My Boyfriend Is Bi And I’m Confused

Check out what’s new on our boards! Right now, girls are talking about how to deal when your boyfriend says he’s bisexual:

KaylaMay said:

My boyfriend is bisexual. Can someone help me? Today, my boyfriend told me he has had sex with a guy… but a couple of days ago he told me he was a virgin. I’m getting really uncomfortable. What should I do?

How would you deal if your boyfriend told you he was bisexual? Do you think it’s a big deal or it shouldn’t matter? What advice would you give this girl?

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  • Jessica

    My boyfriend just came out to me as bisexual, we’ve been dating for 2 years and we’ve been in a sexual relationship for about a year and a half.In this year and a half, we’ve never had any problems sexually. He’s always finished and our relationship is amazingly strong. We’ve only had one actual ‘argument’ and you couldn’t really even call it that. It was a difference of opinions that got heated. But, recently we got into a rut and he had trouble finishing and he panicked because in his junior high years he had some gay tendencies. But he’s never acted upon them or ever wants to because he wants to marry me and is completely devoted to me. He thinks he’s bi because he watched gay porn and got horny because of it, and he plays with his ass sometimes (only recently since he’s had this revelation) but we recently got out of our rut sexually without me doing anything different. Is it possible that he isn’t actually bi, and he was just over thinking finishing and everything? I’m so confused. Like i love him more than anything in this world and I’m so confused because I really don’t think he’s gay, but he’s completely convinced even though he never wants to act upon his attraction to guys. It’s weird because we’ve talked about what he finds attractive in a guy and he likes the upper body, but nothing else. He never looks at a guys butt and thinks how nice it is, or wonders about his penis size or anything. I’m so confused! Help?

  • Alex

    The prostate can cause a great pleasure for men, even straight ones, what you need to do is make them feel secure around you. Kiss them everywhere and tell them you love them, find their sweet spot on their skin and kiss it. Really the only thing guys have that we don’t is a penis. Cut your nails and play with his entrance make sure it’s lubed up. Ask him what feels best. Strap ons for pegging is good too and a few kinky straight men might like it too, ask gay friends for advice. women tend to ignore their rear end. That would leave ur bi boyfriend unsatisfied. And never share a dildo for the ass, with the vag.

  • Lizzie

    My boyfriend is bisexual and I also caught him on craigslist. But i am worried because he is a very sexual person. i feel like if we don’t have sex, then he’s probably going to cheat on me… any thoughts?

  • Tina Smith

    Just want to put this out there, maybe some of your boyfriends are bisexual?? My BF told me was sexually abused as a child and then told me he was bi. In my gut, I didn’t believe that it was just that simple. I have a ton of gay friends and even a transexual friend and I can generally spot a gay man from a mile away, so I was shocked.

    After much research I found out that most male survivors of sexual abuse do struggle with same sex attraction though its not about love but more like PTSD or reenactment.

    So ladies you might want to dig a little deeper and find out if there’s more.

  • Lala

    My boyfriend and I are both bisexual. We’re high school sweethearts, and he’s never had a serious relationship besides me. I told him a couple months after dating, but I was not even sure at the time. I just knew I had interest in some women, and I had experimented way before we were together a few times. After a couple years of dating, he finally told me he thought there was a chance he was bi. Unfortunately, I had asked him about it previously multiple times and he always said no. Even after I found gay porn he had looked up, he still denied it. I think it’s possible he is just not comfortable with this fact, and that makes sense because of the way society treats gay and bisexual men. I was also unhappy because I was not the first person he told about this.

    My boyfriend has a bad habit of keeping things from me and lying, and we work through it every-time, but this is an issue that is getting worse and worse. I recently found out on accident that he messaged a man on craigslist answering a personal ad for a “house boy.” I confronted my boyfriend about it, and he apologized profusely and said that he had no intention of meeting him, but was just turned on by it, like watching porn. I’m frustrated, and feeling a little defeated. I believe him that he did not want to meet this man, it would be a bit out of character for him to actually do so and he really does not have the time, but I just feel like the lies keep getting worse and worse. I try really hard to be understanding and open with him. I would let him get away with just about anything I just plead time and time again for him to be honest with me.

    Typically we have a really amazing sex life, but occasionally there are lulls, and I’m aware that men are not as portrayed in the media, constantly horny sex machines. However there have been times where he admits for short periods that he’s lost attraction to me. It’s only occasionally, but I’m worried that this, coupled with his lying, coupled with his bisexuality will result on him one day cheating on me with a man. I think that because it’s not another woman he somehow finds it more acceptable or less heartbreaking. He’s told me that he wouldn’t mind if I hooked up with a girl but he wants to hear about it. I don’t share these fantasies in the opposite way. I don’t want him to hook up with another guy, and I hope that doesn’t make me selfish.

    I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful at all. I realize I didn’t really answer the question, I guess my answer would be that I’m still not sure how to deal with having a bisexual boyfriend. I know it’s unfair, and sexist, and hypocritical, but it’s something with which I struggle greatly.

    • Bree

      So I am scared because my boyfriend is bi and don’t
      Know what to do help

      • Alex

        Perhaps he’s embarrassed to ask for anal play, he might want to be dominated. If that not the case then leave him, lairs make bad lovers.

    • Ryan

      Hey, I’m a 25 year old bi guy. What your boyfriend is doing sounds exactly like my relationship with my girlfriend. I have also gone to Craigslist with no intent on actually hooking up. I also have periods where I don’t want to have sex with my girlfriend. I also wish she was more open to an open relationship. And yes, I watch gay and straight porn.

      But ultimately, I love her a ton and I’ve never, nor would I ever, cheat on her. And that is what matters the most. If you’re looking for someone to write to about it, my email is delawarebh at gmail. I hope everything works out 🙂

  • Confused

    I just found out my fiance of 3 years has been cheating on me with men whom are married/single and transvestites. He said he is not gay he just likes sex with men but yet he hates gay men. Flamers is what he calls them. He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. Why couldn’t he tell me in the beginning before I fell in love with him and planned to marry him. I could have made a choice to accept it or walk away from it. What happen to being honest in a relationship.

  • Randy

    Reading the comments have been interesting. I am trying to understand this topic but from the opposite end of the spectrum. I am a gay man and monogamously
    dating someone who has openly stated that they are still sexually attracted to women . Clearly he is attracted to men as well, but my own insecurities get the best of me. I struggle to understand if I will be enough for him or if he will always feel as if a piece of him is missing. It’s seems that the more he tells me about his past relationships (with women) the further I start to doubt my role in this relationship.

  • lyle

    i told my girlfriend evrything and she loved me the truth is good, i love her we haven’t had bi sex, but we will when she says meanwhile i just love her

  • Ron

    Hi there,
    this is the first time I have ever written in about my own sexuality.
    I admitted to my wife after 3 years that I had previously been bi to bi-curious and experimented various facets of being with a guy, prior to meeting her.. I felt embarrassed and somewhat ashamed about it due to my very vocally homophobic father and the taboo about two guys, though two girls was acceptable?
    I was wanting to talk to her for a considerable amount of time about it but fear took over.
    Fear that she wouldn’t understand or accept it and she would leave me.
    We initially had some intense discussions as she had a lot to intake and comprehend.
    Through open, honest discussions, I can say now that she is very accepting of it. If she watches porn it is always gay or bi porn that she chooses.
    We have now had numerous bi threesomes. She knows, as I have made it very clear, that being bi to me is about sex, and as she says, that’s one area she can’t cover.
    She knows it is her that I love and that will not change.
    As she put it, many guys are bi or curious and do something about it behind their partners back.
    With our decisions, she knows I will never stray, but she also gets the win of joining in and experiencing another man other than myself, so i! Can satisfy some of her urges too.
    We always practice safe sex and at least we know when the sun comes up in the morning after a bi night, it is her and I only..
    My tips for any ladies who have found out their partner is bi:

    Don’t make a song and dance about it as it does take a lot of time to build confidence to discuss. This would shut down further conversations.

    Don’t assume this means he is gay. It means that he is open to his own sexuality.

    Be supportive in talking about it. If it does concern you, talk about Irvin a calm manner.

    Seek professional help if you are having trouble coming to terms with it. Your best friends may offer a variety of their opinions, but unless they have been through the same thing, it is only an opinion.

    If you find yourself at the acceptance stage, try a bi threesome. It is a whole new expo experience.

    I am proudly bi, though I don’t exactly advertise it. Any bi activities are strictly NOT with close friends. I keep that part of what I do private

    Lastly, remember if he has admitted his sexuality to you, it’s because he trusts you with perhaps his biggest (and longest) secret of his life

    • Jackie

      Do you think you could share more about how your wife came to acceptance? Perhaps she could answer? My boyfriend of two years just came out to me. I know that in the end this will make us closer, but any advice on acceptance will help this process I can’t decide if I’m hurt or not. I’m learning to shift my own paradigm of sexuality, but I am interested in making this work. The usual paranoia of cheating/attraction/leaving me have all happened, so I’ll need time to learn that this is okay. I like how your wife realized that it is something she cannot fulfill- I too am interested in ways I can fulfill my partners fantasies so that he will remain faithful. Thoughts?

  • Elle

    I found out today my boyfriend is bi as well but I’m concerned his gay but too scared to be honest with everyone he says he loves me and never felt the way he does about me with either sex before. He first kissed a guy at 15 years old and four play at 18 then sex with a few guys between 19-22 his never allowed a guy to have sex with him he said but he has performed it on them. I’m concerned about staying with him after 2 years and we are now 24 and 25 (me) when he could be in fact gay not bi. I kind of think I’m a cover? We love each other I just don’t know what kind of love he has for me. He seems to have had a few male partners so I’m really confused 🙁 please help I have noone else to talk to x

    • Elle

      He plays afl so I think his too scared his also my best friend as well as my bf so I’m trying to be really understanding because its huge him even telling me when he didnt have to.

    • Lucy

      Hi Elle, I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch. I’m a writer for a woman’s magazine and I’d really like to talk to you about this. Can you email me at Lucy[underscore]vine[at]ipcmedia[dot]com.
      Thanks so much and best of luck with everything.

    • nae

      The guy that I’ve been seeing for a few months told me he was bi sexual. I’m scared that if I continue this relationship I will not be able to fulfill his.needs and he will seek it elsewhere. I am.not a homophob but thinking of my boyfriend sucking a mans dick out

  • Megan Wright

    I found out a few days ago my boyfriend is bi really don’t know how 2 take it he has never had sex with a guy by his choice. Sure u can fill in the lines but he said he would never cheat on me and he wants 2 marry me so someone please tell me what 2 take on that please.

    • Belle

      My boyfriend came out to me in July telling me he has never had sex with a man but he has had oral performed and he has performed it on a man. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this, I feel he should’ve been up front with me when we met or before we moved in and he met my children. He is a great guy but I’m just nervous I won’t be able to fulfill his needs. I’m glad he trusted me enough to tell me as no one else knows – none of his friends or family know he is bi. The guy he was sexual (oral) with calls and texts him still and I’ve expressed my concerns (my insecurities), I think they have mostly cut off the communication or at least I hope – idk what to think or feel – definately a lot to process.

  • Manda

    Hey guys so my really close guy friend just told me he was bi and that he loves this kid who is younger than him and wants to be with him the rest of his life…he has been hot and cold with him for the past six months and currently they haven’t been talking because the other kid wants nothing to do with friend now is always really depressed and always is concerned that this other kid is going to hate him..I really don’t know what to say to him anymore because I just feel so bad and I can’t handle seeing him like this..HELPPPP!!!

  • feminazi

    Get over yourself. He’s faced a lot of trials and tribulation for the way he was born, and if you have a problem with the way he is then you should stop pursuing a relationship.

    When a loved one tells you something new it’s apparently natural to assume that they were blatantly lying to you and owe you the truth. Not true. His sexual past is not your business unless he wants to make it so. And according to the nature of his sexuality he probably has a hard time confiding in people. Again, get over yourself. This is not about you.

    Also: being bisexual does not mean that you’re confused. It means you like two different genders. Speaking as a bisexual woman I think I know what I’m talking about.

    • Christina

      Actually this is about her. If he is living a double life and his actions disgust her or make her uncomfortable, his sexual past is her business. She has a right to know what he is and you people living lies are sick. Come out or stay in and single. Why is it OK for you people to ruin lives because you are chicken shit of your own gay desires? Sorry, not everyone wants to be with someone who can sleep with ANYTHING. Get over yourself and your self righteous BI bull@#$%.

  • maya

    This guy is obviously confused. Sit him down, and have a heart to heart, and get your facts straight. (No pun intended) Ask him how long he’s known, and why he slept with this guy, when it was etc. It’s going to be awkward but you need to know if you really want to be with him.

  • Diana

    I know it must seem weird for you, and unexpected, especially if you don’t know that many other gay/lesbian/bi people. But the fact is, it’s really not. He obviously felt uncomfortable telling you in the beginning, because he was unsure of how you would react; now, though, he’s confided in you, which means he must trust you! That’s a good thing!!
    He’s going out with you now- not anyone else, male or female. You’re the person who’s important to him right now and that’s what matters. Don’t make a big deal out if it; the best thing you can do it shrug it off and say ‘okay’ 🙂

  • skyler

    Its not a big deal if your boyfriend is bisexual. It the same way if the girlfriend is bisexual, as long as he’s taking care of his business and using condoms with his sex partner(s) then it shouldn’t be a big deal. But also if its making you uncomfortable then you might want to sit down and have a serious conversation and ask him like “Look I know you’re bisexual and it ok to be that, but if we’re going to be together then it just you and me not me you and some guy/girl you met at the club” and if after the conversation your still uncomfortable then you shouldn’t be dating him of you can’t handle his sexuality. Its a trust thing.

  • Lolly

    Unless you’re knowingly in a polyamorous relationship, I’d be more concerned that your boyfriend seems to have had sex with someone the day after he told you he was a virgin…

    As for bisexuality, it doesn’t matter. It’s just another category of people to be attracted to. Although some bisexual people do lean more toward one sex than the other, ‘bisexual’ is not code for ‘secretly gay and will leave you for all the dudes’.

  • Help

    Both of you need to sit down and have a talk about his sexuality. If he has had sex with someone else, you need to figure out if your okay with that and have him get tested before getting involved with him. Know that just because he is bi, that doesn’t mean he will be all over everybody. Just tell him how you feel and if it’s meant to be it will all work out (:

  • Allison

    My boyfriend is bi too. He told me a few months ago and I kind of freaked out about it a lot because I had to find out from someone else. I think its great that he trusted you enough tto tell you. He may have just been worried that you’d reject him the way my boyfriend was. I think you two should definately talk out the fact that he loed about being a virgin, but if ou can eventually forgive him for that, I think you should definately stay with him. And try not to make him uncomfortable about it. I still regret the way I acted when my bf confessed to me. It didn’t change our relationship at all though. In fact, I think it made us stronger. Good luck gurl. I feel for you. 🙂

    • Lucy

      Hi Allison, I’m a writer for a women’s magazine and I’d love to talk to you about your situation. Can you email me at Lucy[underscore]vine[at]ipcmedia[dot]com. Thanks.

  • Gigi

    I don’t even think the issue here is about the boyfriend being bisexual. But on the point of bisexuality, it’s someone else’s business, in my opinion. If you’re gay, you’re gay. You’re straight? You’re straight. Teeter-totter in between? That’s fine too. I think people should live how they choose too.
    But could I date someone who was bisexual? Sure, why not. If I date them and end up loving them and so on after that, what does it matter?

    But everyone is different and if this girl is uncomfortable with it, she’s not married, she can choose to go whenever she wants.
    I think the real issue though, is how he went from virgin to not in a couple of days. If he had sex with a guy and didn’t admit it before, I think that means he was ashamed and maybe he’s not too sure on his sexuality right now. He’s still in the teeter-totter stages, I think. So maybe this girl should step back a few paces until he figures it out?