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Hi Heather,
I have a friend we’ll call J who has been dating a guy for a really long time. But I think he’s just a cover-up because I think J is a lesbian. A girl who’s a lesbian lives in her neighborhood, and J hangs out with her all of the time. She always blows off her boyfriend to hang out with this girl. She’s also super protective of this girl whenever anyone says anything about her. I also saw her texting the girl once and she said “I love you.” It seems so fishy. I’ve asked her if there’s anything going on, but she denies it… but I don’t believe her. I want to know the truth, so how can I find out?
Sorry to tell you this, but you probably aren’t going to find out whether your friend is a lesbian or not for sure until she’s ready to talk about it with you. I completely understand being curious about what is going on in your friend’s life, especially when things might seem a little shady, but this is her life and her business – not anyone else’s.
Yes, you could spy on your friend, continue to go through her text messages and analyze the things you see on your own time. You might be able to figure things out then. But honestly? It’s really none of your business and doing all of that isn’t really being a good friend to J. And even if you do all of that, you probably still won’t get the full story. When J is ready to tell you what’s going on, she will. Until then, snooping on her isn’t fair. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if your friends were watching your every move, right?
The other thing to keep in mind here is that just because J is hanging out with a lesbian doesn’t automatically make her one. It’s 100 percent possible for them to just be really good friends – we all have the tendency to get defensive over our besties, and I know plenty of girls who say “I love you” to their friends, myself included. It’s not fair to either of those girls to assume that there’s more than friendship happening just because one of them happens to be a lesbian.
And if J is a lesbian and is cheating on her boyfriend with a girl? Well, then I’m sure she’s having a pretty hard time right now. If that’s what is going on, she’s probably really confused about things. What she needs right now is a friend to have her back. But asking her straight up if she’s a lesbian isn’t the way to go about things. If you want to help J and be there for her, reach out to her by saying something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve seemed kind of stressed lately. Is everything alright?”
If she wants to talk, let her talk. If she doesn’t, don’t push it. Trying to force some sort of confession out of her is only going to push her away – and it’s probably going to make you lose a friend. The bottom line is that this is J’s business and not yours, like I said. She doesn’t have any obligation to tell you or anyone else anything about her sexual orientation until she’s ready to. Coming out is a very personal thing and can be very hard for some people. Sometimes it can take a long time. Be respectful and give J her time to figure things out. The best thing you can do is be supportive and let J know that you’ll be her friend no matter what.
take care,
Heather
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She could by bisexual?