Straight Talk With Shallon: Why Won’t My Friend With Benefits Date Me?

Source: Shutterstock

Is this how your FWB makes you feel?
Source: Shutterstock

Dear Shallon,

There’s this guy who is my “friend with benefits” and I feel like he likes me but he just won’t ask me out–is he shy or what? Why won’t he take things to the next level?



Dear So Not Getting It Steph,

He’s not asking you out because… why would he? I hate the old adage “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free,” but it’s really true. Why would he ask you out when you’re giving him sex (or maybe BJ’s or whatever it is) with ZERO effort on his part?

Here’s the thing: to a guy, a girl falls into one of three categories:

1. Girlfriend (or girl you’d like to seriously date)

Don't get mad, get smart about what a category you're in!Source: Shutterstock

Don’t get mad, get smart about what a category you’re in!Source: Shutterstock

2. Friend (or girl you have no sexual attraction to)

3. Booty call (girl who you’re sexually attracted to but there isn’t anything else)

So, if you’ve locked yourself into the Booty Call category, you’re stuck. It may seem like he like likes you, but he doesn’t. He likes the fact that you hook up with him. And he knows that he needs to turn on the charm to ensure that that keeps happening.

Basically, write this guy off as a dude you want to date. In fact, NEVER, EVER become a FWB with a boy you’re legit interested in–it’s never going to transition to that, I don’t care what some lame episode of Girls tells you. That total BS will drive you slowly insane.

Instead, pick a hot, fun guy to be your hookup buddy. Get your sexual energy out on him so that when you do meet a BF-quality boy, you’re not overrun with hormones and put out too soon. But the biggest bit of advice I can give is that putting out DOES NOT MAKE A GUY LIKE YOU. In fact, if a boy wants to seriously date you, giving it up ASAP whenever he wants tells him that you’re just a good-time girl and not looking for a relationship.

I’m not opposed to having a side piece–if I’m at all semi-decent in bed it’s because of my college FWB!–but lying to yourself about what you really want from the guy is only going to break your heart!



Want me to give you advice? Feel free to leave your love Qs in the comments or drop me an email to and follow me on Twitter and Instagram @ShallonXO


I don’t want to hook up, but I feel pressured to – help!

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  • erica

    Fwb relationships never work out because one because always have more feelings then the other…I’m going through the samething eventually you will get tired and more on it emotionally tiring

  • mawynn

    Hey Julianna
    I hate to tell you but if he won’t commit now he is not ever going to. His words are nothing more than hooks to insure that you continue coming back and are wrapped around his finger. I know because I am locked into an almost identical situation. I am very m uch in love and attached to a man I got involved with as a fwb. My guy will not tell me how he feels about me but I strongly think that he only sees me as a hookup and it hurts because of the depth of my feelings for him. I love his insecurities and his personality but I fear that he only uses me and is so affectionate towards me only to keep me around to fulfill his needs. The thought of him with another woman enrages me and literally turns my stomach. It makes me feel that I am not good enough for anything except to f***. My last relationship was like this too and lasted for nearly six years. It only ended when he began to beat me and tried to killl me.

    But long story short, unless he gets down on one knee and tells you ‘be my woman, my one and only, my girl and lady, and I will love you until death’ do not believe a word of it. Otherwise you’ll end up like me. Unable to have a real relationship and only used for a man’s pleasure at his leisure. This will also affect your self esteem and self worth too. Yoh may start to feel like you’re unlovable or not worth love at all. Maybe you won’t want to kill yourself like I do most days but it will manifest in any number of ugly ways that will change the way you view yourself and the world around you.

    Please guard your heart carefully. I am convinced that friend with benefits are soul destroying to the woman.

  • Julianna

    Need some advice.
    I have a FWB and he recently confessed that he loved me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life… We talk on the phone for hours and always act like we’re in a relationship (holding hands, soft kisses in public, etc.). But he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend or anything… What should I do? Run or stick around? (Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time..)

  • maha

    thanks for your reply , that’s so help
    but how can i run away , in politely way because i feel that he won’t leave me , i think he will try to follow me all the time . so whats you advice !!

  • maha

    my question is , there is someone who text me on Facebook and he did not know me very well and he wants to hang out with me , i feel that he only focused on the sex , and i don’t him to take me as sexually only. i want to make him love me and know me better first , but i feel that i make some mistake when i am going with the flow with him i mean when i take to him about sex also ,but we wont hang out yet , because I am studying abroad and I am going to meet him when i get back this summer , so how could i switch this into serious relationship ??

    • shallon

      Maha, if you think there’s even A CHANCE that this guy is only after you for sex, then RUN NOW GIRL. RUN. That is not something you can change or reform and while yes, it’s a challenge to try, it’s incredibly risky and potentially dangerous emotionally. And from what you say, this guy is basically a stranger hollering at you on Facebook–that screams “just a hook up” and you are better than that. If a guy is reaching out to you, just think about all the other girls he reached out to also! Stay away! Wait for a guy who’s worth it! XOXO, Shallon