Am I A Lesbian? How Do I Know If I’m Gay Or Bisexual?

Dear Heather,

I have sort of a weird question and I don’t know if you can help me, but we’ll see. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I might be a lesbian. I sometimes fantasize about other girls and I kind of feel like I have a crush on one of my friends. I always notice when girls are really cute, I feel like I do that more than my friends do. I’ve watched lesbian porn before and I’m into it. But I dated a guy before, so I don’t get it! I’m totally freaked out and confused. I feel so weird and scared. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? How do I know? Please help!

The first thing I want you to know is that it’s totally normal for you to feel confused and frustrated right now. Figuring out your sexuality can be a very confusing time and there’s nothing wrong with anything that you’re feeling – but please don’t feel like you’re weird! If you are a lesbian or bisexual, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The second thing I want you to know is that while I can give you some advice on figuring out your sexuality, I can’t tell you for sure whether you’re gay or not – that’s something that you have to figure out on your own. Some people say they have known that they were gay since they were little kids, and for others, it takes a little bit longer to come to that conclusion. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

However, there are some things you can think about to help you try to figure things out. Have you ever had a crush on a girl? Think about it – it sounds like you do, but you might not want to admit it. Are your feelings of attraction towards girls stronger than your feelings for guys? Imagine yourself kissing a girl and then imagine kissing a guy – which is more exciting to you? Consider your future: would you rather be with a man or a woman? How often do you fantasize about girls? Do you think about girls more than guys? You say you’re into lesbian porn – are you into heterosexual porn at all also?

I know you probably feel super confused because you dated a guy once and now you feel like you’re into girls. First of all, a lot of lesbians have dated guys before they fully came to the conclusion that they were a lesbian, so don’t feel like you’re weird for doing that. Second of all, that could mean that you’re bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting a little bit to sort things out. Did you like dating that guy? Did you do it because you felt like you had to? Why did you guys break up?

Think about these questions, but know that none of these can give you an absolute answer. There are no right or wrong answers. I know it sounds confusing, but my point is that your sexuality is a big thing – there’s no one question or quiz that will give you an answer. You kind of just need to figure it out on your own. If there is anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this, I’d definitely encourage you to do that. It may help you work things out and may feel good to get your thoughts out.

Just remember: it doesn’t matter if you’re a lesbian or bisexual or straight, that doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. You should never feel ashamed of your sexuality or feel embarrassed over who you like. In the end, being true to yourself is the  best way to make yourself happy. It may take a while to feel fully comfortable with your sexuality, but know that you’re not alone. Good luck!

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Liz

    I’m in my first year of high school (yes, I’m that young) I have thought for many years that I was bisexual or bi-curious and… I have been thinking so much.. I came across the thought of being lesbian many, many times. I have always pushed it aside and tell myself I like guys. I really don’t know if I do, I have kissed both a girl and a guy before. Girls seem to attract me more. I think and fantasize about girls all the time. I even have a crush on my best friend. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve known I’ve liked girls for the longest time (since I was around 4 or 6). Yes, that’s a young age. Does anyone have any advice?

  • Neko

    I am kind of stressed out. I am only 15 and while most girls my age are fangirl ing over people like Nash Greir and Cameron Dallas, I don’t see what the like. They aren’t cute, they make me wanna gag. Then, I realized I don’t like the idea of a penis, in health class I felt like it looked like a deformed banana. Other girls are having sex with guys, but I don’t see the appeal….So, I need help here. Am I lesbian?

    • Tee

      I think the exact same as you. I am so conflicted but we have the rest of our lives to figure it out so don’t stress about it

  • hope4love

    I never been with a woman before but like cannot stop imagining beginning with one to have someone that gets me. Well, I won’t get into it. My husband a man a religious one and I am but I understand why lesibans and gay men seek love in each other but he doesn’t get it. I know what the world and God the Word says but cannot help who I am attracted too. Maybe it is a born in you thing. I had from way back, always covering it up by boys and always wanting a girl to be interested in me and never was. I just never wanted be alone. Now I had a strokes 4 them he uses that as a excuse though I am back to almost normal. I a m always the blame for someone’s stuff and always trapped and no job no money cannot work because of stroke because memory is affected, health problems… Who wants me a fat ugly stroke victim now.

  • hope4love

    I am married, but don’t want be . He uses me as pin cushion just to relieve himself. I just left high dry wishing for a woman because they know how love you want to be loved and just not talking sexually. He just don’t talk to me any more he rather be on his computer. You say something your fault why you don’t have love making the want it or need. But he is one the that comes to fast and leaves. Then invites women to my place to eat or to we are supposed. Go there.because he said he would be interested in these two girls if I died so he chasing in front of me and he says not doing nothing wrong, no intentions in his heart. My foot!

  • hope4love

    Hoping 4 Real Love, not Robotic one. I am married but don’t want to be our sex life there isn’t one for 10 years, he blames me for my pain in way, his coming to fast, his disinterests or he doesn’t know if safe to approach without thinking he’s lustful just that A LADY PIN CUSHION FOR GET OFF ON. Sorry ladies that’s how I feel. So I rather. Not have any either. Then he talks about ladies he be interested in if I died he starts talks talking with them at our church and then invites himself no us over for a party and the other one he wants to be to our house he has no clue that he done anything wrong nor admit’s to it, but yet say sorry to me because I will. Not talk to him.

    I honestly I think married a man because nobody was around and at time I was aware if feelings but didn’t know what to do. So I hid them like most. Which makes matters worse in long run. .


    I am going be talking to him tonight about this because I cannot hide any longer. So here it goes he gets off at 5:00pm.

  • MammyT

    I’m married, 2 children. Been with my husband 8 years. I’ve been feeling confused for years. He knows how I’m feeling and is OK with me to find out. I love my husband, and we have a great sex life, but I prefer him giving me oral. I have had crushes on women before, but I have never tried anything. So confused and really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end our marriage but I don’t want to cheat on him to find out. It can be very upsetting for me and I’m feeling depressed about it too.

  • khymon

    I must say that I am with some of those who are extremely confused. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we currently have 2 children together, but I feel I have more attraction to women. I am not sure what to do plus if I leave he has threatened to take the kids. It has been something on my mind lately and I wish I could figure it out. I catch myself thinking about my ex girlfriend all of the time.

  • Crona

    I never questioned my sexuality until this year, so lately I’ve been thinking about it more and more. I don’t know if it’s because of influences around me.. But I’m not even sure what I’m attracted too anymore. I even sorta came out to my mom about it and I’m lucky she’s understanding about it, but I feel like an emotional wreck when I have a crush on someone and I feel like no one understands me.

  • Briana

    So ok, sometimes, I am VERY confused about what I am. I am religious and it’s bad to like the same sex. I’m not against them lesbians or gays or anything. This is really weird even for me, but lately, I’ve been wondering what it’s like to date a girl. I imagine myself kissing both guys and girls. Problem with that? I feel nothing when I think about it. I have had a boyfriend before and I have had many guy crushes. I felt a slight pull ONCE towards girls. But that’s the thing. I don’t want to like girls. (No offense to the girls) but I’m really confused. Sure when I see a girl, I automatically tell myself whether or not they’re attractive or whatever, but never more. Maybe I’m asexual as of now? I have no idea. I just know I don’t wanna like girls whatsoever. I want to be straight. To be honest, I’ve kissed a girl before unintentionally. Never did I feel a spark or anything. But I haven’t kissed a guy either. I’m so confused right now. Please please help. Really need advice on this.

  • rainbow.dash

    I know that I’m bi and the only person I have come out to is my friend Kat. I kinda have a crush on her, but she has a boyfriend so that kinda sucks for me…

  • niamh

    hi I am confused! I always thought i was straight but lately im day dreaming about being with girls! I think i have a crush on my best friend but she is straight! I am so confused and i dont know what to do! does this mean i am a lesbian?