Am I A Lesbian? How Do I Know If I’m Gay Or Bisexual?

Dear Heather,

I have sort of a weird question and I don’t know if you can help me, but we’ll see. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I might be a lesbian. I sometimes fantasize about other girls and I kind of feel like I have a crush on one of my friends. I always notice when girls are really cute, I feel like I do that more than my friends do. I’ve watched lesbian porn before and I’m into it. But I dated a guy before, so I don’t get it! I’m totally freaked out and confused. I feel so weird and scared. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? How do I know? Please help!

The first thing I want you to know is that it’s totally normal for you to feel confused and frustrated right now. Figuring out your sexuality can be a very confusing time and there’s nothing wrong with anything that you’re feeling – but please don’t feel like you’re weird! If you are a lesbian or bisexual, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The second thing I want you to know is that while I can give you some advice on figuring out your sexuality, I can’t tell you for sure whether you’re gay or not – that’s something that you have to figure out on your own. Some people say they have known that they were gay since they were little kids, and for others, it takes a little bit longer to come to that conclusion. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

However, there are some things you can think about to help you try to figure things out. Have you ever had a crush on a girl? Think about it – it sounds like you do, but you might not want to admit it. Are your feelings of attraction towards girls stronger than your feelings for guys? Imagine yourself kissing a girl and then imagine kissing a guy – which is more exciting to you? Consider your future: would you rather be with a man or a woman? How often do you fantasize about girls? Do you think about girls more than guys? You say you’re into lesbian porn – are you into heterosexual porn at all also?

I know you probably feel super confused because you dated a guy once and now you feel like you’re into girls. First of all, a lot of lesbians have dated guys before they fully came to the conclusion that they were a lesbian, so don’t feel like you’re weird for doing that. Second of all, that could mean that you’re bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting a little bit to sort things out. Did you like dating that guy? Did you do it because you felt like you had to? Why did you guys break up?

Think about these questions, but know that none of these can give you an absolute answer. There are no right or wrong answers. I know it sounds confusing, but my point is that your sexuality is a big thing – there’s no one question or quiz that will give you an answer. You kind of just need to figure it out on your own. If there is anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this, I’d definitely encourage you to do that. It may help you work things out and may feel good to get your thoughts out.

Just remember: it doesn’t matter if you’re a lesbian or bisexual or straight, that doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. You should never feel ashamed of your sexuality or feel embarrassed over who you like. In the end, being true to yourself is the  best way to make yourself happy. It may take a while to feel fully comfortable with your sexuality, but know that you’re not alone. Good luck!

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  1. avatarBrandie says:

    Actually ım not lesbian but ı want kiss girls or love but ı love a boy very much but ı also want girlfriends ım so confused about this what can ı do about this ı cant chouse please help me because ı want to find solution for this problem

  2. avatarJust a girl says:

    Finding your sexuality is hard, I know because I went trough it… I had a hard time picturing myself with either because I am not thinking properly, it’s like I convinced myself that I pictured myself with a guy but I do believe it’s with a girl. Accepting yourself is hard, especially in a shitty society like this… I was attracted to a teacher (female) at my school she was married and had 3 kids… It started out as a joke with my friends and then I actually started to have feelings for her.. I was dating a guy at the same time and I felt so different and weird from everybody else because I was in love with a 35 year old female and dating a 15 year old guy (I was 14). I felt very alone. Talking about it with someone is Sooo hard because even if they say they won’t judge you, they do. While your talking to them they are thinking in their heads, you just need to find the right person to talk about it, good luck to everybody out there who is confused!! :)

  3. avatarKate says:

    I am 13 and have known I liked girls since forever. It was really more of a shock that I like boys too. I guess that makes me bi. What I am wondering is is bisexuality hereditary, I know my sister is bi, so is my mom, my grandma (my moms mom ) and my Aunt (my moms sister). I am thinking i should as my grandma if her mom was bi, but she may not know. Just wondering

  4. avatarstar says:

    I’ve had boyfriends, was really inlove with my bf until he dumped me which hurt! I really fancy boys but would love to experiment with girls, have fantisied with being with girls and masturbated to lesbian porn but does that mean I’m a lesbian or bi, I don’t want to be I’ve always imagined myself being with a man and having children. Please help…….?????

  5. avatarconfuessed says:

    To these who are confessed as me about who they are
    what sexuality u are one thing I no is that I’m not straight I will have to learn what I am bi or lesbian four my self no one else can tell me
    its something I have 2 do on my own
    like others that feel what I’m feeling its going to be hard but I no one day I will find who I am and I hope one day u guys can to

  6. avatarceleste says:

    I were married twice and have 2kids! My hole life I feel if don’t fit in any were! Straight relationships never work out and I never get completely satisfied during sex, always want more! I never had a lot of relationships so I’m starting to think that may be I’m lesbian! Or addicted to sex! And masturbates a lot and started looking at lesbian porn! I’m so confused!! Please please help me!!

  7. avatarHana kim says:

    Whatever thank god im not lesbian hahaha

  8. avatarJena says:

    Hi there, I’m married and I think Im fallen to my lady boss. She is also married. She is older almost half of my age. Every time I heard her voice its so nice and sweet to hear. She is very nice to me. She has a wonderful family and I would never destroy their family. But my problem here. Am I a lesbian? I love to see her everyday but I am afraid that she could sense how I feel for her coz were both married. In the beggining, I was disgusted of myself imagining having sex to same gender but the more years passed by I realized Im into it. But only I want to be with is my lady boss. Im not even interested to my hubby. So does it mean, im a lesbian? Im confuse. please help

  9. avatarCamila Suarez says:

    Please help I don’t know if I’m bi or lesbian or straight!!!! I’m so scared i fing guys attractive and I think girls are pretty and I like get a weird tingly feeling when i see boobs please someone help.

    • avatarvanessa424 says:

      calm down. its normal to feel that way. chances are you are bi. dont feel scared. i know how you feel. i felt the same way when i relized i was bi. if you ever need advice i would be more than happy to help you out,because i know how lost and confused you must feel.

    • avatarAnonymous says:

      im a lesbian wanna have sex we can go all night in the bed ill finger you and rub your tits babe

    • avatarAnonymous says:

      oh im wet know for you babe i have big boobs

  10. avatarPrecious says:

    I really need this question to be answered because basically am confussed please do answer those who can help…….can a lesbian have a emotional connexion to guys?

  11. avatarCara says:

    I’m so confused. I think i may be bisexual, because i’m definitely attracted to boys but i’m not always sexually attracted to girls? Like, if a girl was wearing a low top, i’d look, it’s like my eyes are being drawn to it, is that only me? I’m so confused. I wish I had a friend that was up for experimenting but the whole gay/lesbian stuff is pretty much taboo.

    • avatarrachel says:

      omg this is me!!!!!!!!!! like yea ive expiremeneted wth my friend and i liked it so im so lost

    • avatargina says:

      Okay for the boob thing, I have pretty big boobs (34 DD) and I when I put them out there I notice all kinds of people looking at them. Even my straight girl friends! People just love boobs haha! If your feelings go further than simply admiring them then I would experiment. Go on a dating/chatting site to find singles near you :).

  12. avatarsteph says:

    I keep having sexual fantasies about my friend, we had one experience before and it felt good but wrong and i’m starting to get the urges again but I !m depressed at the thought of being a lesbian and i like this guy aswell so I’m not sure if I’m bi a lesbian or straight, and wether I feel this way because I have had no sexual interactions with men and most of ny friends hace.
    Please help I’m confused :’(

  13. avatarChelsea says:

    To all of the girls looking for help to help them through their own uncertainty. I would like to say to you all, from my own experiences, that you will be alright. Love whoever you like. It’s perfectly natural to be unsure at some point (or multiple points!) in your life. There will come a day where you will figure out what label works best for describing which gender(s) that you are interested in. When that day arrives? No one knows.

    Don’t worry. Love whoever you love. You’ll find yourself as you live your life.

  14. avatarRobyn says:

    I’ve always had that thought in the back of my head that I could be a lesbian or bisexual but my brother is a strong homophobe so I’ve never wanted to seriously think about it incase he isn’t accepting towards me and my mum doesn’t seem to approve either. She always says that being a teenager is too young to understand and decide your sexuality. Reading this has really helped and allowed me to think about it more, thank you :)

  15. avatarEva says:

    I don’t know if I’m lesbian or bi I’ve always wanted to kiss my friend but still have a boyfriend and love them both but the bf in a friend way HELP PLEASE

  16. avatarMistory says:

    hi I am almost crying! I am having thought about my sexuality. I think i might be a lesbian but i don’t want to be! I think I have this crush on this guy, so does that mean im bisexual. I dont KNOW please Help ME!!!

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