The Funny Truth About Your New Year’s Resolutions

I have long suspected that “Auld Lang Syne” actually means “Let’s pretend I’m going to be a totally different person next year.” Am I the only one who finds that their New Year’s resolutions are actually just a list of complete phony-baloney lies? Probably not. I dare you to read this and tell me you don’t relate to at least one of these New Year’s fibs!








Your Health


She said: I resolve to work out at least 5 days a week and take the stairs whenever possible.











She meant: I resolve to declare walking from my car to class a workout, and move into a one-story building.










Your Friendships


She said: I will stop gossiping and try to be more straightforward when I’m mad about something.











She meant: I will stop bitching to Jen about Katie and bitch to Lauren instead.










Putting an End To Your Wild Child Phase


She said: I’m going to be more ladylike and ask myself: What would Kate Middleton do?











She meant: I’m going to get different role models. What would…Brandi Glanville do??










Your Finances


She said: Listen to mom and put away 20% of my paycheck into savings.











She meant: Listen to my BFF and put 20% towards a boob job.










Your Man Situation


She said: Wait 10 dates before hooking up with a guy you’re really into!











She meant: Wait 10 days. Hey it’s only one letter off…













She said: Finish that book proposal! Be the only person in your school’s history to publish before you graduate!











She meant: Finish reading the book on how to write a proposal.







What’s your New Year’s resolution–and do you think you can actually stick with it? Tell me in the comments!

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Posted in: For Laughs
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  • JustDMarie

    Haha so True =P
    I have a feeling that i’ll never acheive my resolutions this yearXD

  • she

    The last one sounds just like me…

  • Bobbie

    That is totally how my savings work. My “college fund” also acts as “Look! The bass guitar I want is only 10% of my savings and it leaves enough for round trip tickets to Prague!”

  • irene

    kind of sexist attempt at humor…