How To Handle Friend Fights Before Calling A Therapist

Don't let it get to this point. Source Shutterstock

Don’t let it get to this point. Source Shutterstock

Girls fight. There’s no way to avoid it, really. It comes down to human nature and that you’re not going to get along with everyone. But when you get into a tiff with your friends, how do you handle it?

Some women have been turning to friendship counseling and have ended up spending thousands of dollars. Two women spent three thousand dollars to mend their strained relationship. Three thousand dollars! That’s a bit excessive, right?

The idea of friendship counseling seems pretty solid to me, actually. There’s relationship counseling and family counseling. So, why not for friendships too? But I think there are a lot of steps to take with a friendship before getting to that point of counseling.

Over the years, I’ve lost friends for one reason or another. And to tell you the truth, I can’t name a single one of them that I’d go to a friend counselor with. Sometimes people grow apart, and that’s totally okay. And sometimes if there is a toxic person in your life, you might need to let them go.

I have a lot of girlfriends that are scared of confrontation, even now as adults. It’s actually a really big issue that I’m seeing among girls these days. We’re so afraid of someone being unhappy or mad at us that we don’t take the time to address small issues before they blow up. And then when it does blow up it takes forever to fix. I find myself caught in the middle of issues between friends, so I guess I’m a friendship counselor in a way. Maybe I should start charging.

Before you start looking up friendship counselors with your bestie, let’s talk about some ways that you can handle confrontation so you’re not out three thousand dollars.

1. Communication: This is probably the biggest factor in any relationship. We’re not mind readers! Sure, we may have some freaky telepathic moments with our best friends, but that’s not the norm. You need an open line of communication. If something upset you, speak up. If you’re mad that your friend flaked on you for the umpteenth time, tell her. You might think she should know you well enough to pick up on your cues, but she really might be unaware.

2. Honesty: Another huge relationship cornerstone. Anything you lie about is going to come back and bite you in the butt. Maybe you don’t want to meet your friend for lunch, but just be upfront. If you’re not okay with something your friend is doing, don’t lie about it. If you’re honest in your friendship, you’ll avoid a lot of issues.

3. Watch your tongue: Girls can be sassy. There are times when it’s right to be snarky, and you might feel warranted in snapping at one of your friends because she’s been on your nerves. But that’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead your friend might feel attacked, and she’ll get mad and it’ll be a big thing. Try to avoid snide comments as a general rule anyway.

4. Don’t be passive aggressive: This is the worst! Don’t post Facebook messages or tweet about “someone” who did “something” because that person will more than likely figure it out. Don’t send passive aggressive texts in an attempt to tell your friend that you’re upset. Just tell her.

5. Confront the person involved: If you’re in a situation with your friend whether you’re feeling neglected or taken advantage of or any kind of issue, confront that friend. Don’t go to your other girls and talk about the issue behind her back. You certainly wouldn’t want them to do that to you. Hash it out and figure out how to move forward instead of having to say, “I think we should go to friendship counseling.”

Really all of this comes down to talking to each other. If you’re at a counselor’s office, they’ll make you do that anyway so you might as well do that for free. Try to deal with the issues together. If your friendship has really become toxic, then take a friend-break for a while before googling therapists.

How do you deal with girl fights? Would you consider friendship counseling? Tell us in the comments!

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  • poisonbeauty

    Me and my friend get into fights, butt it’s only because she try to embarrassed me most times butt I will always love her.

  • Rachel

    Just wanted to say that, if you do all of these things listed, and your friend is still neglecting you/being pushy or weird with you for whatever reason, then she isn’t worth it. I told my (two) old best friends that I was sick of them going off doing things without me, not even mentioning that they were busy that night-I literally only found out each time by them posting on facebook something like “Oh when *friend1* does such-and-such”. It annoyed me so much, so I told them, and they were both like “oh yeah, we’ll tell you next time, maybe you can come with us. We just didn’t think you liked it, or you’re busy” (Hello? I’m not busy ALL the time, you just never ask me anyway!) Anyway after that, there was no difference in anything, so I just left it for a bit. We left school (end of the school year, we were all going off to English College/SixthForm [last 2 years of high school?]) and we still talked over facebook like everyday and met up about twice. Then September came, and I decided to go to a different college than Friends 1 & 2… I saw their posts on facebook all the time, and we hardly talked anymore. So I messaged each of them, asking how college was and telling them we need to all make more of an effort to keep in touch. Well that didn’t last long at all-a couple of weeks and they hadn’t bothered. So I messaged them again, asking how college was and stuff, telling them we should go to the mall some time like we’d used to. We decided on a date, and that was the end of it-only a day we were gonna go. I was gonna message them again asking what time we should meet and stuff, but decided that if they weren’t making the effort to even talk to me then why should I make the effort to try and organise some time to meet up? I just left it and the next thing we know it’s time to go and get our GCSE certificates from our old school-it was scary enough thinking I was gonna see everyone again and stuff after not seeing them for over half a year, but I was quite excited to see friends 1&2 again. Got there on the night, and they were there, like I knew they would be (we aren’t exactly rebels haha), but I didn’t get to see them much since we were alphabetically split up, they’re both in the top half and I’m in the bottom half. So I literally saw them once-didn’t even say anything… I was talking to another friend, but they’re all friends anyway so… Yeah, we walked past them in the corridor and slowed down a bit as we passed them, it was literally a slight look of recognition from them and a little nod/smile/hi when I said hi to them… Felt pretty awkward.
    We didn’t talk after that. Until one day, Friend 1, probably the bitchier of the two, messaged me. This is what it said: “A little bird told me you were stuck to a guys face in Gateshead interchange (a bus station). Is this true?” Well. That was it, it pushed me over the edge-this “best friend” had known me since I was 4. We literally met in Nursery-so she’d known me for 12 years, and still thought I’d do this. It just isn’t me-why would I snog somebody’s face off in the middle of a dirty old bus station! When I’m not in a relationship or anything! It annoyed me so much. So I replied, explaining that it wasn’t be, simply because I know if I didn’t then it would be gossiped around-and apparently Friend2’s cousin was the “little birdy” This person has seen me like, twice. And not recently either. So that annoyed me too. And then that was it-no more messages for like 3 weeks, until I send them both a message just after Christmas confronting them again. It was quite an open message-they could’ve easily said that they’ll try to keep in touch more and such, but they didn’t, they just went “huh, she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, okay then i’m fine with that”. Friend1 even said how *I* wasn’t making the effort- “it takes two to make a conversation”. So I told her to scroll up the messages and see who was starting them every time-oh yeah, me.
    I told them not to worry, they won’t be hearing from me in the new year. And they haven’t. Yes, it still hurts to see them put posts on facebook of them together and I do miss them. I miss them alot. If they see that, then great, maybe now they’ll understand how I feel about it. But yeah, just don’t worry gurls-if they’re true friends, they’ll stick by you forever. <3

    • Taylor

      Awe, I’m so sorry– I know how hard that can be to lose friends who have been with you for longer than you can even remember. They’re obviously not worth it if they’re not even trying, and you can’t make them put an effort in. By the way they treat and talk to you I’d say they aren’t true friends at all. Keep your head up, girl, everything will be fine in the end, you’re doing great. 🙂

      P.S.- I would just delete them off of facebook if I were you. I did that once when I had a bad friend-breakup, and it really helped to get my mind off of it for a while. Trust me, it helps.