I’m Scared To Have Sex For The First Time Because I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Dear Heather,

I’m dating a really great guy who I really like. I think I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level and, you know, have sex. But here’s the thing: I’m a virgin and he’s not AND he’s older than me. I’m scared to have sex because I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do. I don’t want to look stupid or inexperienced. Please help!

What you’re feeling is totally normal. Let’s be honest: sex can seem a little scary sometimes, especially if you’ve never done it before. It’s okay to be nervous! It’s also okay to let your partner know that you’re nervous. 

Before I get into how you can handle this, I want to make sure that you definitely feel ready to lose your virginity. Having sex is a big deal and you should never do it just because you want to impress your older boyfriend or anything like that. Take a look at our complete guide to losing your virginity and make sure you truly feel ready to take this step before you go through with it.

If you definitely feel like you’re ready to have sex, then I think you should definitely talk to your partner about it. Does he know you’re still a virgin? If not, you should tell him. You should also let him know you’re a little nervous. I know you don’t want to seem inexperienced, but the fact is, he does have more experience than you and that’s not going to change. You’re not going to look “stupid” for telling him you haven’t gone as far as he has yet. In fact, he’ll probably be honored that you’ve chosen him to lose it to.

The other good thing about telling your partner about your nerves is that he may handle the situation better. If he thinks you’ve already done this before, he’s going to do whatever and expect you to know what to do. If he knows it’s your first time, he will probably be more willing to go slowly and help you figure things out.

As for actually doing it? The truth is, no one knows what they’re doing the first time they have sex. That’s why everyone’s experiences are so different. Sure, you can read all of the tips in Cosmopolitan. Sure, you can watch porn and study it to figure out where things go and how things happen. But in the end, your experience is going to be your own. You should do what you feel comfortable with.

You’ll see that once things get going, they kind of just fall into place. You’ll also see that sometimes things are a little bit awkward – but that’s nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. Sex is awkward sometimes, whether it’s your first time or your 200th time. The best advice I can give you here is to be honest with your partner, try to relax as much as possible and let things happen. Don’t stress over having the perfect first time or worry about looking “stupid.” If this guy is really as great as you say he is, he won’t care that you’re not totally sure on what to do.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Harrison Allen

    Holy god people these comments have no grammar. And holy shiz girls, you guys having sex at 14, that’s bad enough but with 20+ year olds. I’m done. It’s funny how I have never had a girlfriend and I’m 15. Oh well screw this this shiz I’m out, peace ✌️.

  • annonymous

    I’M 13 AND I KNOW THE RISK OF PREGNANCY, ITS MY LIFE AND ITS SO STUPID HOW IF YOUR ON BIRTH CONTROL , GO TO YOUR GOD DAMN DOCTOR AND ASK IF ITS WORKING THEN YOU WONT GET PREGNANT FS AND STDS CAN USE A CONDOM ALSO AND 98% OF STDS ARE TREATABLE.

  • PRETTY

    Im also 14 and i like this guy, he’s 21 he is so handsome. we met at the beach when we went for a church function, he spent most of his time looking at me then he told me that he likes me and that i would make a perfect girlfriend. Now he just asked me to go to his house to keep him company. He also told me that he was really feeling horn but am afraid that it might hurt and that my mum would find out

  • Mariam

    I’m 16 yrs old girl,i’m still virgin and any guy never touched my body.I’ve never had bf b4 and now i’m not ready to have sex,coz i wanted to do it in the right person and right time..And i’m really afraid when that day come..Coz i over heard my friend at school says that,,if it’s your first time have sex,you will pray for a jesus to come down and help becouse of the pain yo will get and even bleed..

  • helppp meee girl

    Okay so I have liked this guy for a while and he is never liked me in the same way and last night I spent the night at my bff house and its her brother he ask me to have sex with him and now im scared

  • maritsa

    It seem like I’m the only virgin in my group of friends, and honestly I feel left out of some conversations! I don’t know what to do… I mean I don’t want to loose my virginity to someone just because I feel left out but I would like to at some point. Can anyone help me in giving me advise on what to expect or do cause I don’t know. I have watched porn but when it comes to the point of me doing it I don’t think I’m not going to remember how others looked doing it. I just want to enjoy it, and not feel nasty or regret it later. Please Help!

  • Mystirious One

    I’m a Boy and I never had sex and i just read what all of you just said.
    I am about to have sex with a Girl but she’s not my GF so i am a bit confused to be honest. i watched porn a plenty of times and never even tried for a girl.

    by the way i am having some good time i hope it all goes good and about other girls i would say this is something every human have, no matter who it is i mean its Him or Her. But you have to take care of it, Its really Nice to be Virgin for a girl so don’t lose it on a boy that might left you after months or even years.

    I am 21 and i never HAD sex, Because i wanted to do it when i get married 🙂
    So Be Calm, Wait for you turn and you’ll love it, I Assure you Even though i am GOING to have sex!

    Good Luck to Girls and Boys.

    P.S: I usually don’t reply somewhere so just don’t mind xD 😀

  • Hailey

    So when you say ‘older’, how much older are you talking about?

    • curvyBabe

      when someone young refers to an ‘older guy’ she is talking about what the law would see as illegal. This is a way of not making it too explicit just to limit the usual negative outbursts from people.
      Seems like there are many 13 and 14 yr olds who are engaging in sexual relationships with 20+ guys.
      They seem to be quite happy and unharmed and are quite happy discussing this openly. These forums are great. To share and discuss without being judged is the best thing.

  • Daryasia

    Thanks Natalia!! Your advice really helped. I was SOOO scared b4 i had sex the first time with my bf.But, i just relaxed and let him do all the work. It turned out JUST RIGHT!! Thanks so much!!

  • amber

    why is everyone on here around 14 and having sex with much much older guys? Made me sad to read this. I’m 21 and still a virgin, I feel like young girls give in to their emotions too suddenly, and that don’t take their virginity seriously. It’s something to treasure, and yes, sex can be a beautiful thing, but it should be with the right person and at the right time.

    • Mbali

      Jah you are right

    • mabinty saysay

      Beautiful advice…gurls always say is like hell on ur first time n I been in fear for the past 20years but now I have got a better knowledge n am stress free n hope mine be romantic…

    • Ariana

      Ok true

  • adlynn

    Hey, I’m 18 and I am with a guy that’s older then me. He wants to take my Virginity. I have really been thinking about it. I’m scared to of all the false roomers I’ve heard from other girls. I over think stuff.Like There’s a lot of would if this or would if that. I think I’m going to do it. This was some awesome advice. Thank you!

  • samantha

    This might sound a bit weird but my first was my teacher. I was 16 and he was 23. I was really scared at first, and when he led me into the bedroom I was soooo scared. I was scared of him going into me. So we practised. I had never masterbated but he showed me where to put my fingers, and he tried it too. That was when I was ready. Now, 4 years later, we are married.

    • innocentpixie

      Hey Samantha, I am 14 and am glad that I am not the only one who likes their teacher. My relationship with him started 6 months ago. I dont care about his age. He is 27 but he is such a great guy. I lost my virginity to him and like you said, I was very naive too at first and he taught me everything about sex. We have sex all the time and I go to his place a lot. I have just started the pill and it is just so much fun with him. I hope this will last. My mom doesnt know about us and I dont want them to find out.

      • amber

        YOU’RE 14?! and he is 27?! and he’s your TEACHER? what. the. heck. That is not a normal relationship, I’m sorry to break it to you sweet heart but sex does not mean you two are in love. If you two truly love each other, you can wait until it is legal for you guys to have sex.
        Just reading this post made me lose faith in humanity just a little bit. my gosh.

        • Mbali

          I agree with you gal

        • no nonsense chick

          LOVE??? lol, wait till you fall in love! Let us see how long that lasts. She never mentioned the word love. You did!
          She may be having a huge crush and the sex with her teacher may be fantastic. Just leave her alone and let her enjoy as long as it is what she wants. Waiting does not necessarily make things better or easier. On the other hand, waiting puts/introduces in our minds, more doubts, insecurities, concerns, worries and unnecessary fears. Such things destroy the chance to enjoy sex.
          Clearly she is enjoying herself.

        • INNO

          O.M.G!!! 14 RLLY?….

    • Mbali

      Gal plz tell me what to do am scared to have sex with my boyfriend

    • Aimee

      You had sex with a teacher. Thats illegal. Im 15 and would never dream of doing it with a teacher

      • Joelle

        Aimee, “illegal” is only when someone finds out. So the important thing is to make sure you keep it quiet and no one finds out. If you want to do it, understand the consequences and take precautions. It is only your business and not anyone else’s right to shame you or call you names.
        It may not be something that you would do, but there are some girls who would choose to do it. Some girls have a huge crush on their teachers and the sexual fulfillment is just awesome for them.

      • innocentpixie

        so what if it is illegal? DUH!! this is abt sex !! he is so so so cute..OMG.. he is. Like, he didnt even ask if i was a virgin n stuf. He wus so cool.

    • Aimee

      My boyfriend kisses my neck during sex. Its really uncomfortable but when i tell him, he laughs and does it harder. What should i do?

      P.S dont tell me to dump him because he is the sweetest and kindest boyfriend ever. when i lost my virginity to him he kept asking if i was alright and wasnt only caring about himself. he i soo sweet and caring

    • LoveD

      I’m 15 about to be 16 in September. I’m going on a vacation with him and my mother in October. We’re not going to do anything there because we realize that it’s against the law in Florida. However I plan to go to where he lives for the holidays and we plan on having sex. He is about to be 33. My mom knows about us and is perfectly okay with it. And for all of you saying that we don’t know what love is at this age, we do. We know how we feel and if we are in love and are ready to give the gift of our virginity away that’s our choice. It’s ours to give, no one else’s. It’s our decision, no one else’s including y’all’s. I mean look at Samantha, they ended up getting married. I am in love with my boyfriend and we plan on getting married after I turn 18. We understand what having sex may bring. We are ready to have a baby if I were to get pregnant. We’re not trying for one, but we’re prepared. I love him and I know he loves me. So, just because you have waited so long because you’re not ready doesn’t mean everyone has to. If you find love it doesn’t matter how old you are, black or white, gay or straight, at least you found it. So we have something that some people never have. We were just lucky enough to find it at a young age. So, please stop judging us. I’m sure I can speak for everyone when I say we get that enough as it is.

      • gurl in a fix

        thank you LoveD. I was so glad to read your comment. I hate everyone judging a girl becoz she has an older bf. I am 15 too and my bf is 29. I go to his place a lot becoz there is no where else to go. He is so so sweet. I have known him for 2 years and we been havin a lot of sex for a long time. We are so so so in love and I hate when we have to keep things quiet becoz evryone looks and judges such relationships. It feels so right. It doesnt feel bad or dirty. I want the sex as much as he does and I know he likes me becoz I am younger. I dont think that is wrong in any way. Yes I gave him my virginity becoz it felt good and right.
        Thanks for your post and I hope many more girls our age can come on this site and make such comments.

        • LoveD

          I’m glad that I could help you gurl. I get annoyed with people making a fuss about stuff that they don’t understand. They think that just because according to the law we are “kids” we don’t know anything and are immature when I know some girls my age that are more mature than women in their 20s, 30s, and some even in their 50s. They just don’t realize that we know what we’re doing and the severity of it just as much as they do. We are just ready before they were. In the end everyone needs to realize that it’s the person’s decision to do what they want when they feel like it. It’s our bodies and we can do what we want with them. We know right from wrong and “adults” need to understand that. I feel like once you understand what sex is and what can come from it and hit puberty, you shouldn’t be judged anymore for making your own decisions. It’s sad that we’re supposed to live in the “modern age” because back in the 1930s or earlier girls were married and had 3 children before they were 18. It’s just a different time period but I feel like we’re moving backwards instead of forwards in some ways. I just think that people need to get out of everyone else’s business and lives because nothing anyone else does effects them.

        • Starflexs

          Am a student or oyemekul grammer skul akure the same happens to me what should i do nw my gf is till a virgin am chucks add me on 2go starflexs for more inform

  • Lucia

    OMG I agree. I lost my virginity this weekend. I was staying with my grandma and I told her I was going to see my friends. I went to the mall and my bf picked me up from the mall. I wus so scared goin to his place all alone. It was an awesome feeling. He made me feel the best. It was so good . It didnt hurt at all and I dont know why every1 makes a fuss abt bleedin and stuff. I dont think I bled much. I was still on my period so he said it was okay to cum inside of me. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I wanted him to keep doin it. It just felt so good. 😛 😛

  • emily13

    thanks Natalia this is the best advice I have read so far. Yeah I think we make too much of a big deal. My frends say it is such an awesome feeling and doing it is so kewl. My bf is older and workin overseas and hes been wanting 2 do it for a while now. I think im ready to go all the way. he taught me to mastebate and I do it over cam for him al the time but I want to take it to the next level. Thanks

  • natalia

    There are a few things here that need to be emphasized
    1) you are mistaking fear for apprehension which is quite normal. There is always an element of anxiety when doing it for the first time or with any new partner
    2) Plz dont make it sound like an ordeal, because it isnt. IT IS FUN AND THE MOST AWESOME FEELING.
    3) Next, you dont have to feel bad for knowing nothing. It is perfectly okay. Just go with the flow, dont resist and try and relax. I lost mine at 12 and I knew nothing, not even the guy I lost it to and luckily he was a lot older so he handled it extremely well.
    4) We are scared because of all the false stories about it hurting and the bleeding and the awful things that girls who havent done it, lie about. Let me reassure you that IT DOESNT HURT and the bleeding is tiny and almost unnoticeable. Just make sure you are really well lubricated and extremely horny. Engage in plenty of foreplay and oral and that way you will be really ready for him to penetrate you.
    5) Don’t be worried about experimenting. Try it you might like things. Oral is a definite YES. Anal you might want to leave that for later. But vaginal penetration when you are having an orgasm is one of the best feelings ever. You wont want to stop. Dont worry about deep penetration. Let him go in deep if he wants to. It is mind blowing. Just relax, open your legs and let him slide in all the way.
    So, just relax and enjoy your first experience. Dont destroy this beautiful experience by letting anxiety come in the way.
    Also find somewhere private and make sure you have lots of time so you can explore and do things in privacy without the worry of needing to speed things up.
    Relax and enjoy.

    • lauren

      Niceeeeee. Very practical advice. I think it is so important to relax. There is too much bad advice that it hurts. LOL. I feel so embarrassed when gurls are so stupid and then they talk about bleeding. OMG we bleed so much when we have our periods. The bleeding when you have sex for the first time is so trivial :O

    • newlyInitiated

      Thanks Natalia. Took your advice and all went beautifully. Just like you said relax, relax, relax, plenty of foreplay and he used lube because it was my first time.
      DIDNT HURT AT ALL, NEVER BLED MAYBE A LITTLE SPOT WHEN I WIPED.
      Had the best time. I agree an older bf is most certainly very very helpful. Worked for me. Just got to keep it quiet. 😉

    • spicepudding

      I agree with you Natalia. Most girls will say it hurt and stuff and generate paranoia. Other girls will believe those lies.
      Girls lie all the time to pretend to be the ‘cool one” in the crowd. When a girl boasts, most likely she has never done it and what she describes about her experience is just false and in keeping with those tall tales of the inexperienced.
      When I first had sex it never hurt. Ofcourse my bf was the most caring guy and he took trouble of stretching me and making me orgasm several times with oral sex before he penetrated me. When he actually penetrated me it was such an awesome feeling and the sexual sensations were mind blowing.
      Having someone a few years older does help. They seem to be a lot more caring and know how to make a girl feel good. They take the trouble of making sure we are made to feel the pleasures of sex and it then becomes a very beautiful and memorable experience.
      Unfortunately because I was so young I had to break it off with him because we almost got caught. So he felt it was best if we broke up.
      I so miss him and hate the fact that we are all the time told that older guys take advantage and are pervs and are committing a crime if they have a sexual relationship with a younger girl. I cannot believe how this could be a crime when all we did was fall in love with each other. It was beautiful. Why it had to stop beats me.

      • severina

        I kno evry1 makes such a big deal abt older guys n stuff.
        I am 14 and I recenntly broke up with my bf who is my age too.
        He was so horrible to me and I was crying a lot after tht. I was at my frends place and her brother who is a lot older, was so sweet to me.
        He was so nice to me and made me feel so much at ease and comforted me. I was a mess but I didnt care. He didnt mind me being younger and he started kissin me. We cuddled a lot. I was alone with him and I liked what he was doing to me. I dont think he was takling advantage of me. I ended up losing my virginity to him. I was so emotional and I cried a lot. I cried because of the feelings and the emotions and it was so good when he made me cum so much.
        I think older guys are so much more kind and caring.