Does Your First Time Having Sex Set The Tone For The Rest of Your Sex Life?

Will your first time having sex impact the way your sex life will be forever? A new study suggests that it will… but I’m not really buying it. 

The study, which was published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, looked at over 300 people and found that those people who had a satisfying first time found their future sex lives “more fulfilling.” Similarly, they found that the people who were nervous or anxious when losing their virginity didn’t experience a particularly positive future sex life.

The lead researcher in the study, Dr. Matthew Shaffer said, “While this study doesn’t prove that a better first time makes for a better sex life in general, a person’s experience of losing their virginity may set the pattern for years to come.” So basically, according to this research, if you lose your virginity with someone you love and have a great experience, your future sex life will be more similar to your first time. And vice versa.

There are a few reasons why I have my doubts about this research. For one thing, the study was done on college students aged 18-22. Now, I’m not saying that it’s not possible for those students to have experienced a lot since their first time, but… don’t you think this study would have made more sense if the researchers looked further into the future? As the Huffington Post states, “the average American boy loses his virginity at 16.9 and the average girl at 17.4.” Do the math: the people in this study probably haven’t even been having sex for very long. Your sex life can change so much as you get older! As HuffPo says, “All this study suggests is that a good first time can lead to good sex in your early 20s.”

The other reason why I’m not buying this is because I don’t know many people who have had a spectacular, amazing first time. And that’s not a bad thing! Losing your virginity can be awkward, a little uncomfortable and kind of confusing. And it’s supposed to be, because it’s the first time you’re having sex. How are you supposed to know what you’re doing?! Saying that those who felt nervous or anxious during their first time won’t have a great future sex life sounds ridiculous to me. Who wasn’t even a teensy bit nervous their first time?!

I think what this study may be trying to say is that our first time having sex affects our attitude towards sex in the future and not the actual sex. I guess that would make a little bit more sense, but I still don’t fully agree with it.

Yes, a traumatizing first time may negatively affect your sex life forever. But at the same time, there are a lot of people who have had bad first times and then learn to love and appreciate sex later in life. You could have an awesome first time with an amazing guy – but then later, you could sex with dudes who have no idea what they’re doing. The point is, sexual experiences are subjective and everyone’s first time is different… and for most people, it’s not perfect. And saying that a great first time equals great sex for the future? I’m not so sure about that.

Do you agree with this study? What was your first time having sex like? Did it set the tone for your future sex life? Tell me in the comments.


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  • Emon

    I want to lose my virginity,bcoz still i’m a virgin boy.thereas, sex is the part of life n everyone now doing sex very erliar,why m i not?problem is that i have 2 girlfriends they are agreed with that but i’m not getting any safe place for losing mine virginity.

  • nancy612

    i am 15 and my boyfriend is 16 wer thinking of having sex , i mean wev been together for almost a year now but wev been knowing each other for 4 years now and we think wer ready but im just too nervous but i think it will be a great experience for both of us because wer both virgins 🙂 i have a question if my period is going to start march 1st do i have a low or high chance of getting pregnat with using the condom ofcource but what if it breaks thats why im asking . help 🙂

  • kimmie

    what about girls losing their virginity at a much earlier age than was studied. I lost mine very early to an older guy I adored and am still with. Yes I was nervous and anxious and worried that I might get into trouble. Thankfully he had his own place and we had the privacy. There is so much negative publicity about such relationships but they dont have to be all bad. It hasnt affected my school grades and so far its been great but because of my age keeping it quiet has been a challenge. Its all good.

    • Mia

      If you are still in school, your relationship isn’t just something that gets bad publicity. It is illegal for him to sleep with you. It’s rape. I don’t want to offend you, but there is a reason that the laws are designed that way, and it’s to keep vulnerable children and teens safe from sexual predators. I would really recommend you think about why such an older guy would need to be with someone as young as you and what he is getting out of this. If you feel like you have to hide your relationship, that’s usually a good sign that something is REALLY wrong with it.

      Seriously, I wish I could meet you for a cup of cofee and talk you through this. I know it feels like love — maybe it is love. But love can sometimes be misguided and lead you to make mistakes that you can’t take back. What he is doing is illegal and if anyone, ANYONE were to find out, this could mess up both your lives so badly. Get out while its still easy (or, relatively easy). I wish you the best.

      • kimmie

        Mia first of all this is NOT rape. You may define it as rape. I dont. He hasnt forced me. He is nicer to me than my parents.
        Secondly, what is wrong with an older guy being interested in someone younger. There is nothing abnormal about that. Maybe to you because thats the way your narrow mind works.
        I am NOT a vulnerable child. This is my decision.
        Yes we both enjoy sex, NOT just him. I agree he really enjoys sex with me. He was my very first and I stayed with him those 4 days because my parents were busy fighting. But I am sure he isnt a predator as you describe him!! He was kind, caring, very gentle and it seemed like I was in heaven. I was nervous and anxious.
        I have to hide the relationship because of the stupid law. I would be delighted to show him off. He is gorgeous.There is NOTHING wrong with our relationship. To me what we are doing isnt illegal. If I had a chance I would go to mexico where it is legal.
        So you like others seem to have the same narrow minded mentality.
        And yes tis may not be love. It may be infatuation but what we have is magical, beautiful and I feel so safe with him.

    • dierdre

      Hey Kimmie, studies are not gospel. They are a general guideline. Sex, emotions, love cannot be quantified and are at best very subjective.
      What you do with your life is your business, not for anyone else to judge. Also dont let people brainwash you into believing that what you are doing is bad. Love is complex and love and affection does lead to wanting to have sex which is what you have done albeit with an older guy. Seems like you are thriving in the relationship and things are going well. People will want you to believe that he is using you and what he is doing is illegal. What you do is as I said only your business. Not for the law not for anyone else. People will want to try and help yu if thay find out that you are having sex with an older guy and as a knee jerk response, without getting their facts right will make complaints to the law. So if you want to continue the relationship just make sure you are safe and take precautions against STDs and pregnancy, dont let your grades in school drop and dont tell anyoneone about you and him.
      Mis says love can be misguided and wants to help you prevent making mistakes. That is so presumptive of her to think that you are stupid and need help to “avoid mistakes” This is the stupidity about what I was referring to.
      She also goes on to refer to him as a sexual predator when in fact you have engaged him and have been in a relationship. You see how narrow minded people are. Jst because he is a lot older makes them think that he is a predator. Just stupidity to the core. Attraction again like love is a complex situation. No one still understands this. No one questioned why during our grandparents days teens were married off at 13 yrs. So was that legalised paedophilia. Well we need to accuse all our grandparents then of such criminal acts. LOL.
      Then they use the word “rape” There is no suggestion in your comments that he has forced you into having sex. Just because you are very young DOES NOT make this rape because the law deems it that way. People need to have some commonsense.

      • maria

        I love Dierdre’s comments. Wow!! Wow! and for once someone gave some very clear, down to earth, normal advice with so much practicality. You need to study Political Science and become one of our Political Leaders. It is so silly and Pathetic that we have to put up with all the stupid legalities in society these days.

    • Leena

      Kimmie, it doesnt matter what age you are when you first start having sex. What matters is that you are okay with it, comfortable and enjoying the whole experience and that the guy is treating you very well and cares for you. This is the only recipe that is so important. It really doesnt matter if he is mush older. There is a lot of bad press about older guys and how they may be taking advantage of us. This is total crap. No one takes advantage of us unless we want them to.
      I started having sex when I was almost 12. He was in his 20s then and it was such an adventure. It was great and I enjoyed myself so much. He was the sweetest guy you could ever find and I am still with him. He always looked out for me and he cared for me more than my folks did. He clearly agreed that he enjoyed me sexually because I was young. I liked him because he was older and I liked his maturity and the way he treated me.

      Mia is just narrow minded. Dont listen to her.

  • Samantha

    I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, who I am still with, in March 2012. I was EXTREMELY nervous, but it was still perfect, and we have a pretty great sex life now. I know he lost his virginity to one girl before me, and he said it was horrible, because he wasn’t in love with her like he’s in love with me and he didn’t like it at all. I don’t think that means he is unsatisfied with our sex life, or that his attitude toward sex is “bad” because his first time was bad.