Ask A Guy: He Flirts With Me All The Time – So Why Won’t He Date Me?

Dear Ethan,

This guy and I have been sort of talking for a while now. We talk and text like we’re together. But every time I propose that we date, he says no. When I see him, he is affectionate, even though we’ve agreed to be just friends. He has even said that he feels for me like I’m his girlfriend. Why will he flirt with me so much but won’t date me?! I don’t get it!! WHAT should I do?!?! Help PLEASE!

When I first read the words “But every time I propose…” I admit I got a bit worried. Boy, was I relieved to read the rest of that sentence: “…that we date, he says no.” Phew. Thankfully, your problem is way less dire than that of a serial engager.

All kidding aside, though, the fact that he is directly turning down offers to take things to the next level is surely a red flag. He’s made it clear that there is either something holding him back from dating you, or anyone in general. This is not to say that you have no chance of someday becoming his boo — but at the very least, your method of approaching the situation must change.

You did nothing wrong by being up front with him – but before initiating a mature, open conversation, I’d have first recommended you try to allow things to develop naturally. Let your contact with him simmer down for a week, and then ask for one-on-one plans without using the words “date.” The ability to freely communicate your emotions is crucial to any successful relationship, but actions often speak way louder than words in those delicate moments before a romance takes off. And words can occasionally make situations too awkward and cerebral for spontaneous passion to ignite. (Sounds like I should write the newest installment of Fifty Shades of Grey….) Sometimes a well-timed kiss (yes, girls can make the first move, too) is all you need to know where you stand.

If you feel that it’s already too late to play coy, you might have to mentally give up on an amorous relationship. Or, if you’re both unable to keep things platonic, it’d be best to take some space from him altogether. Either route will allow you to focus your frustrated energy elsewhere: best case scenario, he’ll notice how well you’re doing without his flirtatious attention, and longingly come to realize his true feelings for you; worst case, you end up finding someone better. A little bit of “chase” can be fun, but when the game starts to feel like waterboarding, it’s time to cut ties. It won’t be easy, but you’ll ultimately be glad you did!

Good luck!

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of For more on Ethan, visit…or call his mom, Robin.

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Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
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  • Ceci

    Hi! I am getting divorce and I met this guy at gym, he been look at me for long time so he give he’s phone number and we start texting cuz I couldn’t talk I still living with my ex husband to be, we I asked him out and he called me last minute saying he can’t go cuz he did not got anybody to watch he’s 5 years old son, next time he got upset for my comment and blow me of, we went out like mont ago and was great he’s was very nice we almost had sex in car,after this he got upset with me cuz he’s ex girlfriend also work out in gym came to me and saying he’s asked her to introduce herself to me, I texted him saying why he did that and he said she’s was laying to try get some out me and he was very upset, we stop talking for about to weeks and approach to him and say him he was cold with me, I stop give him attention and now he came to me some times say hi but when I ask him out he always say we talk about later. Help me please some times I think he likes me but he won’t go out with me why?

  • myrna

    I fell in love with a guy considerably younger than i. and i messed it up. He used to hang out in this candy store that my best friend owns. Now this other guy won’t come there because he feels weirded out because i may have come on to strong and scared him away. Is there a way we can become friends and get him interested again or is there nothing i can do?

  • Maria

    Hi , I’m from Greece and I like a guy . I don’t know him very well but he is awesome ,funny,cute …. I like him very much and I try to flirt him and he flirts me but he doesn’t say that he likes me .All my friends say that he loves me but I’m not sure what can I do please help me !

  • stronger22

    I told this guy that I’ve been friends with for a while that I like him. He told me that he felt awkward but he flirts with me. I asked him if he liked me, and he said he doesn’t know. Should I be worried? Does he like me?

  • Michelle

    Dear Ethan,
    I’ve been talkingg to this guy for months, and we flirt alot and if anyone would look at our phones they’d think that we are dating, we talk on everything, text, phone almost everything. I just dont understand him. He claims that he has a girlfriend, but he wont tell me her name! But he makes it clear he has one. I dont know anything about her! What is going on here?

    • TruthWillSetUfree

      He’s GAY! Girl, I could see it all the way from here!!!

  • Nonexistent

    There are guys like me who can flirt and the like a lot but are afraid when it comes to dating that they’ll screw up and so don’t date.

    • TruthWillSetUfree

      Stop being a wuss or you’ll end up old and lonely. Nobody likes men who don’t take charge. Gosh!

  • Rachel

    Dear Ethan. Im confused because theres inguy i was talking to and everything was going fine till 2 weeks ago when he started avoiding me. We used to flirt and always be together the chemistry was incredible then all of a sudden he got a job and he started acting that way. We never really stopped talking we jut didnt act as close as before. About a week ago he started flirting with me again and being the same way he used to be at first. I dont understand what exactly happened or is happening i just know i like him alot. What should i do??

    • TruthWillSetUfree

      It just means that you are not all that important to him. Just hope he gets bored more times than not so he can run to his pastime, YOU! As much as it is difficult, you need to start looking beyond this guy. Isn’t it time for him to “fight” and “desire” you instead of you hoping he’ll be there spending time with you? Girl, you need to start valuing yourself more! Don’t let any guy use you that way.

      • Keepyourheadhigh

        This “truth will set you free” person is blunt…but right on the money! Been there, done that. A guy I was seeing for months, went off the radar because he said he was gun shy and was scared to death of being in a relationship. I then find out a year later, he’s been dating…a lot. Now, he’s back to flirting with me, due to none of the women turned out to be as great as….me. Well, now I’m the one who sees that…how great I am and that I should never settle for being second best! Keep moving on.