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We’re constantly talking about slut-shaming here – why it sucks and why it needs to stop. One thing we haven’t spoken about as much? Virgin-shaming. As YourTango put it in a recent post, “Is virgin-shaming the new slut-shaming?” Wait, how about there is no new slut-shaming? How about both of these things just go away altogether?
Before I get into my rant, let’s be clear on what virgin-shaming is. It’s basically exactly what it sounds like, which is people making other people ashamed of being a virgin. Or it’s virgins being ashamed that they’re a virgin. Just like slut-shaming, which is people making others feel guilty about the amount of sex they’re having, virgin-shaming is about making other people feel bad about about their choices when it comes to sex. Virgin-shaming happens just as often as slut-shaming, if not sometimes more.
One example of a girl who has dealt with both virgin-shaming and slut-shaming (ridiculous, right?) is Taylor Swift. Tay-tay has dated a decent amount of dudes in Hollywood, which has caused everyone to feel like they have the right to discuss her sex life as if it’s their own. A lot of people slut-shame Taylor for all of the boyfriends she’s had, which just isn’t cool. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating around and if Taylor wants to be with more than just one or two guys in her life, let her! More power to her!
On the flip side, a mysterious source recently called Taylor out on being an antique-loving virgin – and critics ripped her apart for that also. Come on, guys. You can’t make fun of Taylor for being “slutty” and then turn around and make fun of her for being a virgin. I’m not a Taylor fan myself, but I’ve never slut-shamed her or cared about her sex life.
But back to virgin- and slut-shaming. Honestly? I’m over it. It seems like we as a whole just can’t win. If we’re hooking up with too many different people, we get called “slutty,” “skanky,” “trashy,” or a “whore.” If we’re not hooking up with anyone, we get laughed at and teased for being a prude. So which is it exactly that we’re supposed to do? Is there some perfect middle we’re all supposed to be striving for? That’s insane and ridiculous.
Here’s the thing: whether you’re having sex or not, it’s no one else’s business but yours. It’s your decision and no one has the right to make fun of you for it. If you’re not ready to have sex yet, don’t do it just because you’re ashamed of being a virgin. Whether it’s for religious or personal decisions, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. You should never push yourself to do something you’re not ready for, especially when it comes to sex.
At the same time, no one should be making fun of girls (because, let’s face it, slut-shaming doesn’t really happen to dudes) for hooking up with a few different people. I don’t care how many guys a girl has been with – that doesn’t give anyone the right to call her a slut. It’s a mean, nasty word and it’s only purpose is to make someone feel bad about themselves. And for what? For enjoying themselves, for having fun or for connecting with another person? That’s something we should have to feel about?
Can we just all agree to stick to our own personal choices and stop caring so much about other people are doing? Someone else’s sex life isn’t for you to talk about and make fun of and judge. And for those of you who think you’re better than other people because you decided to wait until marriage to have sex or because you’re more experienced, guess what? You’re not better than anyone, especially if you’re making fun of others for their sex lives.
Are you sick of virgin-shaming and slut-shaming? Have you ever been shamed for being a virgin or a “slut?” How do you feel about this? Tell us in the comments.
How my mom convinced me I wasn’t a slut
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I really don’t get it. What I mean is, I’m not buying this whole “slut shaming” idea. Recently, an officer in the UK stated something like this ” maybe I shouldn’t say this but…if girls stop dressing like a slut it would lessen the likelihood of being a victim.” To which, touted the Slut Walks. The spokesperson whom happened to be female stated that he use words like “rape” and wants to suppress female sexuality. Which, he clearly didn’t do. I thought it sound advise. I would have added something like preventing yourself from participating in “at risk” behaviors. He didn’t state that women shouldn’t enjoy sex or be sexual beings. Nor dress in clothes as you see fit. He merely pointed out that to deduce the potential of being a victim that along with not engaging in at risk behaviors( overdrinking,not watching your drink, going home with a random stranger while intoxicated,etc) that it’s a good plan to not look one step from being a hooker. Trust me ladies you can look sexy and appealing without advertizing you open for business. Also, being in a group or with a trustworthy guy would help too. Now, as for the boyfriend asking you about pass sexual partners..how is that hendering your sexuality or shaming you? In an open/committed relationship BOTH parties should be honest. Especially, after he was honest enough to give you an answer to the question about sexual partners. If he can’t handle it then he may not have what it takes to be with you. But do give him time to recover himself before trying to give him the ax. The main reason slut is commonly used to describe women whom are highly sexual is because of the risks to women. Women can get pregnant…if you had a lot of sex with various partners and decide to keep it then it would be difficult to pinpoint the father. STI’s(STD’s) goes without saying. UTI’s,yeast infections, abnormal discharge(blood/mucus/bacteria,etc) are nothing to laugh at. In other words, Gynecologist isn’t going to be pleased. I know it’s a your(as a female)decision, but why is it that if a man ask you to take preventitive measures it’s called shaming? If a man your in a committed relationship(may even marry in the future) ask the same question about sexual partners you did it’s again shaming…?
I get called a prude all the time, just because I’m waiting until marriage. Some of my friends even have the audacity to tell me that I “won’t stick to it”, and that I’m “not being realistic”. They tell me, “Nobody actually remains a virgin nowadays” and that I’ll “need experience for my husband”. Because, apparently, I’m allowed to awkwardly lose my virginity to just some guy, but I shouldn’t trust my future husband with that moment of vulnerability and intimacy? But it’s actually quite hurtful that the people I trust and love would either make fun of my personal and religious decisions, or downplay my willpower and intelligence. My husband won’t be like some “boss fight” in a video game, that I have to plow towards by gaining experience with lower level “opponents”. My virginity is important to me, and my husband will appreciate that I’ve waited to give him such an intimate part of myself.
Im pretty sure everything thats called (something)-shaming is probably wrong.
I’m in the middle of these two; I’m no longer a virgin, but I’ve had only one partner, my current boyfriend. Turns out I enjoy having sex and apparently, you can be shamed for that too. I think we have to stop thinking about what others say cause, really? I like sex and you think that’s wrong? Sad for you if you don’t enjoy what God gave you down here cause let me tell you; it’s A-MA-ZING!
Virgin should take their time and girls who enjoy having different sexual experiences should stop only when they’re satisfied! I’m happy with my sex life, and there’s noooo way I’m ever going to stop because of what people think is “slutty”.
Well, good for you; hope you enjoy having a radioactive cooch and dying of AIDS at 30. Meanwhile virgins like me who intend to stay that way forever will probably live to 150.
I sort of understand what Taylor’s going through. I have a lot of really close male friends, and people who don’t know me well assume I’m sleeping with most/all of them. On top of that, I have big boobs, and It’s almost impossible to find a shirt that hides them, and honestly, I don’t care either way. I do have a tendency to wear low cut shirts, mostly because most of the shirts I find that look good on me are low cut. This combination frequently causes people to assume I’m “easy” and “slutty.” I’ve had random guys ask me for “naughty pictures” or put their hands on my thigh (And they all get reported to the school administration for sexual harassment.) The thing is, I’m extremely uncomfortable regarding intimacy, both physical and emotional. I’m still a virgin, and I would like to wait until marriage. It’s partly religious, but mostly because I don’t think that I would be comfortable having sex with anyone other than my husband. I’ve seriously considered this decision, and have decided I would be comfortable staying a a virgin if I never marry. It’s just who I am, and I can’t change that. I wouldn’t if I could. And as soon as people realize their original assumption of me was wrong, I’m suddenly transformed into a prudish ice-queen who thinks to highly of herself and ought to loosen up. People are especially upset that I give “mixed signals” about how I act and dress, and how I really am. WTH! Clearly, what you can learn based on appearance alone is enough to brand someone for life. I’m just sick of it. So, I wear low cut clothing. So, I have a lot of guy friends. So, I have no problem asking a guy to dance when I go out ballroom dancing. So, I can discuss sex in detail on a purely academic level. Don’t assume that I’ll just hop right into bed with you! And when you realize that I’m the exact opposite of what you assumed, don’t go around saying that no man would ever want me, that no one in their right mind would marry a girl they haven’t had sex with, blah, blah, blah. It really isn’t any of your business. Besides, I don’t want a guy in his right mind. If I’m going to get married, I need a guy just as crazy as I am!
It’s true when you say society seems to have nothing in the middle between slut and prude. I have a friend who jokingly calls my a slutty prude. We are just basically making fun of both words.