I Lost My Best Friend… Because She Was Jealous Of My Boyfriend

What’s the one thing that may hurt just as much as a relationship ending? A best friend breakup. Unfortunately, I know this because I recently lost my best friend. And to put it bluntly, it sucked.

A few years ago, I got really close with a girl I’ll call K. K and I worked together and so we were with each other constantly. It wasn’t long before we were both basically obsessed with each other, the way you can only be obsessed with a brand new best friend who totally gets you and finishes your sentences. We had a ton of stuff in common and spent our long, boring hours at work bonding over boys we thought we were cute, clothes we wanted to buy and people at work we mutually hated. It didn’t take long for us to start hanging out outside of work.

I thought K was awesome, but she didn’t seem to have many other friends besides me. Besides the fact that she told me she didn’t have many friends, she wasn’t too popular at our job. Everyone we worked with regularly called her a bitch and asked me how I could hang out with her so much. I didn’t really pay attention to it – I got along with K and didn’t care what other people thought about her. But sometimes things did get a little weird.

K seemed to have an endless amount of time to hang out with me. I guess the best way to describe her was needy – it was like she expected me to hang out with her during every minute of my free time. When we weren’t together, she was texting me constantly. She usually called me at night to gossip before bed and whenever I made plans with my other friends, she got obviously annoyed, although she never said anything. The thing was, even though K didn’t have many other people to hang out with, I did. I tried to include her in my group when I could, but I wasn’t about to make my life all about her the way she was doing with me.

When we weren’t working or talking about our mutual love of Ryan Gosling or The Little Mermaid, K and I spent most of our time talking about guys. K was desperate for a boyfriend and constantly moaned about how much she wanted to meet a nice guy. We spent way too much time trading dating and flirting horror stories and discussing how we would probably be single forever but it was fine because all guys sucked anyway.

And then one day, I met a guy and we started dating not too long after. At first, K was super supportive. She asked me for all the details of our hangouts, got excited for me at all the right moments of my stories and never stopped telling me how lucky I was. Around the same time I got a BF, I also got a full-time job at another company. I started juggling my time between my boyfriend, my job, my other friends and K… and naturally, I couldn’t spend as much time with K as I had in the past.

I’ll admit, there were a few nights when I had to cancel plans with K for various reasons, and it definitely became harder for us to hang out as much as we used to. I could tell K was getting mad – she stopped calling all the time, started getting silent whenever I brought up my BF and acted weird when I asked her to hang out. I tried as hard as I could to make time for K, and there was never a time when I ditched her for my boyfriend. I even brought her to hang out with us when we went to parties. But it didn’t seem to matter. She started distancing herself from me more and more and I couldn’t understand why.

After we went a full two weeks without speaking for no particular reason whatsoever, I texted her to ask her what was going on. She responded to tell me that she felt like I was constantly blowing her off to be with my BF. I was seriously so confused – I hung out with my BF once, maybe twice, a week. I had made every attempt to call her, make plans with her and text her. She was the one constantly blowing me off!

But since she was one of my BFF’s and I didn’t want to lose her, I swallowed my pride, apologized and said I hadn’t realized. At first, things were cool. We started hanging out and talking again. But after a few weeks, she went right back to what she had been doing before.

Finally, I stopped making an effort to see her. I was sick of being the only one trying to keep our friendship alive. I would text her and not get a response for hours. I would call her, but she would be busy with her new friend, a girl who was obviously replacing me. Another super immature thing? She started tweeting cryptic messages about girls who abandon their friends for their boyfriends… and they were obviously about me. At some point, I realized that K was jealous that I was in a relationship and she wasn’t. Since I wasn’t about to break up with my boyfriend to be her friend, I felt like there was nothing I could do.

In the end, our friendship just kind of ended without a word from either of us. She stopped calling me and I stopped calling her. She kept on tweeting about me and I kept ignoring it. Eventually, she deleted me off Facebook, and I knew that I had officially lost my best friend. I was angry that she had done this just because she was jealous – but I was more upset that I had lost her as my friend. Despite the fact that she could be clingy, K was my BFF. She understood me in a way a lot of other people didn’t and we had had a ton of fun together.

I still really miss K, but I have no idea how to handle things. Our friendship ended so awkwardly that I feel like there’s no salvaging things. We haven’t spoken in almost a year, but I still miss our long life talks and silly movie nights. Even though I have other BFF’s and I still have my boyfriend, I still would have loved to stay friends with K. Sometimes I consider texting her and saying hi, trying to resolve things… but other times I think about all the mean things she said about me online and how she just blew me off, and I feel like we’re better off not being in each other’s lives. So I want to know: what would you do if you were in my position?

Have you ever lost a BFF? Have you ever been in this situation? Would you try to be friends with K again if you were me? Tell me in the comments!

 

How do you deal when your friends are leaving you out?

 

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Posted in: Confessions
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  • ~M

    This same thing is happening to me right now. I own up to totally not spending as much time with my friend as before because of my boyfriend. Mainly because I spent MOST of my free time with her before him. I’m now more in love with this guy than I ever have been with anyone. Including my ex husband. She only tries to make plans last minute so I usually had plans already. Then I tried scheduling plans with her but it didn’t always work. I used to include her and her daughter to do things with us like events, movies and board games and never ignored her at those times…until one day she told me that she didn’t want to hang out if he was going to be there because he had accidentally offended her one day. It made me feel uncomfortable and at odds. Because of this I no longer invited her if I already had plans with him. Out schedules make it difficult to get together some times and she stopped calling me to do things and she was constantly dating (being recently divorced). Now she accuses me of deciding that she’s not a part of my life. My other friends have relationships that take up their time as well but I still see them and they are happy for me. It’s only her. She is certainly jealous. She had once even told me she would be in a sexual relationship with me if I wanted. I explained that I didn’t want that, only her friendship and it had been fine. Right now we aren’t talking and it’s been over a week. It’s very difficult and she only says I’m blame and doesn’t have time to talk about it. I’m giving up. I feel horrible.

  • Samama

    I think I would do the same thing you did. You tried your best to keep the friendship alive but it eventually failed. I’m really sorry for you! If you need someone to share your feelings with, i’ll be there for you!

  • GG

    I think you should give K a break. If you can only be someone’s friend when it’s convenient for you then you aren’t a very good friend either. At least she cared. At least she didn’t just leave without a word. She tried and I’m sorry but I think when someone completely drops you out of your life for no reason, you have a right to be upset. She wasn’t jealous, she was reacting to being iced out without a word or any remorse.

  • Selena

    I’ve lost my best friend recently… I was completely blind sided. We hung out one day and the next, she was giving me the cold shoulder. It broke me. I couldn’t stop crying. It was horrible. She even sent someone to tell me that she didn’t want to be friends. I thought that we would be going to each others’ weddings but I guess not.

  • Lauren

    I think that it sounds like you guys had an amazing bond and you really enjoyed each others company. If you guys REALLY were as close as you said you were and understood each other, then you guys shouldn’t give that up over a guy or jealousy.

    Now this is just me personally… I have mainly guy friends, and the few “girlfriends” I have are so close that I know nothing would come inbetween us. You may think that having guys as friends is awkward or something, but I think it’s great. I am in a way a tom-boy since I like doing all the main things like guys do… anyway, the point is, is that you should just at least give it one more shot and try to explain to her that you love her no matter what (non-lesbian way) and that nothing will come inbetween your friendship. Tell her that there will be times when you don’t get along, but it will all be worth it for the many good times spent. If she doesn’t accept your apology or anything, then it probably isn’t worth it and she doesn’t care.
    I used to have a best friend, and in 5rd grade, I started hating her new friend and tried to keep them apart as much as possible. Then, I realized that hating wouldn’t do anything and I just apologized and me and her friend became really good friends. Now I still have my old friend and a new friend. In middle school, she started hanging out with other girls and yet another friend of hers came along. Instead of getting jealous, I just let my friend have other friends, and i started hanging out with new friends as well. Jealousy is never the answer… and I know this information is more towards K than you I thought it might help…
    the point is, is that if you two are meant to be friends than you will be… my friend and I are still super close and I know we will be forever. this may sound like information to give on relationships, but friendship is a type of relationship. it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

  • Xavi

    I recently lost my BFF too. Sometimes I think, that she was never my friend cus she only talked about herself and her guy problems. One day, she kept talking about this guy that was an asshole to her and always had an on and off relationship with her for like 2 years! Anyways, i told her that he’s not worth it anymore (altho, as her best friend, i supported her on this for 2 years) but I didn’t want her to get hurt anymore. She got so angry, she stopped texting me and I gave her some space, even though i didn’t know what was wrong with her. On my birthday she said happy birthday but possibly in the rudest way possible and even through text. I said thanks, next day i texted her to see what her problem was and why she was texting me. She told me that i didn’t support her with the guy she was with and she kept bragging about how she found a new best friend. It seems like im always saying sorry for our fights but this time i didn’t even bother. Now i don’t even talk to her but she does spread lies about me all the time. Im just dealing with it /:

  • panagiota

    Very good article!!! I love it!!! <3

  • Simone

    Have you ever thought that maybe k had some feelings of liking you as more than a friend that she maybe didn’t quite work out? When I was younger I used to get very very jealous when my best friend at the moment would hang out with their boyfriends… Looking back, I see that it was because I was jealous of the guy in the equation and didn’t feel like I could say anything.

  • Ana

    If I was you I would just leave k alone. I also lost a BFF and today we don’t talk that much as we use to. She doesn’t even say hi toe when she sees me. In 7th grade I told her how much I liked this guy. She said he wasn’t worth it and that he wasn’t that cute. I agreed with her and we left it like that. But two months pass and lately we didn’t see each other. One day one of my friends tells me that my BFF is going out with the guy I like. The guy that she said wasn’t worth it. When I talked to her she said that she changed her mind and that she saw how cute he was. I told her that I liked him. She said that she didn’t know and that I told her I didn’t like him. I was so sad and hurt. But you know what’s wired that that guy came to me one day and told me that he actually liked me. And that every time he kissed my BFF he thought of me. I told my friends and they said that I should go out with him behind my exbff back I was tempted but I didn’t want more drama and I knew that he wasn’t worth it.

  • Kate

    Even though K was clearly overreacting, I kind of get her… My highschool bff with whom I have shared everything since 7th grade got together with her first boyfriend about 2 months ago. I like the guy, and I am happy for both of them. He has depressions and is in a clinic most of the time. I totally support her being there for him whenever she can, but I still feel left out a little bit. I hate myself for being mad at her, because the rational part in me knows that she is doing everything right, and its extra ridiculous because we still go to school together and see each other almost every day. But I’m still just the littlest bít of jealous.

    The point is, I see where K comes from. When I was particularly mad at my friend for not returning my messages I thought about breaking things with her, too. But unlike K i came to my senses… If she doesn’t realize she is the one mistaken here, she’s not worth calling her a BFF.

    • layla

      I so agree. good point.