When Should You Make Your Relationship Official? Here’s How To Know & How To Do It

When you start dating someone new, the number one thing you start thinking about is probably when you should make your relationship official. Am I right? Wondering when to start calling that dude you’ve been hooking up with your boyfriend can be super stressful. If you say it at the wrong time, it can destroy any chance of a future relationship – but the same thing can happen if you wait too long. Argh.

Well, a recent study done by both Zoosk and Glamour revealed something a little bit surprising about when to make things official. They took a look at over 1,000 girls and 1,000 dudes and this is what they found: 25 percent of women think that you should wait “at least a few months” before making things legit, while 43 percent of guys thought “it takes a couple of good dates.”

So, how do you know when to make your sort-of-relationship an official relationship? That can be a little bit tricky.

Here’s something important that you need to remember: you have every right to ask the dude you’ve been hooking up with what he wants and if he’s interested in being your boyfriend. I know too many girls who are too afraid to ever bring up the Big Talk because they’re worried that it’s going to scare the guy off. That is ridiculous. 

Listen, girls: if bringing up the r-word (relationship) is really going to scare the guy off, then he was never interested in seriously dating you to begin with and waiting longer was most likely not going to change that. That may sound harsh, but it’s true. If a guy is interested and worth your time, he’s not going to go running out the door when you ask him about being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Back to the first question. How do you know when it’s time to bring it up? I’m siding with the guys here: it’s best to wait until after a couple of great dates and hang out seshs. Don’t be all like, “BE MY BOYFRIEND” in the middle of a first date, okay? That will freak anyone out. Wait a few weeks, after you guys have been hanging out for a little while. This will give you both time to get to know each other and to figure out if you’d like to be in a relationship together. It will also give you time to get more comfortable to talk to him about it.

make it official

Want this? Sometimes you need to be strong and ask for it yourself. | Source: ShutterStock

Okay, so then how do you bring it up? I know that starting this conversation with a dude can be awkward, uncomfortable and completely nerve-wracking. Trust me, I know. I’ve done it a million times and let me just tell you guys something: I am really shy. So if I can talk about this with dudes, anyone can. I promise.

Like I said, this might be a slightly awkward convo – there might be no getting around that. But it’s worth it! Would you rather be lame and sit around waiting to hear what he thinks or would you rather take the initiative and find out where his head is on your own? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Here’s what to do: first of all, this conversation should happen in person, not through text messages, Facebook chats or even on the phone. Second of all, you should be relatively calm when you bring it up. The worst time to do this is in the middle of a fight or in the middle of sex.

When asking your guy what he wants and if he wants to make the relationship official, you just need to be blunt. There’s no beating around the bush. Just say something like this: “I think we’ve been having a lot of fun these past few weeks and I really like you. I just want to know what you want out of this relationship? Are you interested in getting serious or are you not looking for anything like that?” Yes, ladies, you do have to tell him how you feel.

Another important thing to keep in mind: going into this, you need to know what you want. If you want a relationship, you need to say that. If you don’t, say that too. And don’t agree to things you don’t want. If the guy says he has no interest in being serious, he means it. Don’t be like, “Oh, okay, we can be friends with benefits” and secretly hope he’ll change his mind. He won’t. As much as it sucks, you may need to cut ties with him if things don’t go well. Don’t settle for something you don’t want just to be with him in some way!

Basically, this is a conversation that needs to happen. I know waaaayyyy too many girls who have been hooking up with a guy they really like for months and are too afraid to ask him what he wants. And you know what? These girls aren’t happy. They’re stressed because they have no clue what this dude wants because they’re too scared to say what they want. And you deserve better than that.

So, for lack of a better choice of words, man up and have The Talk with your guy after a few weeks of dating. No matter what happens, I promise that you won’t regret figuring things out on your own.

Have you ever had The Talk with a guy? What did you say? Are you afraid to ask to make things official? Tell us in the comments.

 

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21 Comments

  1. avatarMaggie says:

    I feel betrayed. I started off right with this guy that lives a little bit away from me by keeping it friendly and cool. He initiated dating with me and I somehow became more invested than I was initially thinking…. Which is fine with me, just creates some adjusting haha. So we had the dating talk, I asked him that we would let the other know if we went on dates with others and he asked me if “I saw this “thing” working out” I said why not? We had the attraction, laughter and also a small town history with the respect of eachothers’ families.

    So now I’m here waiting for him to chase me, I’ve realized three months into this “relationship” I’ve only been the one to drive the distance to see him. And now this last weekend we went to a wedding together and he joked with me he doesn’t see himself getting married… And that he has never had a girlfriend and he was surprised that I had not left him like all the other girls had after the three month mark…

    So he’s pushing me away… I get it… But I feel like it’s something I should walk away from instead of pursue. If he wanted me he’d make the effort to visit… And the I’m so busy talk (he really is in reality) but the fact he doesn’t make time for me is an issue.

    Should I lay down the hammer on him and call him out for the first provoking of having me think of us being together as an actually possiblity when in reality he never saw it happening? Or just not bother?

    My advice is three months with knowing if it’s real relationship material but you should have that conversation first month to be exclusive (or at least common courtesy to tell the other when you’re going on a date with someone else) you deserve to have someone invest time into you, just like you’re doing in getting to know them.

    • avatarHannah says:

      Dump him. He doesn’t think your worth it as there’s plenty of men who will think you are..! Think of your quality of life, don’t settle for anything less than the best x

  2. avatarCam says:

    So I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months now. We’ve exchanged gifts, Christmas and valentine’s day and he’s even taken me to a wedding with his parents. I’ve brought up the subject with him a couple times and he says he wants the same things but just to be patient. It’s been 6 months how more patient can I be?! Last time I brought it up was in the beginning of March and he still said the same thing. We act like we’re in a relationship but there’s still no title and I don’t know why he’s taking so long. He was in a four year relationship before me but they broke up a year ago. Am I just wasting my time or should I bring it up again or call it quits?

    • avatarJordyn says:

      Girl, you need to walk away. After six months, there is no reason for you to have to “be patient” so that he do what he wants guilt-free. Tell him that you’re sorry, but you’re looking for something serious, and if it’s not going to be with him then you have to move on. Then you have to CUT TIES. So talking to him, texting him, seeing him etc. I can almost guarantee that within two weeks he’ll be banging down your door. However, if he isn’t – is this the kind of guy you want to be with, the kind who will never commit to you? At this point, you have been patient – and you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.

    • avatarHannah says:

      He’s definitely not worth your attention. He’s using you and he’s not the one that will make you happy like your dreams. Cut all ties and put your middle finger up to him and find a man who will treat you right. Mr right is out there but it’s definitely not this guy!

  3. avatarAlex says:

    Well, a few weeks ago me and this guy finally had the guts to say how we feel about each other. But it was my decision since I was scared of being friend zoned, and it worked well we both found how that we both have feelings for each other. Okay so like the second time we were alone we had sex. I know it was way too soon and not a good way to start a relationship with someone after sleeping with them. But even after having sex he still texts we still hangout and he holds my hands or puts his arm around me in front of his friends and even when we’re outside. I’m hoping thats a good sign, I don’t want to think he just sees me as someone he could sleep with. I want to have the relationship talk but I don’t know whens the right time to do so. How long should I wait to talk to him about it?

    • avatarHannah says:

      Sounds like he’s ready for that talk but he’s a man so don’t wait for him to express his feelings.
      Have the relationship talk, if he’s holding your hand in front of his friends he definitely wants you to be his girlfriend !

  4. avatarFiona says:

    I have been seeing this guy for 4 months now. We spent valentines together (he came home from college two hours away from where we both live, I am at a junior college, he at university). We exchanged Christmas gifts (we both got each other fake hedgehogs, without knowing that’s what the other was getting) and he chose to spend New Years with me instead of his friends. He texts/calls every night to say goodnight and we are in contact throughout the day. I am wondering why he wouldn’t have initiated this conversation by now, as he has expressed that his mother and sister want to get to know me better as well!! Any thoughts?? Please!

    • avatarKathy says:

      This sounds like you guys really are on the same boat. You should bring it up, especially if his mother and sister want to get to know you better as well. Next time he comes around bring it up. Once his mom and sister meet you, he can’t very well introduce you as a friend….unless he goes through all this trouble with all of his girlfriends. He could be just as scared as you are to bring it up or wondering why you haven’t done so!

    • avatarAlex G. says:

      He probably thinks that the both of you are already in a relationship. America is one of the only places that has this ridiculous though of making everything “official”. In any other country if you have been going on dates and seeing her consistently then it automatically makes you bf/gf. There is no would you like to go out with me bullcrap. Becasue the fact is you have been going out with that person.

    • avatarHannah says:

      He’s too afraid to bring it up. Most men find it hard to talk about feelings.
      Tell him how you feel. He’s definitely in to you. You won’t regret the outcome of the chat

  5. avatarChannnie says:

    Well, I have been seeing this guy for 3 months now and I absolutely adore him. We get along really well and have pretty much the same sense of humor. When we are together it just feels so right. With him, I feel so comfortable and I’ve never been really comfortable around a guy before. I’ve done things with him that I’ve never done around/for someone else. We have been on a few dates: movies, dinners and they went really well and we’ve have been hanging out a lot prior to those dates. It’s always a good time with him, we always have fun and the chemistry feels amazing! I haven’t had the talk with him yet because I never really knew how to bring it up before reading this page so I thankyou for the advice. There has been times when I have told him how I felt and even said “you should be my boyfriend” to him but he always just laughed it off. He has told me that he likes me as well. He’s an amazing guy and I think next time we go out I’m going to man up and just talk to him about it! I’m hoping it works out:)

  6. avatarjaylyn says:

    i met this dude and we have been seeing each other for 4 months now…we have been chilling…going out to eat and going out on dates but when i asked him about being official he said that he lik how things are because we are friends and thats how he want to start off with being friends and he just was engaged before he met me so he just wanna go with the flow and see how things are but i want to be in a relationship now…should i just move on and forget about him or just take our time and wait til he is ready?

  7. avatarAnonymous says:

    Well I asked a guy the big question only after about a week of talking/hanging out because he seemed to be getting really serious with the relationship and so when we talked about it he was totally for it and said he hadent asked because he was a fraud I would turn him down. So its always good to ask cause you never know:) Don’t waste your time!! Good luck girls:)

  8. avatarJake says:

    I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks now, been on one great date but other great night outs with her and friends. but what i cant make sense of is that she says “i really like you” etc and sometimes talks about the future together but when we start talking in person about our relationship turning it to BF/GF then she says “time will tell” and “we will see over time”.. i mean what does this mean?? .. we kiss all the time, are very comfortable together, shes a shy type at times and we have already had sex but i need help on wanting to be with her officially as i like this girl quite abit.

  9. avatarJerome says:

    I met my girlfriend through a dating website called zoosk. I had been separated from my wife for 6 months previously so I was ready to meet someone. After texting and having an obvious connection and physical attraction we went on a few dates. It was like magicbbetween us, the chemistry was amazing. We both had said that we really liked each other and after about 3 weeks of dating it just felt right to tell her I wanted to make things official while on a date in person. She said that’s what she wanted too. I was very nervous because I didn’t know if she was looking to just be with me or just having fun… I’m glad I said what I wanted because now I’m happier than ever.

  10. avatarBrendee says:

    I have never had the talk with a guy before. I’ve only had one boyfriend my whole life and it was only for a month therefore, I have never fallen in love. I’m okay with it but at the same time, it has turned me into a person who always has their guards up. The reason to why is because I’ve seen all my friends fall in love and it was never good. I’m scared sometimes to deal with a heartbreak and don’t like to settle for less either. But there is a guy I’m currently talking to and we’ve gone on a couple dates already. This would be our 3rd week of seeing each other and so far, everything is great. However, i have been thinking lately about us and the future but I haven’t asked him anything about it yet. I always mess around with him though saying stuff like, “just wanted to call my boo tonight to say goodnight” and he will say things to me like “when will i meet my mother in law?” which i feel like is considered as something towards “the talk.” Haha but yes I will admit, I am scared to bring up the talk simply because I have never been in a serious relationship and I’m scared to be in one. Especially when I also think it will ruin things with him. But I couldn’t agree more with the fact that if it ruins things with him because I asked an important question, then he probably isn’t a good guy and its time to move on. But I know I will soon because I really do like him, and if taking a shot with getting my heart broken is what I have to deal with, then at least I can say I tried.

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