From The Message Boards: Is It Okay To Go After Your Best Friend’s Ex?

Going for your BFF's ex is bad news, trust me. Source: Shutterstock

Going for your BFF’s ex is bad news, trust me. Source: Shutterstock

Oh to be young and in love. Now I’m old and “dating” to me means having someone to sit on the couch and eat pizza with, which I guess means I’m dating my roommate. Whatever, I’m happy to be single at the moment because I don’t have to experience all of these crazy relationship problems that y’all are dealing with.

But I’m happy to live vicariously through you and help! I remember those days and what it’s like. I saw this problem on the boards this week: is it okay for me to date my best friend’s ex? I was instantly transported back to my younger years. I’ll go into my story in a minute, but let’s see what y’all had to say!

skaitlin said:
Trust me when I say that you should be putting your friend first. You are a teenager. Relationships with guys will come and go, as will your feelings for these guys. Your friends are the ones who will be there for you through the difficult things in your life and I would say that you need to respect your friends feelings. Obviously, she can’t control you, but it would be pretty disrespectful to date this guy at this point. The only other option is to try and talk with her about it and share your honest feelings and see if you can come to a compromise.

Special_K said:
I’m maybe the minority when it comes to my feelings on this situation. If she is done and over with him, and also hops guy to guy, then I don’t know why it’s any of her business. You could lose her friendship, so it’s something to think about. But if you really like this guy, then I think she’s abusing the friendship card when it comes to you spending time with him. It’s all about what you stand for in situations like these. I think it depends on how and why they broke up. If he was a dirt bag, then stand by your friend. But if not, then it’s none of her concern who you date. Just my two cents.

and_all_that_jazz_x3 said:
You definitely have to do a cost-benefit analysis here.

Your friend does not own you and does not own her ex. You can do what you want and she should respect that, especially since she is already dating someone else. However, as someone who is currently dating a friend’s ex, I will tell you that your relationship with her will never be the same. For me, I was willing to make that sacrifice because I knew she was not worth losing him over. I still feel that same way after over a year of dating him – that may not be true for you.

Ask yourself: Do you ACTUALLY have feelings for this guy, or do you like him because you’ve been single for a long time and he likes you? Is a relationship with him something that you see lasting a significant amount of time? What will your life be like without her?

This is such a touchy subject, but I have to go with NO. Even if your friend is dating someone else. You do not go after your friends’ exes. I dated a guy for a very long time, and when we broke up he started dating my best friend (like absolute-grew-up-together best friend) behind my back. Had she asked me beforehand if it was okay with me I still wouldn’t have been okay with it. It’s just not okay. And I could never imagine doing that to one of my friends.

Think about it. You’re dating someone, being intimate, sharing your life and heart with this other person, but you break up. So then imagine that person with your best friend, or even a good friend really. NO. That just doesn’t fly. The only way I would say to go for it is if you and said guy talk to your friend about it, and she gives her blessing. I still feel weird about it with approval.

Do you think it’s okay to go for your friend’s ex? What if your friend has moved on? Tell me in the comments!

Need advice on a different topic? Do you have a story you want to share? Post your own thoughts and questions in our boards and start chatting with other girls.


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  • Kelly

    Guys during high school will come and go but best friends are always there for you. You may not be her property, but its gonna suck if you don’t have a best friend or a boyfriend in case it doesn’t work out.

  • DejahRene298

    Me and my sister(we are twins) have a “Sister Code Rule” for this type of situation. We are not allowed to date each others exes or anyone who has previously asked out a twin. This works for us because it protects each others feelings. Even though we may have broken up with someone we may still have feelings for them and to see them everyday loving your sister/best friend is heartbreaking(its almost like a form of jealousy). The only exception is when the twin who was asked out or the girlfriend of a previous ex says that its okay and that they no longer have feelings for that person.

  • Lauren

    I think your assessment is really unfair. For short-term, high school relationships I can understand what you’re saying. However, things change when you get older and when you know exactly what you’re looking for in a life partner.

    I’m dating a friend’s ex. She dated him for 11 months in college. He and I have been dating for several years and are in the process of moving in together. Our relationship is far more serious than what theirs ever was. Perhaps I’m biased, but I don’t think it’s fair to try and prevent a friend from being with someone who truly makes them happy just because you and he have a history.