My boyfriend and I have been together for almost eight months. His friends happen to be friends of mine also, so when we all hang out, sometimes I’ll end up being the only girl. Many times, all the guys begin to talk about girls from their past and girls who they think are hot. Sometimes my boyfriend chimes in and talks about other girls. It just really bugs me because I’m very insecure about myself and even though I know that he wouldn’t hurt me, I still feel hurt when he talks about other girls. I constantly try to tell myself, “it’s fine, he loves you, who cares if he thinks another girl is hot?” but then it just doesn’t work and I still end up getting hurt. I just want to know how to be happy with him all the time, even if he talks about another girl.
Before offering any advice, I want to point out that there’s a difference between a guy mentioning that a woman is cute and his exclaiming that he wants to play naked Twister with her: the former is a harmless observation, while the latter is a declaration of a douchebaggery. A boyfriend’s lewd comments about other women in your presence is not only disrespectful, it could also be an indication that he’s not to be trusted.
With that said, I’m assuming yours is a good dude, and is merely agreeing or disagreeing with his friends about how attractive other girls are. I have to tell you that whether or not they vocalize it, all heterosexual males will notice when a hot woman walks in the room. So as long as he’s speaking of these women with reverence, and not objectifying or degrading them, it could actually mean that he feels comfortable enough to be the same guy with you that he is with his best male friends, which is a giant compliment.
However, of course you have the right to request that he not do this while you’re around. As I’ve written time and time again, communication is always the key to any successful relationship — so gently inform him (in private) that his discussion of other women makes you uncomfortable. If approached calmly and lovingly, he might immediately understand and apologize.
On the other hand, if he’s like me, he might be a bit stubborn about having to hold back with his friends. Though you seem to be planted firmly in his social circle, he might not be willing to permanently change his dynamic with his pals. In that case, you might have to restructure the amount of time you all spend together as a group. Or, it could be possible that you need to be with a more mild-mannered guy.
But at the very least, opening up to your boyfriend should encourage him to do other things to reassure you that only you have his heart. If he values the right to speak freely around you, he must make it clear through affectionate words and actions that you’re the only one he really wants at the end of the day. And just knowing that you can feel a little insecure sometimes will hopefully inspire him to go that extra mile for you.
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.