Am I A Lesbian? How Do I Know If I’m Gay Or Bisexual?

Dear Heather,

I have sort of a weird question and I don’t know if you can help me, but we’ll see. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I might be a lesbian. I sometimes fantasize about other girls and I kind of feel like I have a crush on one of my friends. I always notice when girls are really cute, I feel like I do that more than my friends do. I’ve watched lesbian porn before and I’m into it. But I dated a guy before, so I don’t get it! I’m totally freaked out and confused. I feel so weird and scared. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? How do I know? Please help!

The first thing I want you to know is that it’s totally normal for you to feel confused and frustrated right now. Figuring out your sexuality can be a very confusing time and there’s nothing wrong with anything that you’re feeling – but please don’t feel like you’re weird! If you are a lesbian or bisexual, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The second thing I want you to know is that while I can give you some advice on figuring out your sexuality, I can’t tell you for sure whether you’re gay or not – that’s something that you have to figure out on your own. Some people say they have known that they were gay since they were little kids, and for others, it takes a little bit longer to come to that conclusion. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

However, there are some things you can think about to help you try to figure things out. Have you ever had a crush on a girl? Think about it – it sounds like you do, but you might not want to admit it. Are your feelings of attraction towards girls stronger than your feelings for guys? Imagine yourself kissing a girl and then imagine kissing a guy – which is more exciting to you? Consider your future: would you rather be with a man or a woman? How often do you fantasize about girls? Do you think about girls more than guys? You say you’re into lesbian porn – are you into heterosexual porn at all also?

I know you probably feel super confused because you dated a guy once and now you feel like you’re into girls. First of all, a lot of lesbians have dated guys before they fully came to the conclusion that they were a lesbian, so don’t feel like you’re weird for doing that. Second of all, that could mean that you’re bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting a little bit to sort things out. Did you like dating that guy? Did you do it because you felt like you had to? Why did you guys break up?

Think about these questions, but know that none of these can give you an absolute answer. There are no right or wrong answers. I know it sounds confusing, but my point is that your sexuality is a big thing – there’s no one question or quiz that will give you an answer. You kind of just need to figure it out on your own. If there is anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this, I’d definitely encourage you to do that. It may help you work things out and may feel good to get your thoughts out.

Just remember: it doesn’t matter if you’re a lesbian or bisexual or straight, that doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. You should never feel ashamed of your sexuality or feel embarrassed over who you like. In the end, being true to yourself is the  best way to make yourself happy. It may take a while to feel fully comfortable with your sexuality, but know that you’re not alone. Good luck!

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  1. avatarkhymon says:

    I must say that I am with some of those who are extremely confused. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we currently have 2 children together, but I feel I have more attraction to women. I am not sure what to do plus if I leave he has threatened to take the kids. It has been something on my mind lately and I wish I could figure it out. I catch myself thinking about my ex girlfriend all of the time.

  2. avatarCrona says:

    I never questioned my sexuality until this year, so lately I’ve been thinking about it more and more. I don’t know if it’s because of influences around me.. But I’m not even sure what I’m attracted too anymore. I even sorta came out to my mom about it and I’m lucky she’s understanding about it, but I feel like an emotional wreck when I have a crush on someone and I feel like no one understands me.

  3. avatarBriana says:

    So ok, sometimes, I am VERY confused about what I am. I am religious and it’s bad to like the same sex. I’m not against them lesbians or gays or anything. This is really weird even for me, but lately, I’ve been wondering what it’s like to date a girl. I imagine myself kissing both guys and girls. Problem with that? I feel nothing when I think about it. I have had a boyfriend before and I have had many guy crushes. I felt a slight pull ONCE towards girls. But that’s the thing. I don’t want to like girls. (No offense to the girls) but I’m really confused. Sure when I see a girl, I automatically tell myself whether or not they’re attractive or whatever, but never more. Maybe I’m asexual as of now? I have no idea. I just know I don’t wanna like girls whatsoever. I want to be straight. To be honest, I’ve kissed a girl before unintentionally. Never did I feel a spark or anything. But I haven’t kissed a guy either. I’m so confused right now. Please please help. Really need advice on this.

  4. avatarrainbow.dash says:

    I know that I’m bi and the only person I have come out to is my friend Kat. I kinda have a crush on her, but she has a boyfriend so that kinda sucks for me…

  5. avatarniamh says:

    hi I am confused! I always thought i was straight but lately im day dreaming about being with girls! I think i have a crush on my best friend but she is straight! I am so confused and i dont know what to do! does this mean i am a lesbian?

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