I Regret Losing My Virginity. Now What?

Dear Heather,

Last week, I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. We were both virgins and I was actually a little under the influence. We both got caught up in the moment and things happened really quickly and suddenly. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it at the time, it just wasn’t exactly how I planned my first time. To be honest, we had both been talking about getting married before ever becoming that physical. Now I feel really uneasy about our relationship. He is three years older than I am and I trust him, but since we had sex, I’ve had all these insecurities about what his real intentions are. I’m worried he only wanted to date me to have sex and now he might break up with me. What should I do?

I’m so sorry that your first time didn’t go as planned! It stinks when an important moment in our lives doesn’t live up to our expectations and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this regret and worry right now. But here’s the truth: losing your virginity is not always as incredible and magical as movies and TV shows make it seem. There is no right way to lose your virginity. For some people, it might be perfect and for others, it might end up being awkward, confusing, weird and just downright bad. The good news is that you have plenty of time to make up for this one bad time.

I totally understand that you’re disappointed that your first time wasn’t exactly what you expected (I feel the same way about my first time if that makes you feel any better!). Now you have two options: you can continue to regret it and beat yourself up for what happened, or you can move on, accept that it wasn’t fantastic and focus on the future. I think the second option is your best bet. There is nothing you can do to change the past – regretting it is never going to make you feel better. I’m not saying you can’t be bummed about it, I’m just saying that dwelling on it is only going to make you feel worse.

As for being worried about your relationship – I can’t tell you what your boyfriend is going to do or how he’s feeling. Ask yourself these questions: why are you worried about his intentions? Why do you think he’s going to break up with you? Has he been acting differently since you two had sex? If you feel like he’s been acting distant and might have used you, you need to talk to him about how you feel. Be honest with him and let him know what you’re thinking and what you want. That’s the only way you’ll know for sure.

But please don’t feel ashamed about the way you lost your virginity. It sounds like you got caught up in your emotions and did something you weren’t planning on doing. I know that you were planning on waiting until after marriage, but like I told this girl, it’s okay to change your beliefs as you get older. Don’t regret losing your virginity – learn from the experience and forgive yourself.

take care,
Heather

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • positive attitude

    Regret is a negative emotion and is a kind of guilt feeling that is generated when an experience does not meet expectations.
    So why does having sex or losing ones virginity lead to regret. Why should it lead to regret?
    The answer to this is because of many things. Firstly the feeling of guilt commences with the sexual act. I honestly think our minds have been moulded to think that way, especially us girls. I dont think boys suffer from regret when they first have sex in the same way as girls do. Having sex is much more an acceptable thing with boys and how they are viewed if they have had sex.
    Guilt also stems from the value (moral, religious, societal) placed on a girls virginity. A girl feels this is a huge “gift” and “sacrifice” they are making for the boy and hence losing ones virginity MUST happen in the setting of a permanent committment. What a load of horrible crap is that. Who decides that for us girls? Why is this price tag put on our virginity? Why cant we decide ourselves, without anyone else’s judgement, what is right or wrong for us? why do we need society dictating to us what is right or wrong and when or with whom we should have sex?
    Expectations is probably by far one of the key things that are instrumental in generating regrets. What happens is that we raise our expectations too high. We want fairy tales to happen. We believe it will be permanent spring time with the birds and flowers in full swing when we lose our virginity. Then once the act takes place and we fall from that high, we realise it was good but…ummmm..there certainly is not that fairy tale kind of overwhelming feeling within you. In the meanwhile you have shared your vulnerability, emotions and closeness in that intimate moment and you feel a kind of attachment and closeness and want a committment from the guy. The guy of course does not make any promises and soon you are on that emotional roller coaster crying, sobbing and very tearful, regretting you did something real bad and now all is lost.
    So the solutions are very obvious from what I have just said.
    Regret on the other hand can be productive. It makes you refocus and take control and to help develop and pursue a new corrective path.
    The way to overcme regret is to understand or treat regret as an experience. You learn from it and grow and mature from that experience.
    Sex is to be enjoyed whether it is your first time or hundreth time. It is very common to have mixed feelings after your first time. First time for anything in life are always like that. But the clever thing is to learn from that experience.
    Also, remember when you have sex for the first time make sure you are protected from pregnancy and STDs. If any of those things happen then that makes the feeling of regret even more intense and problematic. Think wisely, not negatively.
    I was 14 when I lost my virginity. I loved the guy. He adored me. He was 11 years older than me and I didnt tell anyone. Only 2 of my best friends knew. We are still together 2 years later

  • don’t lose it to anyone

    I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I do not regret it. I am in love with him, and he is in love with me. Dont just have sex with ANYONE. At LEAST make him wait a year before you guys have sex.

  • Penny

    I feel the same way and I am in my twenties. I met a guy about a month ago like something out of a movie and we had great chemistry and a lot in common. However, 3 weeks in we slept together on his birthday. It was my first time and apparently his third but I felt so ashamed and used. I literally just walked out in the morning without waking or texting him. And thinking we would still be together I haven’t seen him since, just got some creepy texts about him being depressed and sad and not wanting to commit to anything at the moment. So please learn from my mistake and take your time to not just lose it to some guy you get a long with, who may have deeper issues.

    • starryeyedcutie

      I dont believe what I am reading. You agreed to sleep with him. You then felt guilty and walked out on him and now you call him a creep.
      You are just unbelievable.
      Why cant you just take responsibility for what you did rather than blaming him for “using you”
      Wow, you deserve what you get. Shame.

  • Judy

    Don’t let guilt overwhelm you, teenagemess and UNOwen! Sex is a healthy and normal part of life. You aren’t normal if you don’t think about it and do it! There has got to be forgivness in your religion. I’ll bet you both masturbate and I’ll bet your religion considers that a sin also. If that is true, then why not find a steady partner to have intercourse with and you can give pleasure to a guy and receive pleasure from him in return. I am seventeen and my first time was just before my thirteenth birthday. I’vd had sex ever since and now I make it a part of my life at least three times a week

  • Rhonda

    If your boy friend dumps you, he is an idiot! I don’t think he will. If you trust him he must be a pretty nice guy! As you say “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it at the time” then you and he must have been thinking about having sex. It might not be what you planned but it was spontaneous and that shows you two are comfortable enough to maintain your relationhip. You must know each other very well. Your question was written on July 8,2013 so I hope you’ve had sex with him many times since then. I wish you all the best.

  • Shaniyah556

    My bf said he will never leave me so im going to trust his words

  • Yen

    I have the same situation now. i Really feel bad about myself when i had the chance to break up with my 3 yr bf 2 mos ago.. I was just afraid because he suffered from stroke last yr and could affect his recovery. he easily gets mad at me everytime we argue on simple things to the point he’s grabbing may face and arm somtimes threatening to beat me with his fist. I really dont know what to do, ive drown to the fact that it was normal since he was my first bf and he told me once that it was all my fault. I got bored and my excitement everytime we see each other is no longer there unlike before (including sex)Pls help!

  • teenagemess

    I know this sounds weird but this is exactly what happened to me. The only thing is in my religion it’s a sin to have sex before marriage and that’s also why I regret it even more. But this really did help.

    • UNOwen

      I know! in my religion is a sin too! and it happened to me, when i talked to the guy afterwards, we broke up… but Heather´s advice helped a lot!!! and now i just feel a little sad but i know it´s ok! and I usually pray to make the sin a little less bad…

      • Lily

        I’m so sorry that all of that happened. I’m 14 and I don’t believe in sex till marriage ,because like you said it’s a sin. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about what you did, because God can forgive and take away the guilt but you have to let Him. In the Bible it says the wages of sin is death and I truly believe when you sin ,alittle of your soul does die. I’m am not religious just to tell you I actually hate religion cause it makes God sound like some freaky thing. I love God, I don’t go around throwing holy water on people or stuff like that. Christians should love each other and God. The Bible isn’t a book of don’t do’s because I don’t want you be happy , It’s of don’t do’s because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt.

      • gymjunkie

        What religion are you both?
        If you are Christian, where does it say 1)that sex before marriage is a sin, 2) that as a teen you must not have sex 3) that is you masturbate it is a sin 4) that if you are a teen you must not have sex with an older guy.
        The Commandments say,
        a) thou shall not commit adultry ( ie after marriage to have sex with someone else other than your spouse)
        b) Thou shall not covet thy neighbours wife.

        No where does it say anything about the other aspects I have highlighted.

        Sex, masturbation is NORMAL and NATURAL and part of being a mammal !

        It is a NORMAL bodily function

    • Theresa

      Don’t regret it teenagemess. You can find forgivness in your religion. Sex is normal and its okay to not only think about sex but to have sex! The same goes for you, UNOwen. Does your religion consider masturbation a sin? If you do masturbate then find youselves some steady nice guys to have intercourse with. You can give pleasure as well as receive pleasure. There is ALWAYS forgiviness so you must get rid of the guilt and regret. My first time was when I was thirteen and Jerry was fifteen. It was enjoyable and actually made me proud that an older boy wanted to fuck me!. Jerry and I are good friends and we still have sex but are not exclusive to each other. Just be sure to practice safe sex, pill and condom, and by all means make sure you know and trust the guys with whom you have sex!

  • Gicelle

    You know, I kind of think it would be cool to save yourself too, but I also made a pact with myself: I would never judge myself or hold it against myself if I had sex before than, because if you really trust and love the person, than it’s for the right reasons=) Even if it didn’t live up to your expectations-you can’t have known that.

    • Savvy

      Exactly! So many religions pressure young adults and teens to keep viginity until marriage, but then I know of couples who get married after knowing each other only for a month and then lose it to each other! I honestly think this is worse than an unmarried couple that have been together for YEARS and then lose their virginity to each other. Really, marriage isn’t magically going to make you comfortable around each other, and it’s not going to make sex right. I also know of cases where religious women are raped by their husbands but nothing is done about it because she’s married to him! Terribly sad.
      Virginity is meant for some one who actually knows almost everything about you and you know almost everything about them in return, you’re comfortable with the knowlegde you have about each other, you love each other, respect each other, are committed to each other, want to use as much protection as possible, and both are willing to take responsibility should any pregnancy or STDs happen. While marriage is supposed to mean that, it doesn’t always.

      • virgoptrex

        Actually retaining virginity till marriage is a very good thing not only due to religious reasons but also psychological/logical reasons(unless you want to say you lost virginity to your hand or vibrator 😉 ). I am in my early 30s male and virgin. I get approached by American girls (I find it difficult to comprehend that they are virgins first of all – they may lie too) many times since I exercise, over 6+ feet and reasonably good looking – but I want to ensure I marry a virgin girl because it would be unfair to me otherwise. It makes men like me specifically very comfortable to know there will not be an emotional baggage of previous relationships and fear of STDs associated with sex with their wives. Both women and men should stop being whores and players respectively and get laid only upon marriage. It will also reduce divorce rates significantly. Usually, virginity is a good indicator that you have self control – very less chances of cheating post marriage (due to lust or infatuation). Also family planning should be discussed prior to marriage. This is good for overall health of the family.