Ask A Guy: He Flirts With Me All The Time – So Why Won’t He Date Me?

Dear Ethan,

This guy and I have been sort of talking for a while now. We talk and text like we’re together. But every time I propose that we date, he says no. When I see him, he is affectionate, even though we’ve agreed to be just friends. He has even said that he feels for me like I’m his girlfriend. Why will he flirt with me so much but won’t date me?! I don’t get it!! WHAT should I do?!?! Help PLEASE!

When I first read the words “But every time I propose…” I admit I got a bit worried. Boy, was I relieved to read the rest of that sentence: “…that we date, he says no.” Phew. Thankfully, your problem is way less dire than that of a serial engager.

All kidding aside, though, the fact that he is directly turning down offers to take things to the next level is surely a red flag. He’s made it clear that there is either something holding him back from dating you, or anyone in general. This is not to say that you have no chance of someday becoming his boo — but at the very least, your method of approaching the situation must change.

You did nothing wrong by being up front with him – but before initiating a mature, open conversation, I’d have first recommended you try to allow things to develop naturally. Let your contact with him simmer down for a week, and then ask for one-on-one plans without using the words “date.” The ability to freely communicate your emotions is crucial to any successful relationship, but actions often speak way louder than words in those delicate moments before a romance takes off. And words can occasionally make situations too awkward and cerebral for spontaneous passion to ignite. (Sounds like I should write the newest installment of Fifty Shades of Grey….) Sometimes a well-timed kiss (yes, girls can make the first move, too) is all you need to know where you stand.

If you feel that it’s already too late to play coy, you might have to mentally give up on an amorous relationship. Or, if you’re both unable to keep things platonic, it’d be best to take some space from him altogether. Either route will allow you to focus your frustrated energy elsewhere: best case scenario, he’ll notice how well you’re doing without his flirtatious attention, and longingly come to realize his true feelings for you; worst case, you end up finding someone better. A little bit of “chase” can be fun, but when the game starts to feel like waterboarding, it’s time to cut ties. It won’t be easy, but you’ll ultimately be glad you did!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

 

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Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
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8 Comments

  1. avatarMaria says:

    Hi , I’m from Greece and I like a guy . I don’t know him very well but he is awesome ,funny,cute …. I like him very much and I try to flirt him and he flirts me but he doesn’t say that he likes me .All my friends say that he loves me but I’m not sure what can I do please help me !

  2. avatarstronger22 says:

    I told this guy that I’ve been friends with for a while that I like him. He told me that he felt awkward but he flirts with me. I asked him if he liked me, and he said he doesn’t know. Should I be worried? Does he like me?

  3. avatarMichelle says:

    Dear Ethan,
    I’ve been talkingg to this guy for months, and we flirt alot and if anyone would look at our phones they’d think that we are dating, we talk on everything, text, phone almost everything. I just dont understand him. He claims that he has a girlfriend, but he wont tell me her name! But he makes it clear he has one. I dont know anything about her! What is going on here?

  4. avatarNonexistent says:

    There are guys like me who can flirt and the like a lot but are afraid when it comes to dating that they’ll screw up and so don’t date.

    • avatarTruthWillSetUfree says:

      Stop being a wuss or you’ll end up old and lonely. Nobody likes men who don’t take charge. Gosh!

  5. avatarRachel says:

    Dear Ethan. Im confused because theres inguy i was talking to and everything was going fine till 2 weeks ago when he started avoiding me. We used to flirt and always be together the chemistry was incredible then all of a sudden he got a job and he started acting that way. We never really stopped talking we jut didnt act as close as before. About a week ago he started flirting with me again and being the same way he used to be at first. I dont understand what exactly happened or is happening i just know i like him alot. What should i do??

    • avatarTruthWillSetUfree says:

      It just means that you are not all that important to him. Just hope he gets bored more times than not so he can run to his pastime, YOU! As much as it is difficult, you need to start looking beyond this guy. Isn’t it time for him to “fight” and “desire” you instead of you hoping he’ll be there spending time with you? Girl, you need to start valuing yourself more! Don’t let any guy use you that way.

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