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Dear Heather,
I’m dating a really great guy who I really like. I think I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level and, you know, have sex. But here’s the thing: I’m a virgin and he’s not AND he’s older than me. I’m scared to have sex because I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do. I don’t want to look stupid or inexperienced. Please help!
What you’re feeling is totally normal. Let’s be honest: sex can seem a little scary sometimes, especially if you’ve never done it before. It’s okay to be nervous! It’s also okay to let your partner know that you’re nervous.
Before I get into how you can handle this, I want to make sure that you definitely feel ready to lose your virginity. Having sex is a big deal and you should never do it just because you want to impress your older boyfriend or anything like that. Take a look at our complete guide to losing your virginity and make sure you truly feel ready to take this step before you go through with it.
If you definitely feel like you’re ready to have sex, then I think you should definitely talk to your partner about it. Does he know you’re still a virgin? If not, you should tell him. You should also let him know you’re a little nervous. I know you don’t want to seem inexperienced, but the fact is, he does have more experience than you and that’s not going to change. You’re not going to look “stupid” for telling him you haven’t gone as far as he has yet. In fact, he’ll probably be honored that you’ve chosen him to lose it to.
The other good thing about telling your partner about your nerves is that he may handle the situation better. If he thinks you’ve already done this before, he’s going to do whatever and expect you to know what to do. If he knows it’s your first time, he will probably be more willing to go slowly and help you figure things out.
As for actually doing it? The truth is, no one knows what they’re doing the first time they have sex. That’s why everyone’s experiences are so different. Sure, you can read all of the tips in Cosmopolitan. Sure, you can watch porn and study it to figure out where things go and how things happen. But in the end, your experience is going to be your own. You should do what you feel comfortable with.
You’ll see that once things get going, they kind of just fall into place. You’ll also see that sometimes things are a little bit awkward – but that’s nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. Sex is awkward sometimes, whether it’s your first time or your 200th time. The best advice I can give you here is to be honest with your partner, try to relax as much as possible and let things happen. Don’t stress over having the perfect first time or worry about looking “stupid.” If this guy is really as great as you say he is, he won’t care that you’re not totally sure on what to do.
take care,
Heather
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com
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There are a few things here that need to be emphasized
1) you are mistaking fear for apprehension which is quite normal. There is always an element of anxiety when doing it for the first time or with any new partner
2) Plz dont make it sound like an ordeal, because it isnt. IT IS FUN AND THE MOST AWESOME FEELING.
3) Next, you dont have to feel bad for knowing nothing. It is perfectly okay. Just go with the flow, dont resist and try and relax. I lost mine at 12 and I knew nothing, not even the guy I lost it to and luckily he was a lot older so he handled it extremely well.
4) We are scared because of all the false stories about it hurting and the bleeding and the awful things that girls who havent done it, lie about. Let me reassure you that IT DOESNT HURT and the bleeding is tiny and almost unnoticeable. Just make sure you are really well lubricated and extremely horny. Engage in plenty of foreplay and oral and that way you will be really ready for him to penetrate you.
5) Don’t be worried about experimenting. Try it you might like things. Oral is a definite YES. Anal you might want to leave that for later. But vaginal penetration when you are having an orgasm is one of the best feelings ever. You wont want to stop. Dont worry about deep penetration. Let him go in deep if he wants to. It is mind blowing. Just relax, open your legs and let him slide in all the way.
So, just relax and enjoy your first experience. Dont destroy this beautiful experience by letting anxiety come in the way.
Also find somewhere private and make sure you have lots of time so you can explore and do things in privacy without the worry of needing to speed things up.
Relax and enjoy.