I’m one of the few people who actually enjoys first dates. Typically people are on their best behavior and trot out all their best stories and funniest anecdotes. But some people use a first date as an opportunity to shock and horrify, namely the dudes I tend to date. Check out the top 10—and believe me I could’ve done more—most awful things my dates have actually had the nerve to say on a first date. And bible, I’m not making these up.
10. “How the f*** do I know what’s in a matzo ball? What am, I your Jewish liaison?”
This charmer was going on and on about how much he loves matzo ball soup, which I’ve never had, so I asked him what exactly a matzo ball entailed. After this little exchange I told him that no, he’s not my Jewish liaison—he’s not going to be my anything.
9. “I try not to date girls your age. All you guys want to do is get married.”
Um, I’m sitting right here.
8. “You got your nose fixed? Wow I had no idea you were so shallow.”
I got my nose fixed because I broke it. Yeah I’m shallow because I don’t want to spend my life as a mouth-breather. And BTW, he had just finished telling me about how he had his ears pinned back as a kid because people called him Dumbo. Now I guess they just call him Doucher.
7. “….And, that was the first time I had a penis in my mouth!”
Note to self: never ever playfully ask a guy to tell you a secret. You just may get an answer like this.
6. “I mean, don’t you think you’re what’s wrong with society?”
Because I’m an editor at Star magazine, which, OK fine, isn’t exactly going to earn me a Pulitzer, but I like our mag and so do our readers. He, meanwhile, was a member of the NRA.
5. “So can you, like, hook me up with Lauren Conrad?”
I’m former MTV reality star but—shocker!—I don’t live in one giant compound with all my other network mates. And even if I did, even if LC and Pauly D and Teen Mom Maci’s hot baby daddy and I were sharing groceries and having cookouts together, is it really appropriate to ask to be set up with a different girl on a first date? WTF bro?
4. “No no no no no—here’s why you’re wrong…”
I firmly believe that I’m never ever wrong. And I’m even less wrong when I’m expressing an opinion, as I was on a date with this nightmare. I believe I declared Gladiator to be my favorite movie. And at the end of the date I also declared him to be unlovable. That is not wrong.
3. “Sorry. I’m broke from two DUIs, you’re gonna have to get this one.”
ON A FIRST DATE. Seriously dude? If you can’t afford to take a girl out to coffee (my latte wasn’t exactly bank-breaking) then guess what: don’t ask a girl out! And certainly don’t be so rude about it. And certainly, certainly don’t get two DUIs, you loser.
2. “You’re left handed? Um, that’s like, kinda like being handicapped. Sorry but I don’t really see this going anywhere.”
1. “Oh c’mon don’t be so provincial! Open your mind!”
My date said this when he PULLED OUT A BOTTLE OF LUBE and set it on the table. ?!?!?!?!?! It was clear my mind wasn’t what he wanted me to open…
Which one of the above do you think is the most offensive? Tell us in the comments.