Am I A Lesbian? How Do I Know If I’m Gay Or Bisexual?

Dear Heather,

I have sort of a weird question and I don’t know if you can help me, but we’ll see. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I might be a lesbian. I sometimes fantasize about other girls and I kind of feel like I have a crush on one of my friends. I always notice when girls are really cute, I feel like I do that more than my friends do. I’ve watched lesbian porn before and I’m into it. But I dated a guy before, so I don’t get it! I’m totally freaked out and confused. I feel so weird and scared. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? How do I know? Please help!

The first thing I want you to know is that it’s totally normal for you to feel confused and frustrated right now. Figuring out your sexuality can be a very confusing time and there’s nothing wrong with anything that you’re feeling – but please don’t feel like you’re weird! If you are a lesbian or bisexual, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The second thing I want you to know is that while I can give you some advice on figuring out your sexuality, I can’t tell you for sure whether you’re gay or not – that’s something that you have to figure out on your own. Some people say they have known that they were gay since they were little kids, and for others, it takes a little bit longer to come to that conclusion. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

However, there are some things you can think about to help you try to figure things out. Have you ever had a crush on a girl? Think about it – it sounds like you do, but you might not want to admit it. Are your feelings of attraction towards girls stronger than your feelings for guys? Imagine yourself kissing a girl and then imagine kissing a guy – which is more exciting to you? Consider your future: would you rather be with a man or a woman? How often do you fantasize about girls? Do you think about girls more than guys? You say you’re into lesbian porn – are you into heterosexual porn at all also?

I know you probably feel super confused because you dated a guy once and now you feel like you’re into girls. First of all, a lot of lesbians have dated guys before they fully came to the conclusion that they were a lesbian, so don’t feel like you’re weird for doing that. Second of all, that could mean that you’re bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting a little bit to sort things out. Did you like dating that guy? Did you do it because you felt like you had to? Why did you guys break up?

Think about these questions, but know that none of these can give you an absolute answer. There are no right or wrong answers. I know it sounds confusing, but my point is that your sexuality is a big thing – there’s no one question or quiz that will give you an answer. You kind of just need to figure it out on your own. If there is anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this, I’d definitely encourage you to do that. It may help you work things out and may feel good to get your thoughts out.

Just remember: it doesn’t matter if you’re a lesbian or bisexual or straight, that doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. You should never feel ashamed of your sexuality or feel embarrassed over who you like. In the end, being true to yourself is the  best way to make yourself happy. It may take a while to feel fully comfortable with your sexuality, but know that you’re not alone. Good luck!

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Confused

    I grew up being told it was only okay to like guys. so for me I though ha Well okay thats fine until I find myself liking a girl. But then I was confused and said I was straight then I said I was gay again. What am i?

  • Aleah

    I am 14 i have always been confused about what gender I actually like when I was little I would only like too do boy stuff I used too think girls were prettier I never liked boys like that only as friends but when I was like in 4th or 5th i would have crushes on girls but I was in the closet so in 6th grade I told my self i only like boys but I actually liked girls I was always scared too tell my friends how I felt because I didint want them too tell me thing I wouldn’t like at all and when I got too 8th grade everyone at my school found out they didint care and then I told my family which was the scariest thing I ever did cause they judge a lot :/ but they accepted me they told me I’m just confused and still young but as right now I just wish I was born a boy I used too be in my room and get my brothers clothes and dress as a boy and just look at myself in the mirror and just wish I was a boy but I am for sure now I am lesbian I can see myself when I’m older as being trans and getting married with a woman:)

  • buffy

    I have been debating my sexuality lately and I’m almost 33. I am beginning to recall my younger years and I realize that I always did think girls were hot. Now that I am older and have had a taste of sex with men I find it more and more repulsive. The only part of sex I like is oral. Penetration sucks and men suck at doing it. I am scared to come out or even talk to the few friends that I have that are lesbians and I don’t know why.

  • Anonymous

    I’m attracted to girls a lot more than guys. When I was little I always
    had normal crushes on guys but I was attracted to girls except I
    wouldn’t imagine myself with them… except sometimes I would imagine
    myself as a guy with girls I don’t know why? But now I’m a softmore in
    highschool and I attracted to girls SO much more than boys… although I
    am attracted to boys except it’s drastically weaker then my attraction
    for girls.. and I would take a relationship with a girl over ANY
    relationship with a guy. I use to think about boys a lot when I was kid
    but maybe it was only because I felt it was the only path. Now that I’m
    actually allowed to be gay I hate myself because I feel like its my
    fault for knowing that its okay to be attracted to the same gender
    instead of being normal and straight.I hate that I make myself think I
    feel like I’m only gay because I let myself watch shows and media with
    LGBT that is accepted and where being gay is okay and different and
    where everyone accepts themselves.I feel like maybe I’m only this way
    because I let myself be exposed to media and the fact that I live in a
    really accepting community. So that’s why I hate myself. Also the fact
    that I’m always attracted to people I can’t be with. It’s pathetic. I
    fall in love with straight girls and girls who have boyfriends, it’s
    just messed up and god I’m sad 🙁