I was in a pretty grumpy mood the past few days, but the cloud has been lifted: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles finally broke up.
No reason has been given or revealed for the split, but I have some insider info on the Taylor Swift and Harry Styles breakup: it was over me. And now Harry and I can finally quit the facades we’ve been putting up and be together.
The duo apparently called it quits during a vacation in the British Virgin Isles, and I couldn’t be more overjoyed. It’s only a matter of time now until my green-eyed prince comes for me, and when he does, he’ll even be tan!
The truth is, Harry Styles and I have been in love for a while. Sure, we each had our dalliances with others–me with douchebags disguised as nice guys and him with the biggest pop star on the planet right now–but it was all just biding our time, you know? Because we’re meant.
He’s English. I love English breakfast tea. He sings “Live While We’re Young.” I’m clinging onto the remnants of my own youth the way Taylor Swift does to most of the guys she dates. We both have natural curls. We both have tattoos. He looks good with his shirt off. I am no slouch in that department, either. He loves to party, I love to lurk in the kitchen and wait for parties to be over. He used to work in a bakery, I love to bake (and to eat cake). He introduced Louis Tomlinson and Eleanor Calder, I play matchmaker for my pals so I can live vicariously through them. He travels a lot, I don’t mind airplane food. He’s sensitive. I sometimes have sensitive teeth if I drink something too cold. Can’t you see? This is destiny.
Sorry, Taylor Swift, but this is how it’s meant to be. I give you full license to use my name in your upcoming hits “One (Wrong) Thing,” “Not My Styles,” and “Wrong Direction.” Just please don’t tell anyone where I live.
Do you think Haylor were forever? What do you think was behind the Taylor Swift and Harry Styles break up? Did you really think I was serious and not delusional and daydreaming when I said I was behind the Taylor Swift Harry Styles break up? Tell us in the comments!