I like this guy in my grade and he’s told me he likes me, we go out sometimes and have made out. The problem is, he has a girlfriend. He says he’s not in love with her and doesn’t like her…so why won’t he just dump her and be with me? I don’t understand!!
Dear Lizy in a Love Triangle,
Oh, Lizy. I have been where you are – many times – and it never ends well. Lemme tell you a story: a few years ago I was an editor at FHM magazine (before it folded) and was regaling my poor 20-year-old male intern with my love life woes. I was dating a guy, Cory, who had a GF, but he CLEARLY liked me more. I went into needless detail, a 20 minute saga, insisting that my situation was complex and so different from the trillions of other girls who have fallen for a taken man.
Finally, at minute 26, Carlos put up a hand to silence me.
“Shallon,” he said sternly, “he’s just a jerk who likes having two girlfriends. Period.”
BOOM! CRACK! KAPOW! A huge lightning bolt hit me. He was SO RIGHT. Of course! Of course he just plain liked having two girls to fawn over him! And guess who was stopping him? NO ONE. I certainly wasn’t – I continued to date/sleep with him knowing he was taken. And his GF probably had no idea.
Carlos continued: “I mean, what is really stopping him from dumping his girlfriend? They aren’t married or living together. No kids. No joint car or pet. It doesn’t get any easier than that.”
Again, huge epiphany. I (and I’m sure a lot of you) have been dumped with one quick text, one brief phone call, one 5-minute meet up. It’s really not that “complicated” at all, despite what Cory wanted me to believe.
The point it: neither is your situation. I wish that your dude was a good guy who could just pick one girl but listen: he’s not. He’s not a good guy. He’s a jerk who likes having two girlfriends. He likes it now, and he’ll like it when he’s older, too, and probably when he’s married. That’s just how he is. You can’t change it. But you CAN change your behavior. Cut him off. No texts, no nothing. Cold turkey. Draw the boundary and DO NOT CROSS IT. It will be hard, it will be painful, but it will also be the best possible decision you can make.
And remember: if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. And don’t we deserve more than that?