I Can’t Have Sex Because He’s Too Big And It Doesn’t Fit. Help!

Hi Heather,

I really want to lose my virginity and have sex with my boyfriend. I’m totally ready. Except for one thing – he’s too big and doesn’t fit. We’ve tried so many times and it just won’t work. I don’t use tampons either because I can’t even get them up there. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ll never be able to have sex. Help!

I can totally understand your frustration here – you’re ready to have sex and for some reason, your body is sort of going against you. But don’t worry! This is an issue you can fix and you will be able to have sex one day.

It’s completely normal for girls who haven’t had sex yet to be very tight down there, so please don’t feel like you’re the only girl out there experiencing this. I’d say your best bet is to start small. If you haven’t been able to get a tampon up there yet, of course it’s going to be even more difficult to get anything else up there. So, start with the tampon and then move onto, um, bigger things.

The best, and really only, piece of advice I can give you here is to relax. Chances are, nothing is fitting down there because you’re too tense. That doesn’t mean you’re not ready to have sex – it means you’re probably stressed out by what’s been happening and you’re tightening your vaginal muscles up without even realizing it. Maybe you’re a little afraid of the pain or maybe you’re just thinking too much. Either way, you need to calm down and be as relaxed as possible before you try to put anything in there.

Like I said, I would start with a tampon. In the beginning, go for a light or regular sized tampon – don’t just jump to supers thinking it will help with the sex part later on. Get in as comfortable a position as you can with your legs spread apart and carefully insert the tampon into your vagina. Go slowly and definitely use a mirror so you can see what’s happening. You may feel a little bit of pressure and that’s normal. Remember to take deep breaths and to keep yourself as calm as possible.

Once you have the tampon stuff down, you can move onto the sex stuff. For your first time, take things slow and make sure you’re comfortable. Keep in mind that there may be a little bit of pain and there may even be a little bit of blood (all very normal for your first time). If you feel a ton of pain, stop and talk to a doctor, but otherwise just try to stay relaxed. Easier said than done, right? Try lighting some candles, playing some soft music or doing whatever it is that calms you down before you do the deed. I would strongly consider using lube to make things a little easier and having him try to loosen things up with his finger first.

It may take a little time, but as long as you take things slowly, stay calm and try all of this stuff, you should be okay.

take care,
Heather

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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22 Comments

  1. avatarRae says:

    I’m just reading these comments and learning so much. You all are so open with these great information. But can you help me?

    I’m not too young for sex but I’m still a virgin. Sex just scares me, the thought of someone inside of me kinda grosses me out. And when I read stories about girls loosing their virginities, it makes me stomach(beneath my bellybutton) and v****a ache(not in a pleasurable way).. I’m weird, I know.
    I’m not saying I never get horny and want sex..but I just can’t do it.
    I tried to loose my virginity to my last lover(on his bed, he was on top, he was 7in.) And I just couldn’t take it..

    Just yesterday, I tried to let my current lover finger me, and I wouldn’t let him go deeper because it hurt! And his fingers are slinder like mine.
    But here’s my bigger issue. My current lover(who I am deeply in love with, and he is with me) is 10in, and thick. I can deep throat him with oral sex just fine. And he loves anal sex with me.
    But..I don’t know if I’ll ever have vaginal sex with him. It’s like I’ve lost hope in even thinking I can loose my virginity to him..
    I’ve kinda accepted that all always be a Virgin.
    I’ve thought of options.. Like maybe if I was really drunk,and he was completely sober and aware of the situation, I could loose it easier\faster and not remember the pain. Or am I just being silly? Idk guys.. I’ve even gotten ideas that he should take my virginity while I’m not conscious.

    Anyone have suggestions? I have lube already.
    But good positions? This depresses me.

  2. avatarBritney says:

    Umm i actually have a question ive never had sex before but i really want to with this boy i know imma hear someone say im to young im 13 btw he’s 14 , we’ve done oral 2 and he has fingered me 3 times using one and two fingers and it hurt not to much but it definetly hurt well back to the question we tried to have sex i was laying down and he was on top , and his dick would not go in it would just stay at the out part of my vagina what should i do, i dont wanna stretch my vagina out myself cuz i want him to do tht but i dont think we could ( his a virgin to btw)

    • avatarlily says:

      Hi Britney,

      careful, don’t do things that hurt you…

      Whenever something doesn’t feel good, take a step back and slow down.

      Sex should never need to hurt – not even the first time.

      Good luck!

  3. avatarKeke says:

    I’m not a virgin and the first time was really hard for me. We had to try at least 3 times before it finally worked. After that the sex was great and happened most days. After 6 months he couldn’t get me wet and I thought it was just me.

    But now I’m with someone else and it’s clear I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore. My new boyfriend is much bigger than my ex and we’ve tried twice now but it’s just not happening. Each time we get it farther in than the last but it’s started to discourage me. He knows he’s big so he says it’s fine if it takes a long time. It took him and his ex over five times before she could handle him.

    So just relax and things will happen. I have experienced that foreplay is key. Find your turn ons and make sure he uses them. Us girls need to be pleasured enough to get wet and be able to relax.

  4. avatarFrstr8ed says:

    Well… I’m a dude who’s been trying with my girlfriend… I feel so defeated… Its not easy and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

  5. avatarAnonymous says:

    Hey so I had the same problem with tampons, and boys trying to get in there with their fingers. It legit felt like a wall of pain!
    BUT THERE IS HOPE!
    I lost my virginity last night to my boyfriend and it took THREE tries! He almost gave up but I didn’t let him. I didn’t even feel my “cherry pop”, and it it didn’t hurt until he actually got it in because he is very big. A 6’2″ basket player so you can imagine. Also I had to help him with my hands if you know what I mean…. sorry for details but I didn’t think I could ever have sex either, you probably understand how horrible I felt! But anyways you should go see a gyn if you’re really worried, I almost did!
    Good luck gorgeous I feel you xx

  6. avatarInga says:

    Hiya I’m 19 and I’m no longer a virgin my boyfriend was 24 and 9’2 he said it would hurt a lot he held me down sat on me and pushed it in it really hurt but then he took it out and did it again and it never hurt you will want to scream the first time but think how good it will make you feel good luck!

  7. avatarsammy says:

    Hey im still a virgin but lately I have been having the erge for sex I’m really worrying about it cause its my first time and i don’t really do pain much I really hope that you can help me thanks

  8. avatarChelsea says:

    Ugh im in the same predicament. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and still we have not have sex. We’ve tried a countless amount of times and it just doesnt work because one of us isnt in the mood or it starts hurting me too much. He cant put his finger in me nor can i put a tampon in and it really sucks because he just keeps telling me that I must not be ready but half the time its what Im thinking about. Ugh anyways hope you worked it out!

  9. avatarmadalena says:

    wow ! sounds like you were very young. How old were you? how old is he? My bf is a lot older too. I am 13 soon and I wanna do it. He is gonna get a place of his own soon so we wont have any problem with privacy and things.
    My bf is “big” too but he sez it isnt a problem and wont hurt if I relax. Just like you were saying. Did u get him to use a condom? were you scard ? was it scary wen he wus forcin it into you?
    I dunno, but I like wen he goes down on me so I guess it will feel real good :P

    • avatarLibby says:

      Oh hold up, doll. I’m not the kinda person to say “You’re too young to have sex!” but, for various reasons, twelve/thirteen is far too young. But more important is the legality. If he’s old enough to get his own place, he’s waaaay too old for you to have sex with. He could get in big trouble for statutory rape. You don’t want that! And, not to burst your bubble or freak you out or anything, but just because it feels good when he goes down on you (and it SO does lol) does NOT mean your first time will feel good (especially if he’s big.) The best thing you can do is try to relax, but–I’m speaking from experience here–it probably won’t feel good until the third, fourth, or fifth time.
      Best of luck!

    • avatarRosemarySalvatore says:

      What the hell are you thinking? Thirteen and already thinking about this predicaments? Anyways, I’m having a similar problem because well, I’m a small girl and my boyfriend is really really big. He’s 6’6 while I’m 5’0 so having sexual intercourse is a bit of a hassle. We’ve done it before and the only way it doesn’t seem to hurt is like someone else that commented here said, relaxed, legs apart with him between them and you controlling the movement at first.

    • avatarjasmine says:

      Oh, girl, I am worried about you… you are so young… And your bf is so much older.
      At 13 your body isn’t even fully prepared for intercourse yet.
      You really don’t need to rush!
      Take your time, enjoy what feels good, but please don’t let him rush you into having intercourse, and certainly not “force himself into you”! You deserve to go at your own pace.

  10. avatarAnna says:

    It happened to me too. My first time was so awkward. He tried so many times but it would not go in. He is much older and more experienced too. Also, it probably was because I kept tensing up and closing my legs and as he was trying to penetrate his penis would slip out. I could tell he was getting really frustrated and wanted to do it desperately. He had already done the one, two then three finger thing to stretch me. I am a lot younger than he is and this was most likely the reason. He kept telling me that I was still very very tight because of my age and that he didnt want to hurt me. He tried to get me to relax and made me rub my clit a lot to make sure I was having an orgasm. We had done a lot of oral and I cummed several times. I was so wet and messy and he felt I was ready
    What happened was he pulled me to the edge of the bed and he stood between my legs so I couldn’t close my legs as he tried to penetrate me. He used a lot of KY on his penis and squirted some into me.
    He made me hold his penis and pulled his foreskin back. He made me guide him and then he forced himself inside me. It didnt hurt at all, just felt a wee stretch but it felt good as he pushed it in harder and started movin his hips.
    I think it would have been easier if I was less anxious. It was an awesome experience.

    • avatarAnonymous says:

      yes this happened to me too! I felt so shit at first because I could tell he was frustrated. But even though it didn’t work when I went to the washroom there was blood so I knew we could try again, and we did. IT WORKED and I had to show him where to go and soon enough he had me screaming and banging the wall :’) It only hurt when he got deep haha. But at that point I wasn’t nervous anymore, more determined to get it done than anything! (My boyfriend is 6’2 lol and a basketball player so quiiiiteeeee big)

  11. avatarValerie says:

    Tayyy what the…? Your boyfriend is 6’8”? WHAT?

  12. avatarBrendaB says:

    Hi, yes try a very small finger and plenty of lube.. relax and go slow.. best of luck..

  13. avatarrainbowpony16 says:

    It may also be because of the position you are in! When I lost my virginity, we couldn’t get it in in missionary position. Try lifting your hips, putting a pillow under your butt, or doing girl-on-top to open things up a bit!
    And relax :)
    Happy sexing!

  14. avatarBrenda says:

    If you can’t even get a tampon in, you might actually have vaginismus. It’s an unconscious tightening of the vaginal muscles, even when you want to have sex. Using vaginal dilators really helped me. Also doing kegals and relaxation exercises. Almost every vagina is built to birth a baby, so it’s very very rare for a vagina to literally be to small for a penis, no matter how big. It is much more likely that you suffer from this problem.

    • avatarJessica Booth says:

      While this is true, I wouldn’t worry about having that condition just yet. It’s very common for girls who haven’t used a tampon or lost their virginity yet to be tight down there. It’s more likely a combination of nerves and stress that are making things more difficult.

  15. avatarTayy says:

    This happened to me. I’d say have him finger you starting with his pinky(lubrication is key in any sex act, whether from mouth or a packet). My bofriend is very tall (6’8) so all his limbs and stuff are big so his pinky is the size of my ring finger(im only 5’4) and he could barely do that the first time. Take a deep breathe, close your eyes and you’ll be fine. Gradually move up finger size and then try the penis. Your first time may involve some pain which is totally natural. Good luck girly.

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