I’m Starting To Change My Mind About Sex Before Marriage – Help!

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months. Like many other couples, we’ve had our “hot moments.” I always said that I never wanted to lose my virginity before marriage, but lately I’ve been having second thoughts. When we hang out, we end up touching each other and rubbing. We’ve talked about saving sex until marriage, but it’s very tempting. We both think about it and even almost did it once, but I felt so guilty that I stopped. I don’t know what to do and I’m really confused and scared of the outcome if we do have sex. I’m scared of what might happen afterwards. What should I do?

I can understand why you feel guilty about this – changing your mind about an issue this big and important to you can be difficult – but that doesn’t mean you should feel guilty. Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sexual desire is natural and it’s normal for you to have these feelings, especially as you get closer and closer to someone you love.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being religious and choosing not to have sex before marriage. If that is something that you want and that’s the way you want to live your life, that’s fine. But I think it’s only okay if it is what you truly want. As we get older, sometimes our views on things change. Things that were once important to us become less important. Things we never thought we would want suddenly become the things we want the most. That’s okay and it’s normal to feel a little uneasy about it. But just because you once thought something different doesn’t mean it’s completely wrong.

If you feel like you really want to have sex and feel comfortable with the idea of taking that step with your boyfriend, then you shouldn’t stop yourself from doing it just because you feel guilty about going against a belief you once had. When I was in 8th grade, I went to a Catholic school and made a pact with my friend that we wouldn’t have sex before marriage. A few years later, I changed my mind. It happens and it’s okay.

However, if you really, really want to stick with this belief and wait until after marriage to have sex, then do that. If this is something that is extremely important to you, wait it out. When it comes to sex, there will always be temptation, especially if you have a boyfriend you’re attracted to and you guys are making out and touching each other. It’s okay to be tempted and it’s also okay to say no.

If you do decide to have sex, don’t worry – nothing is going to happen afterwards, provided you use protection and are careful. No one is going to know unless you tell them and you don’t have to tell anyone because it’s your business. Having sex before marriage doesn’t mean you have to lose every other belief you’ve ever had, it just means you’re doing things your way. Do what ultimately feels right for you.

take care,
Heather

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Angela

    From experience I can say I was physically and mentally ready at thirteen so were my sisters, Sally who is now fifteen and Nancy who is thirteen. All three of us have sex and tell each other everything. We go to our parents, both mom and dad for advice. Our family has a healthy, open attitude about sex. Our religion doesn’t believe in sex before marriage but our whole family does as long as we practice safe sex. We also tell mom and dad everthing!

  • cat

    Contraception is not the foolproof assurance it ISS marketed as. I would not wish the torment of abortion on any woman, particularly a young woman. Sex may gratify your desires short term but may damage and confuse your relationship. If you break up with this guy, you sleeping with him can cause bitter regret in future relationships as well as being broadcast to your friends against your will…..trust me even the most seemingly devoted guys boast about their conquests to at least one friend.

  • cat

    I strongly advise you wait. Having sex forms an unbreakable bond that you may deeply regret as you get older. I know this from personal experience. From a religious perspective, God doesn’t say no to sex before marriage to be a spoilsport. Our sexuality is the most powerful faculty humans posess as it enables us to participate in creating new life and intensely express love. Marriage provides the most stable, loving environment for new life to be nurtured. Contraception is

    • awkwardGal22

      Your personal experience isn’t her personal experience. A lot of people have casual sex without forming an ‘unbreakable bond’ ever! Marriage isnt always stable for everyone. People divorce, there are single mothers and fathers who can create a loving environment without another parent

  • Meg

    Do not have sex unless you feel you are prepared for everything that comes with it. Your period will be late after you have sex, you might have a pregnancy scare if you’re a hypochondriac. Don’t do it. You and your boyfriend can do other fun things to get rid of some tension, but you don’t have to let go of you believes because it got that close. If it will make you feel guilty afterwards or even during, STOP. He should respect you, and not push you, and if he doesn’t and just wants sex than he isn’t the right guy for you.
    Ultimately it boils down to: Are you prepared for everything that comes with sex? If yes, than talk about it with your partner, and do it if you absolutely want to. If no, go on a cute date and make other couples jealous that you two are still innocent.

  • Theresa

    I am fifteen and my advice is just go ahead and do it. You certainly sound ready to have sex. If you do, you will experience the best pleasure in your life. It was fantastic for me anyway.
    As heather says “If you do decide to have sex, don’t worry – nothing is going to happen afterwards, provided you use protection and are careful. No one is going to know unless you tell them and you don’t have to tell anyone because it’s your business. Having sex before marriage doesn’t mean you have to lose every other belief you’ve ever had, it just means you’re doing things your way. Do what ultimately feels right for you.”

  • karina

    does your mom or parents , sude they have anything to do with you desition of having sex before marriage ?

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