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Hi Heather,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and I really want to lose my virginity to him. I feel ready. The problem is… my mom. She thinks I’m a saint and that I’m not going to lose it until I’m, like, 30. I would do it behind her back or something, but she notices everything about me. Some people say when you eventually do lose your virginity, you walk differently and your body changes. I’m scared that she’s going to notice that I did the dirty deed. What should I do?
Good news, girl: I seriously doubt your mom is going to be able to tell when you’ve lost your virginity just by looking at you… unless she has superpowers, that is. In that case, you might be in trouble.
There are a lot of virginity myths out there and what you’re talking about happens to be one of them. Once you have sex for the first time, it’s not going to be obvious to anyone around you. You’re not going to walk differently for days after. You may be hurting a little bit, but that shouldn’t affect the way you’re walking – and if the sex really is that painful for you, that might be an issue to talk to your doctor about. Your body isn’t going to start transforming right in front of your eyes, either. Here’s what happens when you lose your virginity: your hymen breaks. Or sometimes it doesn’t, if it already broke from something else in the past.
The only way your body will change drastically after having sex for the first time is if you get pregnant or get an STD or STI. And those three things can easily be prevented by wearing a condom.
Awesome news, right? Look, if you feel ready to lose your virginity to your boyfriend, then go for it. Honestly, your mom is probably never going to want you to have sex. Why would she want that? You’re her daughter! But when it comes to stuff like this about our bodies, we need to do what we want and not what others want.
Keep in mind that you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about having, and enjoying, sex – even from your mom. Sex is a part of life and it’s something your mom is going to have to eventually accept. Sex is also personal. You don’t have to tell your mom if you don’t want to! For now, focus on figuring out if losing your virginity is something you definitely want – don’t focus on whether or not your mom will be able to tell.
take care,
Heather
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Honestly? Girls need advice like this. Moms freaking out scare us, and we do what we feel we are ready for but always in paranoia. This “fear” constantly looming in the back of my mind has caused some major issues. Waiting for marriage does not guarantee anything-that the guy will be honest with you, or gentle with you, or even clean without STD’s. Things are not the way they used to be a few generations back (the way our parents and grandparents tell us it was). It seems like back then teenagers were treated more as adults, and that seems to be exactly what we need, and exactly how this post is treating the girl who asked the question. And it’s not like a girl can just hop to the nearest Planned Parenthood for some support. When my mom found out about me getting a cervical examination she could not stop sobbing. And I am 20. I am always worried something might trigger the emotions again. I am literally living on eggshells, and I can’t wait to move away. Some girls are just more curious and “independent” than others, and we end up smacked with the scarlet letter. I remember being 16 and thinking being a grown up was so full of exciting mysteries. Ironically, parents telling me to be careful and putting airs around the whole “marriage” and “bond between man and woman” thing is exactly what made me want to grow up and take risks because I thought it was exciting and heck, being a teenager in comparison seemed boring. (I do believe marriage is sacred despite what I say.) We love our moms dearly, but I wish they could see us more as the growing, nasty, biological humans we are than as little angels. I feel so lonely because of this. And i feel for all the girls out there who go through the same. Instead of bringing us closer, parental fear only tends to alienate us more. I know moms are afraid of us missing out on life because of a pregnancy, or an STD, or heartbreak, And you can tell us to wait all you want, but nothing changes the hurt, through marriage, divorce, breakups, death. Pain is a part of life, just teach us how to embrace it so we can live gracefully. That’s it. Thanks. Just accept us and i promise we will listen to you all more.
She wasn’t promoting her virginity loss OR lying to her mother, only to do what’s right for her when she’s ready AND to be safe about it!
P.S. I’m a parent of a teenage daughter. And no, I’m not thrilled about the idea of her virginity loss – but I’m glad to know websites like this one exist in case she’s too uncomfortable coming to us for information (we try to arm her with anyway).
We’re just encouraging her to do what feels right for her. We’re not encouraging her to lose her virginity or lie to her mother – we’re just encouraging her to do what she’s comfortable with, since this is her body and ultimately her decision.
Unbelievable! Telling a young girl to lose her virginity!!! This website is a joke! All you “adults” should be ashamed of yourselves!!!! (speaking to the young girl) honey, please don’t go through with it, you will regret it and your mom will know. You’re very young and have time for all that. Being married first before you have sex is the best, but at least wait till you’re older. If you want to have a close relationship with your mom don’t lie to her. More than likely you’ll have a husband when your mom passes away. Spend time with her now. Boys come later.
what an absured website is it on which a girl is advised to make just enjoyment on back of her mother.just for relaxation of body you are going to decieve such a sacred relation of you mother…!!!shame for all of us….you’ll remind your mother’s wish of not loosin virginity when you’ll get marry and your husband will not satisfy with your past….my advice is there plz obey your parent always…..boyfriend will enjoy and leave afterward…if your boyfriend and you want to have sex then you should marry its quite approperiate way of enjoying…in this way your mom will happy and the happines of parents is the best thing in the world….
What a load of crock Jen. I agree with Heather and jessica booth. There is too much negativity these days. Why should anyone regret having sex if there is a positive side to it. Why does one have to wait for marriage? How does waiting for marriage make it right? Will I be guaranteed that the guy I marry will never have had sex too? Arent you just a bunch of old fashioned idiots who like to stifle expression or freedom. Why should her mom know. This is her body, her emotions her life. Give her the tools to deal with the situation. When a girl starts asking these questions, remember she will start becoming sexually active very soon. Telling her NOT to do it wont stop her. Telling her she will regret what shes done will NOT stop her. Those are outmoded ways and a form of control that parents exert because they cannot handle the fact that their child is sexually active. Let me tell you, there are so many 12 and 13 yr olds who are doing it or having sexual experiences one way or the other. They dont tell their parents because they will get responses like yours. The least you can do is to prepare her for things like STDs and pregnancy. Let her decide if she wants to have sex or not. The best way to encourage a girl to go out and be sexually active is to try and control her or give her bullsh** advice like you want to. Girls will rebel and will do it behind your back. Do you want that happening. This is the reality. Get with the times. I lost mine at 12 with someone who was in university. No one knows and my mom doesnt know still. I dont think she would have been able to handle the fact that I was having sex with an older guy. I loved it. I enjoyed it. The emotions were awesome. I dont regret it at all.
shut the hell up.
you do realize shes not telling her to HAVE sex, that’s not her decision she just trying to guide her if she DOES decide to go on with it. its her body not yours. if shes ready then you can’t stop her.and this website is actually is not joke it has empowered me as a 13 year old and is giving advice to young girls not to feel bad about themselves and to just enjoy life and live to be beautiful young adults we can be. this website is awesome so if you old- fashioned bats dont like it then leave. -_-