sound lame, but it’s just the way I feel.

What do you think about sex on the first date? Do you ever do it? Would you? Do you agree or disagree with me? Tell me in the comments.

 

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11 Comments

  1. avatar lila says:

    The ONLY reason not to have sex on the first date is so you can get to know hiw SEXUAL HISTORY. You want to know if the guy has any STDs ( herpes, chlamydia etc etc)
    Morals, religion, society’s views, the law, mom’s or dad’s views, what my friends will think etc etc ARENT THE REASONS.
    You need to make sure the idiot is clean and is not carrying anything exotic or dangerous.
    To me that has to be the only reason. For me I want to enjoy the physically enjoyable aspects of sex, some intimacy and the closeness. I want to get into it full steam without holding back. For that, I need a guarantee that the idiot is NOT carrying any disease and he does not have a “leaky or spotty cock” hehehehe. No medical no sex. Sorry guys. My vag is too precious and very clean. I want it that way for years to come. I dont want to end up with PID or herpes or cervical cancer. So guys clean up or you are not coming near me. I am very attractive and have a huge choice of guys. So if you want to be one with a chance, go get checked up and be clean. I hate smelly, crusty, leaky spotty dicks. If you are carrying a disease you need to be eliminated from the gene pool. You dont deserve a girl.

  2. avatar Makyla Anaya says:

    i feel like you should probably get to know the person a little better, and if you already do but its still the first date and you really like the guy, do it! :)

  3. avatar TiTi says:

    I think that’s a personal decision, I have did this before and I have also waited before. In my opinion neither decision really matters because a guy won’t tell you that’s all that they won’t whether it’s the 1st date or the 5th if thats all they really want its going to end the same way regardless. My current relationship my bf tried on the 1st date but I turned him down, the next night however, it happened and we have been together for a year and is expecting a baby girl in January.

  4. avatar Jordan says:

    I personally feel more comfortable having sex earlier on as
    1) I want to
    2) At least I know if they want to continue seeing me it’s for me and not for what might happen in the bedroom

    I do understand where you are coming from but I’ve also had a bad experience where I fell for my ex and finally gave in after a year an he completely changed and acted like he deserved it rather that respecting me and appreciating my decision to.
    All the guys I have slept with apart from him I have felt treated me with respect and were grateful for having shared the experience with me. I am still good friends with most of them and they are lovely people even though it didn’t grow to be anything more.
    Although if I’m serious about a guy and want the sex to mean something I wait till we have hungout a few times then maybe the third date so I get where you’re coming from :) I just like fun casual sex too.

  5. avatar meeeoooowwww says:

    Heya Stella, I think your emotions have overtaken your logical side of your brain. Have you even understood what she was trying to imply?? I guess not because if you did you would not have made such a poor reply.
    I believe she was trying to say that no matter what you do to try and assess the guys intent, you are never going to understand if the guy really wants you or your body. So, her argument was that waiting, wining and dining, having a conversation, meeting his parents etc etc etc are not fool proof in deciding his intent. And that is the truth !
    I believe her comments are very practical. It may have offended you but thats the problem. She was just making things more clear for those with “fairy tale” ideas

  6. avatar Rae says:

    I personally wouldn’t have sex on the first date unless you’ve known this person for awhile and can trust them. It’s your body, and you may do as you please, but keep in mind that there can be emotional and physical consequences to sleeping with someone who you don’t know all that well.
    I just feel that it’s dangerous. I mean, on the first date, most people aren’t that forthcoming about personal things, like STIs and things of that nature. You may want sex and they’re too nervous to tell you about their STI, so they don’t say anything or lie to avoid rejection.
    I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Truthfully, if it lasts, it lasts and if it doesn’t, you probably won’t remember. If you like this guy enough to have sex on the first date…wait, learn about him some more. Because, if he’s all that intriguing in the first place, you can wait awhile to allow the sexual tension to build and the sex will be all that better. It’ll be worth the wait if he’s worth the wait.
    That’s all I have to say.

  7. avatar deusayara says:

    I’ve had sex on the first date and we dated for three months. We broke up for a reason that had nothing to do with sex, so I don’t regret it at all. But I don’t know if I’d do it again, it depends on how comfortable the person makes me feel. I definitely don’t make this a rule. Whether ir happens on our first, third or fifth date, it should only matter how that person makes you feel.

  8. avatar Carmen says:

    I agree 100%. I wouldn’t have sex on the first date because I would like to get know the person and found out if they are really interested in me or if they just want to have sex with me.

    • avatar lizzybebe says:

      hehehe dangling sex like a carrot to a donkey? wow.
      It is such a pity that girls use sex that way. What’s the dollar value for that “commodity?”
      So you would view everyguy with that kind of abnormal suspicion? How are you going to decide that he is not after “just the sex” after all. Some guys are extremely good at guile. What time frame would you impose before you decided he was genuine or is it from just his manner and style that you would make that judgement.
      Would you consider that if he wined and dined you at the finest restaurant that such a style might be that he wanted to get through to you through your emotional side so he could have his way with getting intimate and sexual?
      Do you see how your statement seems so empty? I cannot believe girls would think in this manner.
      So how would you get to know this person??? I envisage that you will be very disappointed because of your expectations and methods you might use to make such an assesment.

      • avatar Stella says:

        You know, you don’t have to be so bitchy about other people’s choices. I also wait for sex not because I view it as a commodity. Quite the opposite actually. For me, I need to have an emotional connection with the guy that develops after the first few dates. If you want to have sex on the first date then fine, but don’t judge girls who wait. They’re NOT “dangling sex like a carrot for a donkey” they’re simply choosing to wait until they’re ready because you should only ever have sex once YOU are ready.

        And I’m not sure how YOU get to know people but normal people do it through conversation and spending time with that person. And for the average girl, it has nothing to do with how much money the guy throws at her. For you to even make such a conclusion says far more about you than anyone else.

        • avatar Nadine says:

          Stella it is a pity you have not understood what “lizzybebe” was trying to say.
          She says that no matter what technique you as a girl use to decide if he is genuine or not, it will always be difficult to make that assesment.
          Her argument was that just waiting, or having a conversation or from your method of just spending time with the guy, none of those methods are 100% helpful in making your decision.
          So she was saying that no matter what you do, you will never know for sure.
          I dont think you understood her comments but you at once became defensive and took offence.
          All she was doing was being practical.

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